Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.
If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.
I am excited to introduce
, you can connect with her here and listen to her Unspoken Words below.About Lisha
My daughters are 10 and 3. I take photos of them because I don't want to forget anything. I write because that is the only thing I know how to do that can allow me to process this journey that I have no choice but to take my children on with me. I don't feel comfortable saying I am a photographer, or that I am a writer, because I don't feel I have achieved enough to warrant those labels for myself. I am a mother because I have these daughters that look up to me and look for me and look out for me, and that, to me, is evident enough for me to validate this life, this title, of motherhood.
We got out of the abusive relationship with their father a little over a year ago, and it feels like we have jumped out of the hot pan and into the broiler. I write about this mostly, so I can work out my feelings, and also to document what I cannot tell my daughters about yet, but that I somehow anticipate having to tell them soon. I write because I don't want to forget anything and I take photos of them so I can process this journey we are taking on together.
What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?
That motherhood is not just about the mother, the thing they say about needing a village to raise your children is true and that when you are plunged into a world where these other villagers do not exist, and you are alone, you start blaming your children for existing.
What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?
That sometimes you have to make selfish decisions in order to function, knowing that seen from the other side of the glass, this selfishness is equated to bad mothering. And then your mind starts dictating the voices that only you seem to hear, that you think people are saying about you, when truth be told, they are not even looking, which is actually more hurtful than if they had said bad things about you in the first place.
Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.
That I have this baggage from my past that I have to carry with me while attending to my children, and being aware that this baggage is causing more damage to them, to me, when I'm hauling about with it, but I just cannot seem to put it down.
What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?
That everyone knows themselves better, knows their children better, than anyone else, and whatever method they choose to parent their children is their decision and their right because of the stories embedded in their family, their history, that has led them to do the things they do for themselves and their children.
What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?
I feel the pressure to do the right thing, if such a thing exists. With the internet, it has become accessible for people to compare one technique to another, a sort of generalised advice column that, unfortunately, Mothers will take to heart. It is difficult to come in and read and understand this vast universe of knowledge at our fingertips and not be sucked in into the vacuum of comparisons and judgements.
It is another thing that you carry with you for being a woman, for being a mother, and the fault comes when everyone thinks it is okay for every woman, every mother to be bogged down by this pressure because they are superhumans. When do we get to be regular humans who feels and acts and response in regular human ways?
What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?
You do you.
Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?
I feel bad for saying this, but (because of my trauma of living with my ex husband and the trauma of the aftermath, of dealing with the bureaucracy and laws in this country that is always going to side on the man, while mothering my two girls who are also traumatised, also surviving this life and not truly living it yet) I feel an urgent slap on my face whenever either of my daughters does something that reminds me of their father.
I feel as if I can never get away from his shadow, that he will always be here (even though he is no longer in our lives) and for every moment that that happens, I fear I would not be able to love my daughters enough, that I would not be able to give them the life that they deserve because of my resentment towards their father.
Thank you Lisha for sharing your words with us.
Thank you for sharing the hard parts of your journey with us. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for sharing how painful it can be when you realize no one is even paying attention at all, I often feel very alone in this parenting thing. Thank you for sharing your voice with us too.
your words will be shared next!Love,
Emma
Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Lisha sharing her words.
This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.
I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.
If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.
Thank you Lisha for sharing your words with us and the truth of the pain you have experienced, I admire your courage.
Thank you Lisha, I resonate with you that writing is the only way to integrate our experiences, and I also really felt those words about being ‘selfish’ to the outside in order to preserve yourself. It’s a hard one to disentangle from. A beautiful piece of truth and courage. X