Being a mother is beautiful

Volume 20 of Unspoken Words: Holly Brown

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

I have decided to hold this series in the Spring and Fall seasons, so I am publishing these last few posts and taking a break from collecting responses in the Summer.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.

I am excited to introduce

Holly A Brown

, you can connect with her at Telling Their Tales.

About Holly

I became a mama to my first little one in May 2023, when my son came racing into the world. He has just celebrated his first birthday, so I am feeling all the feels at the moment! I never thought I wanted to be a mother, having been sold the 1990s/2000s 'dream' of independent womanhood and career success (neither of which involved children). I am all for strong women in the workplace - but now that I've been a mother for just over a year, I feel more aligned to who I really am than I could ever have dreamed.

I'm learning to embrace this season where my life feels like it's been turned upside down. I used to teach full time in London, working as a primary school teacher and SENCo (special educational needs coordinator). Now, I'm a stay-at-home mum pursuing the creative life around the edges of motherhood in semi-rural South Yorkshire! It's been a journey, but I love my life where it is now, and couldn't dream of 'going back' to pre-baby times (something I admit I longed for in the early days).

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

That it was not love at first sight when my little one was born. In fact, it took a really long time for me to learn to love him.

I had expected a rush of oxytocin and endorphins when they placed him on my chest, that magical golden hour that everyone talks about... But I felt nothing. Literally nothing. I noticed that he was there, that he was slimy and squidgy, but I didn't want to cuddle him or anything. I just felt nothing.

It turns out that I had a shedload of medical trauma to come in that 'golden hour', which perhaps explains my detachment. I suffered a major obstetric haemorrhage immediately after my son was born, losing 2L of blood in the first hour. My son also wasn't doing so well, so he was whisked away pretty quickly to monitor his breathing. I was pretty out of it, almost losing consciousness. I suppose I didn't have the capacity to bond with my son in those first few moments, as my body focused on keeping me alive, but I think it had quite a big impact on how I felt towards him in those early weeks.

I had already been uneasy, before the pregnancy, about having children, but had grown excited to meet the little one I'd been carrying. But in the recovery room, once my bleeding was under control, I didn't want anything to do with him. I didn't want to hold him, didn't even want to look at him. My husband convinced me to do some skin to skin, but it just made me burst into tears and I had to ask him to take the baby away as seeing him only reminded me of the trauma I'd been through.

I love him deeply now, but it took a long time - and I had to learn it, to choose to love him day by day.

I've spoken to a lot of mums and I think this is a common experience (even if the specifics of my birth are different to theirs). The dominant narrative is that we love our babies the moment we set eyes on them - but that is not the case for all of us. It's hard to admit that, but it doesn't mean we've done anything wrong.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

That we can't do it on our own.

Oh my goodness! This was hard for me. I'm fiercely independent and don't ask for help. At all. My mum jokes that my catchphrase as a toddler was 'Holly do it' because I didn't even want help then.

And I think I made this such a part of my identity that I forgot how unhelpful it is to try and do everything on my own. But I was so unwell after baby was born, with extreme anaemia (then throw in postpartum hormones, body changes, baby blues, breastfeeding...!). I had to ask for help. I couldn't even shower myself: there was no way that I could keep on top of everything else.

And then, just when you think things have finally clicked, the 3 month sleep regression hits and all of a sudden your angelic newborn won't sleep, so you get no sleep or time on your own. I was a mess. Thankfully, my mum came to the rescue to take over with the sleep so that I could rest and reset a little. I'm still working on asking for help - but I've learnt that things don't fall apart when I do.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

That there can be a real battle with allowing ourselves to transform, to bloom, during the postpartum period into our new selves. That we can't 'go back' to who we were before birth because we have, fundamentally, changed. This process of 'matrescence' was completely alien to me pre-baby; I had no idea it would happen.

I really fought this, getting back to exercising as soon as I possibly could (probably too soon given what I'd been through) because I wanted to feel like my old self again. Outwardly I'd talk about how I was folding baby into my life and leaning into the changes he'd brought - but that was not how my internal narrative and decision making functioned. I fought desperately to feel like my old self - and that meant I couldn't blossom into this new (improved, I think!) self I'd become.

Once I allowed this process to unfurl, everything felt more peaceful, more 'right'.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

That being a mother is beautiful. I was always led to believe that my life would be over when I had kids, but that is not true. I feel more 'myself' than I ever have before - I think because I've left behind the pressure of the stereotypical millennial dream of career success (I was an assistant headteacher by 26, but more unhappy than I'd ever been before). Now, I'm able to lean into my inner hippy, going with the flow of what feels 'right' for my baby and my body. I'm able to say yes and no when I want to, going about my days with my little adventure pal.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

Joyful - yes, even with a teething toddler currently on a 5am wake up streak! I think this stage is much easier than the newborn/infant stage, as he is much more independent. There's no night feeds or wake ups, he can move himself around the house, and he can feed himself. He's finding delight in exploring this world, seeing its beauty for himself, and that is just magical to witness.

Motherhood has also given me the space to explore my creative pursuits, during nap times and evenings. I write here on Substack, take and sell photographs on my Etsy Shop, and I'm starting a DPhil in September, so I'm beginning to do a bit of academic work to. This is what I've always wanted to do - I never wanted to be a teacher - and motherhood has given me the space to do it. I'm loving it.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Hang in there. Most things are just for a season. Even if it feels like the season is really, really long!

And ask for the help. For the big things (sleep, feeding, weaning, therapy) and the little things (loading the dishwasher, cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking).

Thank you Holly for sharing your words with us.

The photo you shared brought me back to a few of the trips we took last year out west, where we hiked a lot and I breastfed wherever I needed to. I completely resonate with what you shared about motherhood helping you align more into your creative pursuits, I feel the same way. I would not be here, writing to you, without motherhood. Thank you Holly for opening yourself up to this space.

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Holly sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.