Every aspect of my being

Volume 7 of Unspoken Words: Ashley Zuberi

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

If you want to read more from Being in Motherhood, I share about mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

I am excited to introduce

Ashley Zuberi

, you can connect with Ashley here through her Substack and you can listen to her Unspoken Words below.

About Ashley

I have been a yoga teacher for over 10 years, a mother for five years, and a writer basically since I could write. I have a four-year-old son and a two-year-old daughter. I spend my days trying to figure out how to be a mom, yoga teacher, and writer at the same time.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I don't like playing with my kids all day long. I like being with them (except when they're screaming and crying all the time) but I have a really hard time playing dinosaurs or going on make-believe airplane rides, or playing trucks, or playing house, or playing restaurant.

I like watching my kids play, but I don't love engaging in the make-believe play. This bothers me because my mom didn't play with me and my sister either. As kids we were really creative and imaginative and I want to instill that in my kids. But somehow, somewhere in adulthood I've lost that ability to enjoy being in imagination. I look for any excuse to do something else, like clean or go run errands, or go take the kids somewhere.

I love engaging in a specific activity with them, but I do not love the open-ended creative play even though I want them to do that and I know it's useful. I feel so bad every time they ask me, "Mommy, can you come play with me." And the answer is always, "when I'm done...washing dishes/vacuuming/doing my work/insert any other activity."

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

How hard it is. It has completely challenged me more than anything else has ever challenged me in my life. And it's challenged me in every aspect of my being. It's challenged me physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

In hindsight, I wish I would have spent more time thinking about why I wanted to become a mom before I became a mom. I became a mom because it felt like the natural thing to do. It felt inevitable and like it was the right time in my marriage and in my life.

But I never spent any time examining my motivations for being a mother and I think most of them were imprints of societal expectations. I love being a mom and I wouldn't change it for anything but I wish I was more clear on my own why rather than being swayed by society's expectations before I entered this journey.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

That we as humans are all whole and unique and we all deserve love and understanding. My children are so different and they've taught me so much about myself and taught me to be more open-minded about others as well. Differences and uniqueness doesn't change the fact that we are all still fundamentally whole human beings deserving of love.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

Tumultuous. Chaotic. Sometimes overwhelming.

My husband took the kids on a quick weekend getaway to stay with my in-laws and I was home alone for about 48 hours. After about 24 hours I realized that I hadn't felt calm and relaxed since before my son was born almost 5 years ago. That was a huge eye-opener. I know that this particular season is just that—a season and that everything will change. But I'm always interested in learning about how to maintain a sense of wellness even amidst chaos and motherhood has so completely knocked me off my chair.

I do so much to support everyone else first and that is both innate in my capacity to show up as a mother but also so far from who I was before kids, which was admittedly much more selfish and protective of my own time and wellbeing. Now if I want time for myself to practice yoga or meditate I feel bad for asking for it and I get mad when I don't get it, and I get upset when I wake up early to do my practice but that wakes up my son and then he wants to play with trucks at 6:30am with me while I'm trying to enjoy some peace and quiet.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

It's not you. You're doing the best you can and that's amazing. It's okay if you lose your temper and yell at your kids sometimes. And it's okay to ask for time for yourself.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

Despite all the challenges, it's been the most rewarding thing I've ever done and the most fun teaching job I've ever had. To witness the growth of a human being and be their guide along this life journey is profoundly awe-inspiring.

Thank you Ashley for sharing your words with us.

Thank you for trusting us with your words and reminding us it is okay ask for help, even when it is hard. Thank you for sharing with such honestly how hard playing with our kids can feel and how much we need time to ourselves in this season.

Emily Curzon

your words will be shared next!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Ashley sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.