Following up on 'self-care'

I have some new ideas about tiny little pauses.

I am collecting responses for my Motherhood Musings series around pregnancy loss. My intention is to share our experiences and help us feel less alone. The form below will be open until June 15th.

Kate Lynch wrote a beautiful piece inspired by my piece. She laid out gaps in my thinking. The ironic and amazing thing is the gaps Kate mentioned were things I had been noticing myself before I read her post.

I wrote my original post from the place inside of myself that longs for quiet, expansive hours alone. That is the space I need to be myself, to restore, to keep going. It is something that is a rarity in motherhood.

So, I was pissed off and I still am sometime about the idea of a few minutes of ‘self care.’ I still do not love the phrasing, so let’s call it self-tending. I am wobbling through a lot of grief around wishing I knew about my neurodivergence before having a child.

I always circle back to the only way I would know about my neurodivergence is because of my son’s existence, but sometimes my brain spirals into unhelpful thoughts of what life would have been like if I had known this sooner. Quieter is the conclusion we come back to.

I pieced together my self-diagnosis of autism 8 months ago. I dug deep into what it was, enough to feel seen and validated, but I did not make any changes in my life because of it. I just kept on keeping on.

Pushing through has always been my way, but it has been catching up to me. My health is slipping, I miscarried, my mental health is reminiscence of the early days of motherhood. My body is begging me to listen and I’ve been ignoring myself.

Because, I am stubborn and if I cannot have hours to myself than I insist a few minutes won’t do. It is why I wrote that post, I got angry when well meaning (and frankly correct) people like Kate pointed out what should have been obvious.

Something is better than nothing.

And I stand by everything I said about creativity in my original post.

But also, when I wrote that, I was neglecting so many things about my environment. Even in my own home, I was pushing through, waiting for bedtime, waiting for quiet, dreaming of time away from my family.

I was not learning or trying to be with, I was avoiding hard.

Recently, since overstimulation and shutdown are happening daily, I have surrendered to a different approach.

To me, overstimulation looks like tension building up in my body until I am buzzing or crispy as I call it and I feel on the edge until the pressure can find an outlet.

To me, shutdown is too many demands at once, too many questions, too many sensory experiences, leading my brain to shut down.

Overstimulation happens in my body.

Shut down happens in my brain.

Historically, if either showed up, I just kept going until I snapped or raged or had to go lay down.

What I am trying now is tiny little pauses.

I am grateful to have a partner who works from home and has a flexible schedule, I know what I am going to say is not feasible for everyone.

But when I feel either overstimulation or shutdown coming on, I take a break. I ask my husband to step in and I go do something else. I try to talk nicely to myself, sometimes I write what I am feeling, sometimes I just set a timer and stare at the sky.

One could call it self care, or self-tending but with how shitty I have been feeling, it more feels like self-preservation.

In the original post and often in my writing, I argue most of us want to do more than just survive. I stand by this because I do want more than survival, but sometimes it is all that is in front of me and available in the moment.

I am not in a season of aliveness.

I am in a season of do whatever I can to not be a person I am ashamed of.

I have been calling these breaks, tiny little pauses.

Redundant yes, but it is what came to mind.

And when I cannot switch out with my husband, I coach myself through it.

“I can feel a shut down coming on, my toddler is just being curiosity. He does not understand too many questions makes my brain go blank. He is being himself, can I breathe, can I grab my earplugs, can I change something in my environment to lessen the input coming at my brain for immediate processing?”

I am longing for the self-talk to sound more compassionate, but right now, it is logical.

I cannot change myself, but I can change my environment.

I am trying to figure out the pieces of what I need as my autistic self and not as the mask I tend to wear of the person who pushes through.

Writing about it feels simple, but in the moment it is hard and sometimes I still push through.

Today, I pushed through and I shutdown while playing with my kid. I stopped talking because my brain stop processing. If I did talk, I was monotone and did not give him much to work with in his pretend game. Once my husband came down, I did not leave, I stayed because I wanted to be able to push through, but I just went more inside myself until my inner critic roared to life and told me I was useless.

Only then did I leave, I cried and the rage appeared. An old friend I often encountered when I push myself too far.

I am tired of ignoring my needs.

What I need matters.

I could have ignored Kate’s post and not written this follow up, but it was needed. I love to tie things up in my writing, sometimes I want to be aspirational, not necessarily as a mother, or anything specific, but I want to help people feel alive or seen or heard.

But my writing often holds gaps, because my brain has gaps.

Just like when I am writing my novel, gaps are the things I do not know yet, things I have not learned.

I am now learning five minutes of tending to myself is something I need and sometimes it is all I have.

And sometimes it is enough.

I am sorry if my writing ever holds my push through energy, I can see it in the original post. There is a confusing and layered part of me that wants me to keep going, and sometimes that part pushes that energy onto everyone around me.

These days though, in this season, I want less.

Honestly, I think I always want less.

Less noise, less stimulation, less striving, less pushing.

More listening, being, slowing down, honoring.

I have always been trying to write as myself, but I also am learning why motherhood is hard for me. I thought it was because it is hard. No one walks around as a mothering thinking this is easy (and if you do or know someone, please do not tell me).

But motherhood is hard for me because I am autistic, because the sheer sensory overload of it all hits my system differently than others.

And I think if you are reading this, or have read a lot of my writings, it is a similar experience for you, whether your identify as autistic, neurodivergent, or not.

As much I am trying to own my needs at home, I am also trying to own them wherever I go. Including this space, I do not know exactly what that means. But I want to talk more about the subject of neurodivergence, as a mother, as a human.

Because there is a difference in how I move through my day and through motherhood, and it is not good, or bad, or any other label at all. It just is.

And we are here, learning together.

I am have been struggling with writing because I do not know how honest to be. I always lean to more.

I go back to the gaps, the things I do not know, I cannot be honest about things I do not yet understand and there have been many things I have been shoving into the save for later tab in my brain and body.

I am working on doing that less, pushing through less, and coming back to my tried and true method of being with.

I am uncomfortable as fuck, but I am here.

Onward,

Emma

Welcome to Being in Motherhood, I’m a writer, artist, and mother constantly redefining myself. I write about being human while navigating motherhood, neurodivergence and living a full creative life. I believe reflection and compassion can change the world, the way we see things, and how we be here.

Finally, I invite you to join the Creative Circle, my paid subscriber space. We gather each month to talk about writing and creativity, share what we are working on, and give and receive gentle, supportive feedback. This time together fuels the creative revolution of women whose ideas, words, and self-expressions are birthed around the edges of motherhood.

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