On being "bigger, stronger, wiser, kinder"

How damn hard it is to raise a child when you are figuring out how to raise yourself.

I am near tears every day lately. Some of this I knew stems from health issues I am having, my hormones are wackadoo as I stopped breastfeeding a few weeks ago. It happened so suddenly, I had no time to prepare. One day, my son stopped asking for milk and it was over. I thought I would have to wean him, or if he did stop on his own, we would have more time.

But here we are, no more milk. My husband puts him to sleep. I feel lost and confused.

What is my role now?

If am not water and nutrients than what am I?

My son is days away from turning three, but this grief and loss is the aching for simpler times. The ache for when all that was needed from me as a parent was making sure he was fed, changed, and sleeping.

Parents have told me parenting, mothering only gets harder. I always smile and nod, because part of me thinks no shit and another part hopes they are lying. But there is something about this phase of motherhood that feels more heavy than ever before.

I feel a whole new understanding of the phrase that has lived in my head since I read Raising a Secure Child, one time when my son was under a year old…

Bigger, strong, wiser, kinder.

As a parent, this is what our child(ren) needs. We need to be responsible for our emotions, our reactions, and how we show up because everything we do influences them.

It is easy to forget this, especially in the stage of toddlerhood, where the stakes have been raised. The expectations are higher because my kiddo understands more, he asks for more, he needs different things, and honestly, most days I cannot cope.

Parenting is hard and I have found the past few months I have checked out. I have been hyperfocused on my book, I have been confused about my place in the world, I have been struggling with balancing my own desires and motherhood. I have been letting all of these things take up most of my mental space, and I haven’t thought much about how I am approaching motherhood.

This impacts my child, I know. I can feel it.

He can feel it when I put my focus elsewhere.

Over the past few days, it is as if a fog has been lifted and I can see how off course I have gotten. My brain is spotting ways to make our days run smoother like it is going to win a prize if it reaches a certain number. I am trying to not let my inner critic take free reign and tell me I have been failing for months.

I have not, but I have been confused.

I have been uncomfortable.

I want things out of life beyond motherhood. It is not good or bad, it just is. Sometimes that want grabs hold of me so strongly it takes all of my focus and energy, as it has the past few months. I am learning how to work with my hyperfocus and find ways to follow what I am passionate about without leaving the rest of my life in disarray, something I knew has roots in my neurodivergent brain.

I have no idea how to balance things, priorities make no sense to me. They don’t, my brain focus on interests. If something does not interest me, I let it go. And if I am brutally honest, this hard stage of motherhood isn’t all that interesting. It is demanding, it makes me shut down. Even when I am with my son, I am somewhere else because this moment is way too uncomfortable.

Awareness is the first step, I am noticing this playing out. I am working with it. I am stepping back from the strict schedule I had for my book writing and allowing it to be more spontaneous. Because I can see how much my son needs me and how little I have been bigger, stronger, wiser, and kinder.

Showing up is hard. While I have still been tending to my son’s needs and all of what motherhood asks, I can see now how easy it is to put blinders on, to ignore things, to neglect the importance of certain habits, or how much my kid needs structure even though I cannot follow a schedule to save my life.

I am never not amazed by how uncomfortable motherhood makes me feel.

The more my son grows, the more I see myself. I spent the first two plus years of my son’s life seeing my husband in him, thinking he would be like him. I never saw myself, but slowly and surely, I see my reflection in him.

I see reflected back to me things I still don’t know how to do…

Make friends, keep friends, socialize, tend to myself when I need a break, ask for what I need when I am overwhelmed.

How am I supposed to teach him these things when I have am stilling working on them for myself?

Maybe this is just me, but it is so easy to get caught in the grind of life and forgot how immensely important the role of being a parent is and what it means to raise a child. It is easier to battle with my toddler, let him give me demands, than it is to practice being bigger, stronger, wiser, and kinder.

It is easy for me to slip into my head and my dreams than it is to be here with a being who needs me, who needs more from me than I know how to give most days.

But when I am off in my head, I am doing both of us a disservice. We both need me to be here, so we can figure life out together.

Because this is where we are, this is how life is.

I have a toddler, I work from home, I have dreams of publishing books, and I need to be here, not there. I need to be in this moment, not some future moment. This does not mean I stop reaching for what I want outside of motherhood, it means I readjust for the millionth time and figure out how to help everything coexist along side each other.

Because each season is different, in life, in parenthood. Things work for a while and we all grow and change. Things needs to shift and adjust. Things have to be fluid, there has to be flow.

This is hard for me, I love flow for some things but there is also so much I wish I could control. I wish I could predict my kids behavior. I wish I could make him listen to me. I wish things could be different than they are a lot of time.

But this is how it is.

I am done arguing with reality.

I am ready to figure out how to be bigger, stronger, wiser, and kinder in this season, in each moment.

Wish me well, because life is a doozy right now. But this too shall pass, another season will come, and it will bring its own challenges.

So, I am going to try and get comfy inside of this one while it is still here.

Onward,

Emma

One realizations after I wrote this that I am not sure where it fits…

The idea of the perfect mother I often envision, the one who can handle motherhood, the one who I assume is more capable than me, is an illusion. I see how flowing and raising myself along side my son is as close as I will get to being someone who feels motherhood is easy and natural. Motherhood, being with my son becomes easier when I hold the moment and my son just as they are.

This is because going with the flow, embracing what is takes a lot less energy than fighting, resisting, and self-protection. I am significantly less tired and drained by the end of the day when I hold everything loosely than when I grip, fight, and live in my head.

There is something about being here, choosing this moment in front of me, that allows everything to soften.

Welcome to Being in Motherhood, I’m a writer, artist, and mother constantly redefining myself. I write about being human while navigating motherhood, neurodivergence and living a full creative life. I believe reflection and compassion can change the world, the way we see things, and how we be here.

I invite you to join the Creative Circle, my paid subscriber space. We gather each month to talk about writing and creativity, share what we are working on, and give and receive gentle, supportive feedback. This time together fuels the creative revolution of women whose ideas, words, and self-expressions are birthed around the edges of motherhood.

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