Real love grows over time

Volume 8 of Unspoken Words: Emily Curzon

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

If you want to submit your musings for my other series, Motherhood Musing, around your expectations of motherhood compared to your reality, click here.

I am excited to introduce

Emily Curzon

, you can connect with Emily here through her Substack.

About Emily

I'm a mom of three, a 9 year old daughter and 5 year old boy/girl twins. We live in Oklahoma with our big golden retriever and enjoy mostly being outside and together. I'm a licensed clinical social worker and used to work as a therapist, but my current setup is collecting stories through podcasting and writing over at We Have This Hope. This is done in all the littler margins of my life as a mom trying to make sure everyone has a snack and gets to school on time.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

This may be the very first thing any new parent learn, but for me the hard thing to admit about motherhood is simply that I'm a control freak. It's almost like that little detail was hidden behind a veil of responsibility, so when my kids were born I had to consider whether the reality behind what everyone had always thought about me--that I was industrious and responsible and could get things done--was actually just me controlling all the things in my life with precision. Becoming a mom exposed that, and still is exposing that.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

Giving of myself constantly isn't actually my favorite thing to do. This one is hard to admit because I don't like that it is true. I want to love and serve my kids and do it with joy. I aspire to be a person who gives of themselves for others--but sometimes I just don't like it.

I want to do what I want. Even in writing this, I realize the counter for anyone reading or listening would be to affirm this, to say it's ok to want to do your own thing, but I wonder sometimes if that is true. If my heart wants to be a servant of all, what do I do on the days my head wants to drink coffee in a quiet office and be alone?

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

I lost my big sister 7 years ago unexpectedly and even still I grieve what my kids don't have because she is gone. I grieve the aunt she would have been to them, incredibly loving albeit incredibly intense. I grieve that this huge part of me they don't really know or understand. Mothering through your own pain, your own complexities, your own emotions can be one of the most challenging things.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

One of the most significant things motherhood has taught me is that real love grows over time. I think the idea that we love our babies the moment we see them is a bit short-sided. Yes, I loved my daughter and felt a connection with her or at least a duty to connect with her the moment I heard her cry, but that is nothing compared to the way I feel about her now that I know her, now that I've learned her and loved her for almost a decade. I wish I could go back to myself struggling to breastfeed because I wanted so badly to make sure we were connected and tell myself that in 9 years we'd be chatting on her bed while she did her homework and she'd say "I love it when we just talk." Real love grows over time.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

I'm in transition right now with my babies being in Kindergarten. No one needs me to change their diaper. No one needs me to put their clothes on (mostly). We're shifting away from the nitty-gritty-keep-everyone-alive phase to developing character. I think today I feel like that is a fun transition, but I'll leave space to shift how I feel about that as we get to the pre-teen phase. :)

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Rather than longing to get back to who you used to be or clinging to the hope that once you get through a certain season THEN you'll be able to find yourself again, instead I'd say look for how you're changing--perhaps for the better--now that you are a mother.

Even for all its challenges, long nights and frustrating days, motherhood will soften out our rough edges whether we go willingly or not. I do not want to go back to the version of myself before motherhood. She was less sleepy, but more controlling, more self-focused, and more naive.

Thank you Emily for sharing your words with us.

Thank you for trusting us with your words and sharing with us real love grows over time. I cried when I read that, because I felt so much pressure to connect with my son from the beginning. He is almost two and the love I feel for him now is much richer and deeper than it ever could have been at day 1. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tansie Bennetts-Slater

your words will be shared next!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Emily sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.