Reclaiming my feminine essence

International Women's Day - Daisy Chain Flower Crown.

A reminder: the Motherhood Musings form is open until March 19th! In this series, I am collecting mother’s words about their expectations of motherhood compared to their reality of motherhood. I am excited to weave together what everyone shares into a post(s).

You can share your words here. If you have any questions, feel free to message me!

This invitation from

Claire Venus

,

Lauren Barber

,

Lyndsay Kaldor

, and company, came at a beautiful time because I have been thinking a lot about feminine energy, this space, and what it all means to me.

During my last mentorship call with

Elena Brower

, she asked us…

When removed, what label would open up our creativity?

I thought mother, instantly, and not in the way you may think.

Obviously, not being a mother would allow more space, sleep, and energy to write and create. But it is deeper than that.

There is something about the mother label that feels incredibly suffocating to my creative process as a women. I have journeyed far and wide to come to some sort of surrender with this season of my life. And yet, I am finding my creative expression moves through much more than my writing.

I am finding creativity is a way of being.

There is this vision I see of myself when I remove the label of mother. It is not some older or wiser version of me but this feminine, creative version of me.

And when I say creative I mean she is alive, vital, and fully expressed.

A pause to say thank you to

Sarina Zoe

, the term fully expressed has been living rent free in my head since I started reading you publication.

This version of me is free, sensual, grounded. She is rooted into her feminine. She is a mother but she is not only a mother. Motherhood does not weigh on her soul but is part of her life. It brings her joy, it brings frustration. It makes her whole life richer.

I experience big emotions as a child and I was sent to therapy because my parent’s felt helpless how to handle me. I got the message…if I stopped tantruming everyone’s life would be easier.

So, I suppressed my feelings, my creativity, my aliveness.

For two decades, I stayed suppressed. Last year, I recovered the memory of being sexually abused and it sent me on a long healing journey, one I am not sure has an end.

At the bottom of the suppression was feelings, aliveness, and creativity. I have found the more I walk this path of healing, the more I become myself. Because the more I remembered of myself.

As I kid, I was wildly creative. I had journals full of poems, songs, and drawings. I wanted to be a fashion designer and I would sketch outfits for my dolls. I would build and decorate a home for my dolls when my parent’s refused to buy one. I would sing and dance around the house.

This free flow of creativity and aliveness stopped when I was abused, my world became dark. There is not a lot of energy left to live when you have to find a way to survive.

I have reconnected with my creativity, my aliveness, my sensuality. I cannot unpack in one writing how massively I have shifted back into my essence. It is something that is unfolding every single day.

Sometimes motherhood feels like a block to this process… then I remember, it is the process. That memory would not have come up without my son’s presence. I would not be remembering myself if not for the presence of his wise and healing soul.

I am learning creativity and femininity is more than sitting down to write my words or paint a picture.

Creativity is a way of being.

Femininity is a way of being.

And it has nothing to do with what was shoved down my throat as a child; perfect dress, perfect hair, perfect manners.

It has everything to do with wildness and trusting my intuition. The more I listen to the wisdom of my body, mind, and soul, the more I feel like myself and the more I feel feminine.

I feel more dropped into my body than ever before, as I sitting here writing to you in my husband’s clothes. Nothing about how I present myself to the world has changed. I have not become a girly girl, I have not taken an interest in make up or doing my hair.

I am realizing…

Femininity is birthed through embracing creativity.

Creativity gives way to aliveness.

Femininity, creativity, and aliveness can be birthed by walking through the literal birth portal and into motherhood itself.

The vision I saw when I removed the label of mother looked like this…

I am sitting in a field full of small yellow flowers over looking a cliff near the ocean, the sun is shining. I can hear the waves breaking below me. I feel weightless but grounded. I am wearing long flowing clothes and you can tell by the expression on my face, I am free.

I am not childless, my son is near by playing freely.

So, often freedom seems to be lacking in motherhood because so much of life is dedicated to taking care of other humans. This is true, I feel this often.

But, I write this to remind myself and you of why we are here, in this space, together.

We can talk about motherhood forever, its complexities, how we feel, what hurts, what feels easy. I never want anyone in this space to feel reading my words or the words of other mother’s is an added weight.

I hope this space brings you an invitation to explore into your own freedom.

Because writing in this space has awoken the wild women in me.

Becoming a mother has invited me back to myself AND that is what this space is about. I started it with the intention that Being in Motherhood was about how important our presence in motherhood is to our kiddos and ourselves.

But I am realizing this space is also about being in motherhood and all that comes with this season of caring for ourselves along side small humans.

Just talking about motherhood can sometimes feel as exhausting as motherhood itself. I am opening myself up to infusing more of this energy I am feeling, the freedom, the creativity, the femininity.

We have been sold a lie about losing ourselves in motherhood. I think motherhood is an opportunity to find ourselves. I think motherhood is an opportunity to face ourselves.

On this International Women’s Day, I am inviting you to dream bigger with me, to evoke your feminine energy, and remove the label of mother.

What do you feel when you remember you are more than mom?

What does femininity mean to you?

How do you connect with your creativity? Your vitality? Your sensuality?

Share with me your responses, thoughts, and feelings, I would love to know.

Love,

Emma

Thank you for reading and if you are new here, welcome! I invite you to read this to learn more about this space and how to contribute to this space. Here, I explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.