Tenderness and toughness

Volume 13 of Unspoken Words: Lauren Salles

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

I am excited to introduce

Lauren Salles

, you can connect with her here.

About Lauren

A 16-month old toddler calls me mama and we’ll be adding a baby sister to the mix in just a few short months. I work as a Speech-Language Therapist and I am an aspiring freelance writer and author (with a kids book in the works!). You can connect with me on Substack, where I write about mental health, motherhood, and other random topics that strike my fancy.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I don’t love being a mom as much as I thought I would. I know that’s something I’m not supposed to say, let alone feel. But that’s my truth.

When I was pregnant with my first, I anticipated her arrival with all the hopeful naivety of a new mom. I was ready to experience that “love like you’ve never known before” that everyone talks about. I scrolled through social media soaking in all of the momfluencer content, imagining my own special moments sure to come. My life as a mom would be full of snuggles and connection – and of course poopy diapers and bottles, but those things would pale in comparison to all the joy that a baby brings.

Now that I’m over a year into motherhood, I’m ready to admit that motherhood feels mostly like … work. Don’t get me wrong, I knew that there would be work involved. Of course, caring for a tiny human adds a significant amount of to-dos. However, I was made to believe that the work of motherhood wouldn’t feel so much like work because I would just be oozing love for my baby. All that love would allow me to do the work while tiptoeing on clouds instead of feeling bogged down by a million menial tasks.

Unfortunately, the work of motherhood is not diminished by the love I feel for my baby. Caregiving takes its tole. There are days when I feel more overwhelmed by work than by love. On most days, I feel at least equal parts affection for my daughter and despair over how much caregiving requires of me.

I try to wake up in the morning before my toddler does so that I can eat breakfast in peace. A small shockwave of dread moves through my system when I see her awake on the monitor. Please, just a little more time. Just a few more minutes for me to feel like this day is my own - full of possibilities rather than full of nose wiping and snack planning. I trudge up the stairs to her room and open the door. Her eyes light up at the sight of me.

Of course, I’m excited to see her too. I try to numb myself to the smell of her diaper and barely manage to avoid a poop massacre on the changing table. While I wrestle a fresh diaper on, I stare down the tunnel of tasks that looms ahead of me: get her dressed, make breakfast, eat, clean up from breakfast, play, put away toys, maybe take her for a walk, make lunch, eat, clean up from lunch, change diaper, prep for nap, nap, wake up, repeat. Our days contain little variety especially now that it’s winter and one of us is always sick. (Emma here - I am hoping Spring being here brings a bit of shift in routine).

And there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight for the work. Baby sister is due in a few months, so it’s all going to multiply x2. The love will multiply, AND the work will multiply right alongside it. I’ve learned that no amount of love will lessen the workload. It’s still going to feel like work … I’m still going to dread cleaning up toddler and baby messes around the clock. But at least this time I won’t be so blindsided.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I am a reluctant girl mom. I thought that I didn’t care about the sex of my baby, but becoming a mom to two daughters has forced me to confront my own deep-seated beliefs, fears and biases. I share more about it in this post.

The most infuriating thing about mothering daughters is dealing with other people’s presumptions. I have a family member who refers to my house as “the sorority house.” Another family member keeps gifting us clothes embellished with princesses. Still others insist on buying dresses, bows, and all things pink rather than functional toys like balls and cars. I cringe at every “pretty girl” comment and I can’t stand when people treat my daughter differently because of her gender.

Unfortunately, because of the pervasiveness of stereotypes, this is something that I will have to live with and actively fight against so that it doesn’t negatively influence my kids.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

I have given up on trying to be a “good mom.” What’s the definition of “good,” anyway? It changes depending on who you ask. I have spent so much of my life trying to be “good” according to other people’s standards. “Good” is a trap and a false binary.

I let my toddler have screen time, she still uses her paci and she doesn’t eat vegetables every day. Sleep training was the best decision we ever made and we send her to daycare most weekdays, where she regularly has snacks like muffins, vanilla wafers and scooby doo graham crackers.

It didn’t take me long to quit the Motherhood Olympics. Being a mom is hard enough, and there are a lot of ways to make it harder. There are also some ways to make it easier, like letting go of perfection and tuning out other people’s opinions.

When the guilt beckons, I remind myself that my decisions to not mean that I love my kid(s) any less. Some people might think so, but their beliefs have more to do with their own self-perception than anything else.

John Steinbeck said “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” I would modify it slightly by saying “And now that you don’t have to be good, you can be real.” When we can stop trying to meet unrealistic standards, we can actually show up and mother as our authentic selves.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

Two opposite things can be true at the exact same time, and in fact, they often are. Like how difficult motherhood is and how much love I have for the little bean that wrecked my life. It’s all breathtakingly beautiful and it’s searingly painful. It’s confusing and also provides a lot of clarity.

There’s a lot of monotony and also a lot of novelty. Motherhood requires both tenderness and toughness and the ability to hold all of this paradox within you as you endure constant evolution.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

In a word: exhausting.

In a few words: Always exhausting, mostly monotonous, occasionally inspiring.

In a vignette: I watch her golden-brown flyaway hair bob toward me, illuminated by the morning light. She walks belly first - something she undoubtedly learned from me - until she gets close enough to fall into my lap. With a giggle she wraps her little arms around me, resting her cheek on my own belly, where her little sister throws punches from the inside. I pull her in closer, her tiny body relaxing as I stroke her back. After a few sweet seconds, she raises her head to meet my eyes and says “belly!” while lifting up my shirt. After giving it a few good pats, she says “bye belly” and pulls my shirt back down. I quickly kiss her forehead before she scoots away from me, off to explore next thing that peaks her interest. I can’t help but smile, seeing her saggy diapered bottom through her lavender onesie. I hope she doesn’t trip over the smattering of toys splayed across our living room. I hoist myself up from the floor and head to the bathroom for the 10th time that morning.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Hang on for the ride. The sooner you realize how little control you have - over everything - the better off you’ll be.

Thank you Lauren for sharing your words with us.

I loved your modification of the Steinbeck quote, let’s all be real together. Realness is something I am cultivating with this series and with this space. Thank you for sharing your real self with us. I hope your second comes into your lives with ease and grace.

Lisha Zulkepli

your words will be shared next!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Lauren sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.