The mother I was last week

Losing ground and patience in my mothering as I shift into the pre-menstrual phase of my cycle.

I have been struggling to get words onto a page the past two weeks, processing my autism diagnosis is taking a lot out of me and then add in motherhood, work, and the tasks of daily life. I do not have any extra of me spare. However, this writing has been sitting in my drafts and I was wondering if I would ever share it.

As I sit in the same phase of my cycle as when I originally wrote this, I thought it would be a good time to share it. I wrote this to my son a few months ago because these are the things I desperately which I could convey to him about my experience in the week leading up to my bleed. I thought I would share it because I know I am not alone in experiencing this shift into discomfort and irritation.

I am trusting I am not the only one who finds the pre-menstrual time of their cycle emotionally painful and difficult to navigate.

Dear Bubba,

I wish to be the mother I was last week…calm, patience, grounded. The mother who had space for all your needs, your wants, your asks and she had space to tend to the house, her writing, her work, and her relationships. With each month, I find myself sad when she goes and I cling to her. I find myself hating this transition into this mother. This mother who sounds and feels an awful lot like my mother.

When I am this mother, you annoy me. Your needs infuriate me, the way you are wired becomes problematic and fixable. I start thinking if only I knew more, if only I understood more about you, then I could solve you. Nothing you do feels cute anymore, I am frustrated by all of you. I am exhausted, I cannot keep tabs on everything that felt seamless last week. I find myself to be without ground, swimming in a rough ocean, and some days I have forgotten how to swim.

I used to think the battle inside me was between the good mother and the bad mother. I settled that battle by setting my sights on being a human mother. One with complexity, feeling, and nuance. One who does not get it perfect, but repairs when she causes harm. One who tends to herself so, you can have more of me, the version of me you need.

And now I wonder if the battle was never between good and bad, but between the ovulation mother and the pre-menstrual mother. The mother mother and the enchantress mother. The mother with space, ease, and grace and the mother with so little patience everything makes her snap. The mother who can take a deep breath and redirect and the mother who feels her skin has prickles on it when you touch me.

I want to be the first mother, the mother mother, the mother I was last week. I long to be her all the time. I long to hold this grounded space for you. I long to love you with ease. I long to take deep breaths when I am frustrated. I long to hold you when you cry. I long to be this mother every day of your life.

Some days, I am not. I am this other mother. The enchantress mother. I snap, I yell, I cry. Everything frustrates me, I cannot make up my mind about how to spend our time together because all I want is peace, quiet, and rest…arguably your three least favorite things. This mother is constantly overstimulated, in need of break, desperate for space from you and to be alone with herself. This mother does not like mothering very much.

And why should she? She isn’t a mother as her primary role. If a women choose to have children, then when she reaches the enchantress phase of her life, they have moved on from her home, they have grown, they have started their own lives. She is free to be. She is free to pursue her own interests. She has space to do what she wants to do more than she is used to. She is not bound by the constrictions of mother.

Right now, I am a mother in the enchantress phase of her cycle. Each month, I struggle. I know you know it, I have moved on from short bursts of rage at the transition from ovulation to pre-menstruation, to a week full of exhaustion due to having to mother. Mothering feels like a burden right now. My thoughts turn ugly, I cannot tolerate most things, I crave to be alone, I desire uninterrupted sleep. I pass you to your Father and I do not look back like I usually do.

We both know my bleed will come in a few days and I will soften. My heart will feel lighter and I will shower love onto you. I will be able to see again how beautiful my life is, how much I love motherhood, and how I am exactly where I am meant to be. But it is hard to see these truth through the haze of my discomfort right now.

To navigate this discomfort, I double down on my practices, I take time alone when I need it, I repair after I cause harm to you with my anger and frustration. I try to explain the basics of cycle awareness to you, so you know this is changing, this is fleeting, it may come back around but it is not about you, it is experience I am having.

I cry big, sloppy tears in your father’s arms because I feel worthless. This haze reminds me of depression, but I am certain it will lift in a few days and is very temporary. My body feels heavier than usual, everything feels negative, I can only see the bad.

I am tired of trying to win this battle inside myself. Instead, I am trying to listen. I am writing this all out, I am holding space for what I feel, I am tending to myself. I am not trying to make this part of me go away, I am not sure I know how yet, but I am certain she is useful and in need of my attention.

I am sorry this part of me has a hard time being with you. I am sorry this time of each month is uncomfortable for both of us. I know you know because I tell you every day, there is nothing you could ever do to make me stop loving you. And while I know my love feels different during this week, it is not gone. It is a lot like when the sun is hiding behind a cloud. It is still there, but it is a little hard to feel the sunshine on your skin.

I love you, please do not take this too close to your little heart. I am holding space for this part of me the best I can, so you do not have to shoulder the burden. We will get through this together.

Love, Mama

I am currently sitting at this phase of my cycle again. I feel tired, worthless, and like I am failing as a mother. I want to be more patient and at ease, but it seems to escape be during this time. This is when my son and I bump heads the most and I forgot to apologize for the endless (it seems) frustration that streams out of me.

How do you navigate this time in your cycle?

How do you come back to your center?

How do you navigate anytime when you feel frustrated and exhausted by life and motherhood?

I would love to hear from you in the comments.

Welcome to Being in Motherhood, I’m Emma, a mother, writer, and artist. Through my writing, I explore nurturing a relationship with myself and the present moment as I navigate motherhood.