The reflection in myself

Volume 16 of Unspoken Words: Cassandra Lucas

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

About Cassandra

My name is

Cassandra Lucas

, I am coming up on a decade of being with my husband but married 3 years next week. I am from Miami, FL and my husband is from Warren OH. We met right in the middle in Charleston, SC by chance on a random summer day by the beach bar.

We have a 2 year old daughter named Ella. She is beautiful, smart, and kind. She is the light of our lives. She is brave and sassy, she is gentle and tough. I had a job I loved dearly and went back to after maternity leave to only quit 2 weeks in because I craved being home. I was given the opportunity to work from home with a semi-flexible schedule that allows me to take care of Ella.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

Breaking the cycle. Hands down. Not losing it on your kid is so hard. The moment it happens my memories come flooding back and all I see is me as a child and all the times I was yelled at or hurt and not heard or given the opportunity to be honest because I was scared.

I recently yelled at my daughter (blaming the hormones of Mother Nature for this awful moment) and she recognized I was angry with her…. She looked at me really sad and said “I’m sorry mommy”. The look in her eyes - a 2 year old….. of just pure sadness because I yelled at her for not staying still to change her diaper.

I was disappointed and mad at myself for allowing me to get there without having taken a breath first and counting to five to recognize the moment before reacting. I apologized profusely to her and I’ve been working on how to not allow myself to get there again. I do not want to discipline like my mother did but seeing that reflection in myself is the hardest part of motherhood.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

No one shares the struggle of marriage during the different stages of having a child.

At first it’s wonderful, you’re in a baby moon. The newborn cuddles, so much love and so much support. Then they start walking and myself as the primary caregiver who works from home and takes care of her…. I’m EXHAUSTED. But who knew that would take a toll on marriage? We have been working through it because our love should be a priority but when you have a little one, they become the priority and your marriage takes a backseat.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

That even though you might have a village, sometimes it’s still lonely.

Also, the feeling of needing a break but not wanting to be away from your kid when you are having that break. It’s literally gut wrenching. Our brains as mothers are wired to be there 24/7, that’s just the way we are built.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

That you change as person because you are a mother. You are no longer the person you use to be. You are someone completely different and having to learn things you like now.

It’s okay to take time for yourself. It’s okay to do the date nights and do the day errands without them. It’s okay to just need a minute outside to just not be touched for 5 minutes. It’s okay to feel guilty when you take time for yourself but its still is nice to drink a cup of hot coffee in one sitting.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

Motherhood in this season is wonderful. She is learning so much at this age, it’s hard to keep up. From learning the ABC’s and counting in her second language to forming sentences and talking all day everyday.

I’ve also got a little helper in everything I do around the house like the dishes, the laundry, cleaning up toys.. you name it, she’s helping. She can also grab the remote or my phone when I’m comfy on the couch haha! While people say the “terrible twos”, we love saying “terrific twos.”

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Do not forget about your spouse, give them the task of date nights. To take the mental load off of you to do special things because you do not have the capacity in this season to do everything. And to take time for yourself. I do not have hobbies but I like getting my hair and nails done. I like spending Ella’s nap outside when it’s nice out to feel the sunshine and rejuvenate. I just picked up an occasional second job just so I could be out of the house a few hours a week alone to have adult conversations and make a little extra money.

Time is a thief, enjoy every moment. Don’t let a day slip by where you didn’t feel you gave all you could.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

In the end every child is different, every mother is different, every situation is different. Only YOU as the mother know exactly what YOUR child needs.

Thank you Cassandra for sharing your words with us.

I too find breaking the cycle to be the hardest work of motherhood, I was raised in an environment where I often felt scared and I do not want to parent the way my mother did, but sometimes she comes rising up out of me anyways. It is something I am constantly working with.

Christianna Joy Scott

your words will be shared next!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Cassandra sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.