Watching things grow

Volume 17 of Unspoken Words: Christianna Joy Scott

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

I am excited to introduce

Christianna Joy Scott

, you can connect with her here (a sanctuary for those who ache) and/or you can connect with her here (for Christianna’s personal words.)

About Christianna

I am the mother of two living toddlers, one who didn't make it to eight weeks, and a bellyful of faces I don't think I'll ever meet. I write to cope and create in generational depression and medical trauma. My pants size has double in two years, but I'm learning to commend my body for all her strength.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

When the doctor laid my daughter on my chest, I felt nothing. Not love or joy or even relief. Not the kind of feeling everyone intimates when they say things like, "Oh, but it will all be worth it!"

Motherhood for me has been a learning curve of releasing expectations like these and coming in to my own truth. For example, it took me nearly three years to come to the realization I did love her, my daughter, and the son born a year later. To realize, in my bones, for myself, that I had loved them, all this time. And to accept that I had been doing the best that I could, even if that didn't seem like enough.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

It isn't natural. Or so my husband joked last night. I retorted that it's actually the most natural thing in the world! But it's not. Not mothering humans in the twenty-first century, at least.

You have to learn how to love. How to mother. How to listen. Knowing your children and their needs does not come natural. Perhaps this has always been true, and we're just coming to the place where we can accept this learning curve by sharing it in places like these.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

When I first considered participating in Emma's Unspoken Words, an image from the worst year of life came to mind, rather than something I've learned. I've never really spoken of it before. It haunts me. I think it's time to let it see the light. Please bear-with me. [deep breath]

We were just a couple months away from moving back home after a traumatic year abroad in which I almost died twice, after my son's birth. Those eleven months, we were just trying to survive anyway we could. On several levels, I felt that my competency as a parent was questioned by people I perceived to be in authority, and in a foreign country too. For a few months, when my colicky son screamed day and night and I had no energy due to severe anemia, I thought the country's equivalent to CPS would show up at my door and take my kids from me. Then what? I couldn't imagine.

One afternoon, my daughter had been quiet for a couple hours during nap time. A poop-smell wafted in from her room, and I told my husband I would go change her. But when I entered the room, the smell assaulted me. As did the visual: her mouth, the walls, the rungs of her crib, the sheet all smudged in brown. She had ripped off her dirtied cloth diaper. Rubbed its brown paste on every surface, including her face. Including her mouth. She had eaten her own poop. I lost it. I could think of nothing but the tales from home I'd heard about foster kids. The situations out of which they had been rescued. I'd imagined scenes like this one. And now it was my child, eating waste-brown. How could I let this happen?

I've felt so much shame over the darkness hovering around and within this image. Of someone eating their own shit. My kid. My daughter. I want to believe this is not an indictment on my ability to care for my children. But even now, I have a hard time believing that.

Thank you for listening.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

Motherhood just stinks, sometimes. Shit happens. And there's little you can do to prevent it. You clean up the mess, and carry on.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

After nearly five years of disappointment, trauma, and exhaustion, this season has truly felt like spring to me. A mental spring. My kids take care of themselves for longer stretches at a time. We're learning letters, playing Candyland, planting kale. I have more time for creative pursuits, like my blog. I'm thrilled to finally watch things grow, instead of keeping them alive on what felt like hope alone.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

You are doing the best you can. You are doing the best you can. You are doing the best you can. Whatever regrets or mistakes, whatever makes you feel ashamed, lay it down. Give yourself this grace: you are doing the best you can. Breathe it in.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

You are doing the best you can. I believe it. Do you? If you do not, let me believe it for you. You are doing the best you can. You are.

Thank you Christianna for sharing your words with us.

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing the story about your daughter. While I haven’t had the same thing happen, I have had a few moments where I thought this is the kind of home someone should take a kid away from. When, I was really struggling with my mental health, I was angry, raging, and navigating PTSD. I would have meltdowns that left me once locking myself in a closet to keep my family out, but also to protect them from me.

We all have things we are ashamed of in motherhood AND like Christianna said, we are all doing the best we can, this includes YOU.

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Christianna sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.