Where are all the wise women?
Exploring the loss of maternal love while I mother my son and myself.
Welcome to Being in Motherhood. I hope this writing finds you when you need it. Thank you for being here. In this publication, I explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.
The writing I share below, I wrote on my birthday, two months ago. I felt called to share it this week because I found myself asking this questions again…where are all the wise women?
I have explored this topic slightly in grieving the loss of the village, but this is different. I am asking who do I turn to when the women who came before me have caused my heart nothing but grief.
I know this is not everyone’s experience, I know some of you have support from your elders, but I also know some of you have complicated relationships with your mothers or your mother is no longer on this earth.
This one is for you…if you are longing to be held by that supportive, nurturing, unconditionally loving presence, but it is no where to be found.
I cry, exhausted, I long for a mother. Any mother will do as long as its not mine. Where are all the wise women? Where is someone who has been here who can help me navigate these times?
It was another restless night.
My son woke up, for what felt like, a million times to nurse. I am exhausted. It is my birthday and I have a massive headache. I am sick of these nights, I am sick of sleeping like shit, I am tired of both of us sleeping poorly. Will stopping nursing change that? I wonder, I wish I could ask an elder but there is no one around.
The day progresses, I feel more tired and more sad. Why am I all alone? Where is the tribe? An angry teen inside me rises up to tell me I have pushed everyone away. A small child rises up to say, but they never understood you, they kept trying to change your pain into something that worked for them.
We get home from birthday festivities, I lay down, completely spent. My husband and son go to pick up my cake. I cry, I bawl, I release this pent up of frustration of never feeling seen, never being wanted, only being good enough to be loved, sometimes, by the woman who came before me.
It is a miracle I mother with love and intention. The women who came before me were thoughtless, heartless, and cold. They prided themselves on being able to do it all for everyone while having no grounded sense of self.
Then, they were resentful when they weren’t seen or when their “love” was not reciprocated. They taught me love feels suffocating and you only worthy of it if you behave. They taught me their love is fleeting if I do not fall in line or constantly prostrate myself at their feet.
Love had conditions. Love had rules. Love was the furthest thing from unconditional.
And yet I want a mother.
In these confusing moments of motherhood, when I want to turn to someone who is wise and has walked the path of raising a child, there is no one around. I can call my friends but they are in it too, figuring out how to make the most aligned choices for their children. They can hold space and hear me, but it is different.
There is something about the tribe. There is something about the bloodline. Whatever it is, I wish it wasn’t true. The distance I have placed between me and my elders is for my own healing. Without that space, I wouldn’t be able to heal or raise my son in the way I have. I would still be stuck trying to earn their love.
I do not want anyone’s love anymore if it means I have to earn it.
Yet, I long for the wise women. The council of my elders. The mothers who have walked before me and learned a thing or two about the journey. On the hard days, I long for someone to hold me, to care for me, to tell me I am doing a wonderful job raising my son.
I long to be mothered. I long for something I never had. I long for something I never will have. And yet, it is something I give everyday.
When my son was 8 months old, he had this phase where he would crawl up to me and lay on me in the middle of the night. I shared this with my therapist and she said, “could you imagine doing that with your mother?” I immediately said no. His safety with me is paramount and evident.
I never had that with my mother, I never had that with the women who cared for me. I rarely felt safe. I rarely felt accepted in my wholeness. Somehow I give that to my son. I have my days where it is harder to do but it is important to me he knows love has no conditions. It is important to me he knows who he is and who he is becoming is welcomed.
Every night as I help him go to sleep, I tell him there is nothing he could ever do that would make me stop loving him. I try to ensure my love has no conditions. And if I ever act in a way that could make him feel like it does, I repair.
I apologize, I validate his feelings, and I tell him how I am working to change my behavior.
I am becoming the wise woman.
I hope the mother I am becoming will allow my son, and any other children I may have, the safety to call me on their hard days, whether they become parents or not. I hope that when the feeling of…’I need my mother’ rises up in their beings, at any age, they feel safe enough, held enough, loved enough, to turn right towards me.
I am navigating the space between longing for the support of the wise women and becoming the wise woman myself. I cannot change my roots, I cannot shift those relationships. I will not shape shift myself for love.
I will learn how to be the most loving, kind, supportive mother I can be for my child. I will do this work for him and for myself. Because, as I learn what it means to be a mother, my inner children heal too.
I can sit with them when they rise up, because I know compassion. I know how hard it is to be small, and instead of using the cruel, punishing voice of my mother, I turn right towards them and validate their emotions. I tell them it hurts when they aren’t seen, it hurts when they are left alone, it hurts when everything is uncertain.
I listen to them, I hold them, I mother them.
I am removing myself from the death grip of my past. Trauma wants to hold me in a developmentally unsound place. Trauma wants me to stay the same because the unknown is terrifying. Trauma does not want me to heal.
But I have to. I have to let go of where I have been to become the mother I never had, to become the mother my son needs.
The past will hold you prisoner as long as you let it, and it is time I set myself free.
Love,
Emma
Thank you for reading!
Share with me in the comments or reply to this email what moved through you as you read this…do you have the support of your elders? Do you long to be mothered? Are you becoming the mother you never had?
If you know someone who is on the journey of motherhood and healing, please share this with them. It means everything to me when you share my work with someone you love and who could benefit from reading it.
More wise women and elders would
Be wonderful indeed ! ❤️ I have an upcoming Substack series on this topic.. will send you when it’s out 🙏
Thank you for sharing this Emma ❤️ I resonated so deeply for the relationship with my mother was very similar and as a child. I was always a big feeler from a young age and from my Mum to try and get to behave I simply only ever received shaming and ridicule, the hardest part is that if I’ve ever brought it up it’s like she doesn’t remember and simply says ‘god you think you’d had the worst childhood ever.’ We have a lot of physical distance now because in order for me to walk my own road with my babies it was essential. Still the manipulation comes from time to time as she resents me a lot for living away but it’s less frequent these days xx
I’ve done so many courses, inner child work, I meditate daily, personal development, spiritual development, past & present life trauma healing but still part of that small child longs for her to love me. I’ve never had therapy but wonder if that is something I should consider. I mother my son in a way that has him (hopefully) feel seen, heard, validated and loved, holding him tenderly in his big three year old emotions. Some days I feel as though I can’t get it right channelling my mother all too often (today was one of those days) but we talk it through and I explain it’s what I experienced as a child coming up. I also long to be seen in my mothering to have wise mothers & grandmothers around us who offer wisdom, compassion & love yet the further down the path of mothering I go the less likely it seems in this modern world of parenting. I’m hoping over time that changes and I am able to find love, support, connection and a true village to speak of rather than simply a handful of friends to rely upon ✨ Thank you again for your heart. The mother in me sees, feels & knows the mother in you xxx