Your voice is valid

Volume 24 of Unspoken Words: Ashleigh Houlton

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.

I am excited to introduce

Ashleigh Houlton

, you can connect with her at MotherVerse.

About Ashleigh

In a previous universe, I was a magazine beauty features editor and brand copywriter. In this one, I’m making sense of my new sphere of life as a mum to my three-year-old son through a series of personal essays and poetry. You’ll find me on Substack and Instagram as MotherVerse, where I tackle taboo topics such as birth trauma, PTSD and parenting with chronic illnesses.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

The physical and mental strain is beyond comprehension. I constantly question if I’m doing something wrong to feel the way I do, frayed at the edges, wading through this strange landscape. Why can’t I cope like the other mothers? Why doesn’t this come easily to me? Why can’t I just get on with it? I tried to ‘prepare’ as best I could for this live-changing event but felt utterly shell-shocked during and after bringing my baby into the world. There’s so much left unsaid during antenatal appointments; no one informed me about the possibility of birth trauma, pelvic floor dysfunction, invisible illness, PTSD, inability to breastfeed, cow’s milk protein allergy… The list goes on…

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

The maternal ambivalence on a day-to-day basis – from grief and loss to overwhelming gratitude and love – leaves me feeling a little insane at times. One minute I’m mourning my old identity and the next I’m tearing up, my heart swelling with pride as I look at the beautiful little soul that I created.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

I feel resentful that I’ve ended up with chronic conditions as a result of COVID-19 at 38 weeks pregnant and birth. I grieve the fact that it may not be possible to have the second child that was always in our plan. I’ve been forced to leave my job and I berate myself for not living up to the societal ideal of a ‘perfect modern-day mother’ who ticks all the boxes. I feel immense pressure to be a career woman, gentle parent and doting housewife with a snap-back body, yet there’s no external support for mothers, let alone those struggling with long-term illness.

However, I’m able to work my Substack around time with my son, the pre-school run and drop everything to tend to him when he’s poorly. It’s not the mothering journey that I expected – but it’s the one I’m on and making peace with it is a work in progress.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

To speak your truth and not allow yourself to be silenced. Your voice is valid. Mothers and carers are superheroes! It’s the hardest unpaid work you’ll ever do, and also the most magical and heartfelt.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

My son and I love autumn: the crisp, sunlit walks, comforting mugs of hot cocoa, nesting on the sofa and Halloween festivities. But the colder weather brings with it those gnarly nursery germs, which isn’t great for his chest or my unpredictable immune system. He was diagnosed with viral-induced wheeze last winter, which saw us in and out of hospital.

We’ve both been full of cold since the temperature dropped and despite me hoping for a better year, his quickly developed into a chest infection. After an all too familiar trip to out-of-hours GP, an inhaler and antibiotics, he made a swift recovery. Thankfully, kids are so resilient. I, on the other hand, find myself knocked for six weeks on. Parenting poorly children while being unwell yourself is quite frankly, utterly miserable. I’m feeling a mixture of joy and apprehension.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Never underestimate your strength; even when you’ve reached your limit, you’ll somehow rise and start all over again. And if that looks like therapy, antidepressants or a helping hand on the way back up, be brave and ask for what YOU need. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual; you’ll learn as you go, find your groove and discover that it’s ok to make mistakes.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

It sounds cliché but I get through the challenging times living by the mantras ‘everything is just a phase’ and ‘this too shall pass’. The sleep deprivation and insomnia, the shame of only being able to breastfeed for three weeks, the hyper-vigilance and the fear of never writing again no longer dominate my days. There’s always an end and a new beginning.

Thank you Ashleigh for sharing your words with us.

I related to feeling completely unprepared for motherhood and all the things that come with it that you named. It takes so much energy to care for a human and it becomes extraordinarily difficult when there are other things present, like chronic illness. Thank you for sharing so openly and vulnerably with is.

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Ashleigh sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.