A call to action for mothers

An invitation to stop justifying our love for our child(ren) after we tell the truth about motherhood.

Welcome to Being in Motherhood. I hope this writing finds you when you need it. Thank you for being here. In this publication, I explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

Does my love for my child diminishes after I share a hard truth about my experience?

I want you to hold this question in your heart as you read.

I have been loving the honest shares I have been reading this week about motherhood. This one about the real postpartum or this one about her first year as a mother of two, both written by

Lauren Barber

. I also loved reading this piece about navigating family dynamics in motherhood written by

Julia

.

These reads help me feel more brave in speaking my own truths and it makes me question, why is it so hard for us to speak up as mothers?

Why are most truths about motherhood buttressed with…but I love my child(ren)?

What kind of mother’s love diminishes after sharing the hard truth about her experience?

Listen, we can discuss patriarchy, capitalism, and all the facets of the cultures we live in another time because I am sure they play a role. I am sure mothers being afraid to tell their truths didn’t start with this generation. I know it is ancient.

I just finished reading A Ghost in the Throat by Doireann Ní Ghríofa, thank you

Heidi Fiedler

for this recommendation). The story is a journey of a mother trying to uncover the life of an 18th century poet who’s words mean so much to her. It is a testament to what it means to mother children and mother a deep creative desire.

The story starts and ends with this line…”this is a female text.”

Throughout the book, we see how this poet from the 18th century is removed for letters, text, etc. She writes this gorgeous account of losing her husband, but it is a snapshot in time. By the end, the author is still not certain of many details of her life. It is unclear to the author who this women fully was.

I do not want that to be me and I do not want that to be you. Because this writing I am sharing, the writing I am seeing other’s mothers doing, are all female texts.

Our words are needed and we have to stop justifying our pain, grief, and agony.

I am inviting you to stop saying, but I love my child(ren) after you tell the truth of your experience. Here is why.

My son has been ill the past few days…he has not slept well, which means I have not slept well. When he is sick, I have to hold him all.night.long. I am breastfeeding (I almost wrote still but I think my intention here is to invite us to remove all qualifiers and own the fullness of our experiences) and he tends to wake up more for milk when he does not feel well.

My son is almost two, he does not sleep anywhere through the night. When I try to guess how many times he wakes up a night, people’s faces contort in horror. He wakes up anywhere from 5-12 times a night. That is a guess, I do not count or look at a clock. I know 4 wakes is a good night of sleep for me and him.

All this to say…sleep is hard, this week has been hard. It is something I do not talk about often because people’s faces tell me I should wean him. People’s looks of judgement tell me…I am doing this to myself.

I have even started to feel I do not have a right to share what is true for me. The amount of times I have heard mothers, say I could never, in response to my experience is extremely disheartening.

It works for us and it also does not. I am preparing to night wean him, and the end is in sight, but I could not fathom it until I felt ready. I am certain he will never be ready and that is okay. I know I am growing tired and transition is near.

That is a truth I find hard to say out loud. I find it hard to share anything about sleep because I fear being judged by other mothers. I also fear others will think I do not love my son because I am tired of waking up throughout the night.

Does my love for my child diminishes after I share a hard truth about my experience? No, it does not.

Something I am finding about motherhood is I do not care what choices you make as a mother and I deeply care what choices you make as a mother.

I do not care because I do my best to not judge how other people parent. I also do care because I want to hear other women’s stories, even if they are different than mine.

I am tired of the competition in motherhood, I am tired of feeling shamed about what is true for me, I am tired of feeling like there are these unspoken rules I have to abide by when I speak with other mothers.

I want to scream from the roof tops this is my truth because this is a female text.

And I want to hold you and all mothers in whatever your truth is.

This is what it means to mother in this season of life. I am exhausted from holding my baby all night, I have been a different level of brain dead this week, I have felt burnt out on life and desperate to be alone to just not be touched or needed.

None of what is true for me changes how I feel about my son. My love for him is not in question because motherhood is hard. I think there is a short list that allows anyone to question a mother’s love; that is abuse in all of its forms.

Otherwise, I think we are relatively safe to share what is real without worrying it changes our love for our child(ren). I think we are welcomed in a supportive places to tell our stories, write our female texts, and let go of the buts, justs, and stills.

No more, motherhood is hard but I love my son.

No more, I am still breastfeeding.

No more, I just want a little time alone.

Let’s start saying AND. Let’s start naming what we mean, what we feel, what we need.

Motherhood is hard AND I love my son. I am breastfeeding. I need time alone.

This is the inspiration behind the series Unspoken Words…I am holding space for other mothers to share their stories, their truths, and the things that are hard to admit.

I do not question how much another mother loves her child, ever. I know every mother I meet is doing her best to love, support, and nurture her child alongside figuring out who she is in this phase of life.

I love my son. Most days, words are not enough to encapsulate it.

And I need myself.

And I need to write.

And I need to wean him because I miss sleep.

Please, if you take anything away from this, it is an invitation to give yourself more grace and offer more grace to the women who are walking alongside you on their own journey of motherhood.

If you are still holding the question I shared in the beginning, read it again.

Does my love for my child diminishes after I share a hard truth about my experience?

Now answer it, honestly, to yourself. I know the answer is no. I would even guess you might feel more alive, grounded, and like yourself when you share your truth.

Here is your call to action…what words would you remove from your vocabulary?

I am removing just, but, and still. Let’s add good and bad to the list.

You aren’t a good or bad mother, you are a mother and this is a female text.

Now, go write yours.

Love,

Emma

Thank you for reading! Thank you to

Katie Gresham

,

Brooke Lyons

,

Christine Vaughan Davies

, and

Steph Wright

for helping me decide what to share this week.

Share with me in the comments or reply to this email what moved through you as you read this…what words are you removing from your vocabulary? How can you share more hard truths with yourself, your friends, your community?

If you know someone who is on the journey of motherhood and healing, please share this with them. It means everything to me when you share my work with someone you love and who could benefit from reading it.