I adore this and I adore you! I love my daughters AND I am frustrated that I can’t put the baby down AT ALL currently at bedtime unless she is on me in my bed... and I miss having an hour or so to myself to eat dinner and be with my husband. I also want to eradicate any kind of ‘should’ from my vocabulary as well as the ones you have mentioned!!! Xx
I am always working to remove shoulds from my life! Thank you for sharing! I know that frustration...we have mostly grown out of those nights, except when he’s sick then I can’t do anything but hold him and it’s so frustrating. I never want my freedom more than when I cannot have it.
This couldn’t have come at a perfect time! I love my daughter AND I’m frustrated that she brought home pink eye which I caught. And it ended up being viral so who knows when it will fully clear up 😭😭😭 but seriously, my intention is to show myself for more grace, patience, and love as I solo parent 2 for the next few days. It’s ok if our meals are a little more fast and our entertainment is little more of the blue screen variety 😅
We got to do what we got to do to survive. I used to be so uptight about screens and what not. Now, we are sitting watching Bluey because my cramps are so bad and I need to be still. Everything in moderation! I’m sorry you both have pink eye!
Beautiful, Emma, and I so relate. It almost brought me to tears of the other “mother’s contorted faces.” I’ve seen them, I’m sure I’ve even been them. I love how you don’t care and care deeply. A beautiful mantra for all mothers. I’m taking that and so much more with me. 😍
Oh, my son (10) is also sick. I’m still his comfort person and he doesn’t like being alone when he’s sick. I love that he chooses me but also mad I agreed to sleep in a top bunk for two nights while my husband slept diagonally in our king sized bed. I hope you get a good night of sleep soon!
Oh I'm sure he will! Even as an adult I still want my mom! It's funny though because my husband is so calm and cool in "crisis" and I'm such a chicken. I spiral immediately. And yet-- the spiraling chicken is who my kid chooses every single time.
Always welcoming discussion from moms with older kids, because that will be all of us with young kids right now, it helps to understand how things can change and how some things don’t!
I am at an easier phase of parenting rightnow (8 and 4.5), which is good because I'm in the thick of a midlife crisis in other parts of my life. I breast fed both daughters until they were 3. I night weaned sometime around when they turned 2. Honestly, for our family weaning earlier would have stressed us all out. But with my second in particular I started resenting nursing a bit at the end (I had been pregnant and/or nursing continuously for 7 years atthat point), which was a good sign it was time to be done. All of which is to say I see you, keep doing what works for your family. I hope it gets easier for your family like it has for us.
Thank you for your perspective...it is good to know things change as they get older and then life throws you other things! I agree, there is definitely a natural time to do it for everyone, and that moment hasn’t quite arose yet! Thank you for being here.
You need to write a book! Please tell me you’re working on a book! This is one of my absolute favorite posts of yours ! It’s extremely relatable and I’m right there with you when it comes to sleep. Indi is 2.5 and still wakes up allot . we haven’t found a reason so we are just riding out the season 😂 love you so much !
This is such a powerful piece Emma - I especially love when you say:
"I do not care because I do my best to not judge how other people parent. I also do care because I want to hear other women’s stories, even if they are different than mine."
I'm in a similar situation to you in terms of breastfeeding my 21 month old and he wakes the same amount of times as your son, it is totally exhausting! And I totally agree, we shouldn't have to say but I love my child, when we are talking about the hard bits. Also love those posts from Lauren and Julia that you shared too x
Good luck with the night weaning! I recently night weaned my daughter at 2 years 9 months so she now just has the one feed a day at bedtime, and it was absolutely fine and stress free. However I’m sorry to say it did not improve her sleep at all as she still wakes just as much for cuddles and connection instead of the boob. I guess it’s just who she is and I’m ok with it...ish...but after nearly 3 years of this I am TIRED!
I have sadly no hope it will improve his sleep! I think it is just who he is but I think not nursing so much will leave me a little less drained. Do you pump at all or you just do the one feed and your boobs are fine?! I plan to keep the nap and sleep feed but wean at night.
This couldn’t have come at a perfect time! I love my daughter AND I’m frustrated that she brought home pink eye which I caught. And it ended up being viral so who knows when it will fully clear up 😭😭😭 but seriously, my intention is to show myself for more grace, patience, and love as I solo parent 2 for the next few days. It’s ok if our meals are a little more fast and our entertainment is little more of the blue screen variety 😅
So wonderfully said. I’ve always been very honest about the hard parts when talking to people personally. Publishing online I have felt the “buts” come on. This week I’ll start drafting a piece with no qualifiers. Thanks for the bravery boost.
Ah Emma I relate to this SO much! I co-slept with my son til he was 2.5 (my husband now sleeps with him) and he woke me every 1 - 2 hours. I was breastfeeding him at night and am breastfeeding him in the day, now he's 3 years old. I say 'still breastfeeding' all the time- and sound really guilty and apologetic when I say it because I feel a bit embarassed because it's so not the cultural norm.
I had SO many horrified looks and reactions when I would tell people how many times he was waking me up. So much advice - especially that I should stop breastfeeding, that that was the problem. Very few people said 'you warrior. you are incredible' and no one ever asked 'why?' They just assumed, I think, that I was needlessly being a martyr and made me feel that I was doing things wrong. Rather than it being my really strong belief and intuitive sense that meeting his needs in the night and never leaving him alone to cry would set him up for life with a sense of security and safety in the world.
We night weaned him when he was 2.5 (my husband took him and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be), but I'm so glad I waited til I was ready rather than bowing to pressure to do it much earlier.
I LOVE this piece so much and thank you for sharing. It's good for me to reflect on. I will try to say 'I am breastfeeding' rather than 'still'. Also - you are a warrior for meeting your son's needs. It's brutal and exhausting and an unbelievable act of love.
I may reach out when I decide to wean because our situations seem so similar. It is beyond frustrating that the narrative is we are martyring ourselves, I do not want any sort of medal for sleeping like shit or meeting my sons needs, but I do want recognition that I am doing what feels right for him and me. That’s my job as his mother and that is how I want to be seen. Thank you for seeing that!
On the flip side of this however, I night weaned my second son at 11 months because I desperately needed more sleep. He’s 2 now and still doesn’t sleep through he night. It’s certainly getting better over time but I feel like it’s such a myth that gets passed around, no night milk = full nights sleep. Every kid is so different and honestly sometimes feeding through the night will give you more sleep! Doing what feels right for you is key x
It is so hard to know, you can’t know. I am prepared to still sleep poorly when we wean because it may have nothing to do with milk at all! Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Yes! 👏👏👏 That was one of the things I found so tough about sleep deprivation- how invisible it is. I would always get SO triggers by mums who were all chirpy and energetic while I felt so grumpy and angry all the time...
Very happy to share our journey with weaning - it wasn’t linear, but felt completely right for us. I was so close to hiring a sleep consultant who wasn’t aligned with my values but I was just desperate. Really glad I didn’t as it all worked out ok xx
I struggled until recently to even be fully ok with the identity of being a mother AND that did not diminish my love for my child. It was an internal dissonance that sapped my energy and had me struggling to know who to be in the world.
When I would speak about how hard it’s been for me, and how this has influenced my decision not to have another child - I also have a child who is ‘low sleep needs’ - I felt like I was somehow betraying her and betraying her love for me.
Thankfully lately I’ve become a lot more reconciled with all this, way less wronging myself, much more peace as she approaches 3 years old!
Thank for speaking directly to my heart. I only wish I had this when I needed it 20 years ago. My neurodivergent boy was a handful and I spent years wishing things were simpler. I would compare him to others in my community or family and question my choices as a mom. Sometimes, it stunk! I felt guilty saying that out loud. I don't want to look back and say I "should have" done something. I did the best at that particular point in time. There is no point in beating myself up for it now. Keep moving on!
You are so welcome. I suspect my son has some aspect of neurodivergence, based on his sleep and how he is starting to interact with the world. I understand the feeling of wishing it was simpler!
Love this piece 🙌 especially the I am ‘still’ breastfeeding sentiment which I am guilty of and I hate it. Even this morning while FaceTiming my mother, she told me it’s maybe time to wean because I’m currently unwell with gastro and breastfeeding is just not necessary... I wanted to scream! My little one is 14 months and while, like you, I can sense transition is near, I don’t need others, or myself, apologising for the real experience that is motherhood. Thank you Xx
Removing this statement from my journey...I am JUST the stepmother.
I am the stepmother AND I love my stepchildren.
Thank you for this. Often times, the competition in stepmotherhood becomes more personal but reads like this remind me of how the journey can be a healthy one, if I make it one. ☺️
I have a new baby boy and 3 other sons and it is very dense sometimes, and also so incredibly beautiful. I fear the end of this stage, even as the fatigue is like an illness. But what I really want to say is this: why oh why do mothers compete? Something about your piece made me feel so deeply that we are all raising this generation together. That these kids will be each others' partners and best friends and peers and colleagues. I want all of these little people to be FOR each other. And so we must be for each other. Because what we model, they become.
Thank you for joining this space and sharing your truth. Fuck (can we curse here? I’m doing it), that’s so true. We are doing this together, it can feel so isolating....like we aren’t, like we are separate. But how you raise your boys, how I raise mine, how others do it, we are doing it all differently with this generation and that is going to shift things!
Got here late but eventually I made it to this post. I want to first of all thank you for the mention, I am so grateful and touched by the fact that my words reached you so deeply and meaningfully. You will know by now just how difficult I find to share my challenges and fails without often feeling unvalidated for them. This space, words like yours, people like you are what helps me stay grounded, find my confidence again and remember that I am simply and wonderfully human. Thank you. Truly.
I feel the beauty of Substack is that you are never late, but finding everything in your own time. You are simply and wonderfully human, we wouldn’t have you any other way. You are welcome, thank you for sharing your heart.
I adore this and I adore you! I love my daughters AND I am frustrated that I can’t put the baby down AT ALL currently at bedtime unless she is on me in my bed... and I miss having an hour or so to myself to eat dinner and be with my husband. I also want to eradicate any kind of ‘should’ from my vocabulary as well as the ones you have mentioned!!! Xx
I am always working to remove shoulds from my life! Thank you for sharing! I know that frustration...we have mostly grown out of those nights, except when he’s sick then I can’t do anything but hold him and it’s so frustrating. I never want my freedom more than when I cannot have it.
This couldn’t have come at a perfect time! I love my daughter AND I’m frustrated that she brought home pink eye which I caught. And it ended up being viral so who knows when it will fully clear up 😭😭😭 but seriously, my intention is to show myself for more grace, patience, and love as I solo parent 2 for the next few days. It’s ok if our meals are a little more fast and our entertainment is little more of the blue screen variety 😅
We got to do what we got to do to survive. I used to be so uptight about screens and what not. Now, we are sitting watching Bluey because my cramps are so bad and I need to be still. Everything in moderation! I’m sorry you both have pink eye!
That word AND. Oh, how vital it is to be able to articulate and hold two truths at once. Sometimes more than two.
It is a very helpful word!
A small but mighty word! A reminder that life is both and finding harmony in that duality.
My son got lice TWICE which means so did I! I never had it as a kid. And guess who avoided it both times-- my husband!
🤣🤣 omg my husband is the last one standing in our house right now
ALWAYS!!!!
Beautiful, Emma, and I so relate. It almost brought me to tears of the other “mother’s contorted faces.” I’ve seen them, I’m sure I’ve even been them. I love how you don’t care and care deeply. A beautiful mantra for all mothers. I’m taking that and so much more with me. 😍
Oh, my son (10) is also sick. I’m still his comfort person and he doesn’t like being alone when he’s sick. I love that he chooses me but also mad I agreed to sleep in a top bunk for two nights while my husband slept diagonally in our king sized bed. I hope you get a good night of sleep soon!
I love that your son wants you to sleep near him while he is sick, I hope my son asks for that when he is older. Thank you for being here!
Oh I'm sure he will! Even as an adult I still want my mom! It's funny though because my husband is so calm and cool in "crisis" and I'm such a chicken. I spiral immediately. And yet-- the spiraling chicken is who my kid chooses every single time.
Same over here! My husband is calm and cool, I get nervous but my son chooses me for bedtime, at least!
It doesn't end as they get older, does it? Lovely to see experiences of having older children coming into this discussion.
Always welcoming discussion from moms with older kids, because that will be all of us with young kids right now, it helps to understand how things can change and how some things don’t!
I am at an easier phase of parenting rightnow (8 and 4.5), which is good because I'm in the thick of a midlife crisis in other parts of my life. I breast fed both daughters until they were 3. I night weaned sometime around when they turned 2. Honestly, for our family weaning earlier would have stressed us all out. But with my second in particular I started resenting nursing a bit at the end (I had been pregnant and/or nursing continuously for 7 years atthat point), which was a good sign it was time to be done. All of which is to say I see you, keep doing what works for your family. I hope it gets easier for your family like it has for us.
Thank you for your perspective...it is good to know things change as they get older and then life throws you other things! I agree, there is definitely a natural time to do it for everyone, and that moment hasn’t quite arose yet! Thank you for being here.
You need to write a book! Please tell me you’re working on a book! This is one of my absolute favorite posts of yours ! It’s extremely relatable and I’m right there with you when it comes to sleep. Indi is 2.5 and still wakes up allot . we haven’t found a reason so we are just riding out the season 😂 love you so much !
I can’t believe Indi is 2.5...that’s wild. I’m working on a novel about motherhood! I love you so much, hoping the seasons ends soon!
Cannot wait to read it !
This is such a powerful piece Emma - I especially love when you say:
"I do not care because I do my best to not judge how other people parent. I also do care because I want to hear other women’s stories, even if they are different than mine."
I'm in a similar situation to you in terms of breastfeeding my 21 month old and he wakes the same amount of times as your son, it is totally exhausting! And I totally agree, we shouldn't have to say but I love my child, when we are talking about the hard bits. Also love those posts from Lauren and Julia that you shared too x
Thank you for sharing! My son is 21 months old too! I am all for more sharing of our honest experiences!
Same age! Absolutely, it's so refreshing to read honest accounts of motherhood, makes you feel less alone too x
Good luck with the night weaning! I recently night weaned my daughter at 2 years 9 months so she now just has the one feed a day at bedtime, and it was absolutely fine and stress free. However I’m sorry to say it did not improve her sleep at all as she still wakes just as much for cuddles and connection instead of the boob. I guess it’s just who she is and I’m ok with it...ish...but after nearly 3 years of this I am TIRED!
I have sadly no hope it will improve his sleep! I think it is just who he is but I think not nursing so much will leave me a little less drained. Do you pump at all or you just do the one feed and your boobs are fine?! I plan to keep the nap and sleep feed but wean at night.
This couldn’t have come at a perfect time! I love my daughter AND I’m frustrated that she brought home pink eye which I caught. And it ended up being viral so who knows when it will fully clear up 😭😭😭 but seriously, my intention is to show myself for more grace, patience, and love as I solo parent 2 for the next few days. It’s ok if our meals are a little more fast and our entertainment is little more of the blue screen variety 😅
So wonderfully said. I’ve always been very honest about the hard parts when talking to people personally. Publishing online I have felt the “buts” come on. This week I’ll start drafting a piece with no qualifiers. Thanks for the bravery boost.
So happy to offer you a bravery boost! I look forward to reading it when it comes!
Ah Emma I relate to this SO much! I co-slept with my son til he was 2.5 (my husband now sleeps with him) and he woke me every 1 - 2 hours. I was breastfeeding him at night and am breastfeeding him in the day, now he's 3 years old. I say 'still breastfeeding' all the time- and sound really guilty and apologetic when I say it because I feel a bit embarassed because it's so not the cultural norm.
I had SO many horrified looks and reactions when I would tell people how many times he was waking me up. So much advice - especially that I should stop breastfeeding, that that was the problem. Very few people said 'you warrior. you are incredible' and no one ever asked 'why?' They just assumed, I think, that I was needlessly being a martyr and made me feel that I was doing things wrong. Rather than it being my really strong belief and intuitive sense that meeting his needs in the night and never leaving him alone to cry would set him up for life with a sense of security and safety in the world.
We night weaned him when he was 2.5 (my husband took him and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be), but I'm so glad I waited til I was ready rather than bowing to pressure to do it much earlier.
I LOVE this piece so much and thank you for sharing. It's good for me to reflect on. I will try to say 'I am breastfeeding' rather than 'still'. Also - you are a warrior for meeting your son's needs. It's brutal and exhausting and an unbelievable act of love.
I may reach out when I decide to wean because our situations seem so similar. It is beyond frustrating that the narrative is we are martyring ourselves, I do not want any sort of medal for sleeping like shit or meeting my sons needs, but I do want recognition that I am doing what feels right for him and me. That’s my job as his mother and that is how I want to be seen. Thank you for seeing that!
On the flip side of this however, I night weaned my second son at 11 months because I desperately needed more sleep. He’s 2 now and still doesn’t sleep through he night. It’s certainly getting better over time but I feel like it’s such a myth that gets passed around, no night milk = full nights sleep. Every kid is so different and honestly sometimes feeding through the night will give you more sleep! Doing what feels right for you is key x
It is so hard to know, you can’t know. I am prepared to still sleep poorly when we wean because it may have nothing to do with milk at all! Thank you for sharing your perspective!
Yes! 👏👏👏 That was one of the things I found so tough about sleep deprivation- how invisible it is. I would always get SO triggers by mums who were all chirpy and energetic while I felt so grumpy and angry all the time...
Very happy to share our journey with weaning - it wasn’t linear, but felt completely right for us. I was so close to hiring a sleep consultant who wasn’t aligned with my values but I was just desperate. Really glad I didn’t as it all worked out ok xx
I am often grumpy and angry, then some days it is better. Thank you, I appreciate your presence in this space!
I thought if you when I read this Ellie! You are a warrioress and I think you are incredible!!! Xx
Glad to see you here, Lauren! I thought of you (haha!) as I was reading!
Love that! ❤️
Right back at you ❤️
Thank you for this valuable share and invitation.
I struggled until recently to even be fully ok with the identity of being a mother AND that did not diminish my love for my child. It was an internal dissonance that sapped my energy and had me struggling to know who to be in the world.
When I would speak about how hard it’s been for me, and how this has influenced my decision not to have another child - I also have a child who is ‘low sleep needs’ - I felt like I was somehow betraying her and betraying her love for me.
Thankfully lately I’ve become a lot more reconciled with all this, way less wronging myself, much more peace as she approaches 3 years old!
All the pieces definitely get more sorted out over time, I find that true for myself. Thank you for sharing your truth!
Thank for speaking directly to my heart. I only wish I had this when I needed it 20 years ago. My neurodivergent boy was a handful and I spent years wishing things were simpler. I would compare him to others in my community or family and question my choices as a mom. Sometimes, it stunk! I felt guilty saying that out loud. I don't want to look back and say I "should have" done something. I did the best at that particular point in time. There is no point in beating myself up for it now. Keep moving on!
You are so welcome. I suspect my son has some aspect of neurodivergence, based on his sleep and how he is starting to interact with the world. I understand the feeling of wishing it was simpler!
Love this piece 🙌 especially the I am ‘still’ breastfeeding sentiment which I am guilty of and I hate it. Even this morning while FaceTiming my mother, she told me it’s maybe time to wean because I’m currently unwell with gastro and breastfeeding is just not necessary... I wanted to scream! My little one is 14 months and while, like you, I can sense transition is near, I don’t need others, or myself, apologising for the real experience that is motherhood. Thank you Xx
Gahhhh I feel that so much. You are so welcome!!
Removing this statement from my journey...I am JUST the stepmother.
I am the stepmother AND I love my stepchildren.
Thank you for this. Often times, the competition in stepmotherhood becomes more personal but reads like this remind me of how the journey can be a healthy one, if I make it one. ☺️
Thank you for sharing! I find JUST to be such a minimizing word, being a step mother is very important!
I have a new baby boy and 3 other sons and it is very dense sometimes, and also so incredibly beautiful. I fear the end of this stage, even as the fatigue is like an illness. But what I really want to say is this: why oh why do mothers compete? Something about your piece made me feel so deeply that we are all raising this generation together. That these kids will be each others' partners and best friends and peers and colleagues. I want all of these little people to be FOR each other. And so we must be for each other. Because what we model, they become.
Thank you for joining this space and sharing your truth. Fuck (can we curse here? I’m doing it), that’s so true. We are doing this together, it can feel so isolating....like we aren’t, like we are separate. But how you raise your boys, how I raise mine, how others do it, we are doing it all differently with this generation and that is going to shift things!
Got here late but eventually I made it to this post. I want to first of all thank you for the mention, I am so grateful and touched by the fact that my words reached you so deeply and meaningfully. You will know by now just how difficult I find to share my challenges and fails without often feeling unvalidated for them. This space, words like yours, people like you are what helps me stay grounded, find my confidence again and remember that I am simply and wonderfully human. Thank you. Truly.
I feel the beauty of Substack is that you are never late, but finding everything in your own time. You are simply and wonderfully human, we wouldn’t have you any other way. You are welcome, thank you for sharing your heart.