Anticipating the feeling of Fall

A reflection and experiences from Summer, what is to come, and a practice to help you tend to what is present in this season.

Each morning this Summer, I have been sitting outside with my cacao, reading words that inspire me, journaling a little, while taking in the sight of the trees lining our backyard.

This morning I stepped outside and I exhaled, it feels like Fall. I ran right back inside, told my husband “it feels like Fall outside, and I need to write about it,” grabbed my laptop and here I am.

I have a special love for Fall. I have a theory the season we are born in is the one that holds a special place in our heart. It is as if the time of year we emerge into this world is what feels the most like home. I have grown to appreciate the hot southern Summer more than ever before. And, when the first feeling of crisp air hits my skin, I am ready to move on.

Yet there are a few more weeks before the Fall equinox. There is still time before nature fully claims it has arrived in a new season. I notice this is the season change I seem to rush the most, constantly wishing it would arrive instead of letting myself settle into the last few weeks of Summer.

This Summer has been a life changing one. We moved house at the tail end of Spring and we have been settling in all season long. I found a new love for the heat and did not lock myself inside when the temperature went over 90 degrees, which was almost everyday. We made weekly beach trips a priority in our family, we all love the beach and this year my son has grown to love it more, begging to go to the “bee-sh” and play in the dirt (sand).

We attended baseball games. I have fallen in love with the sport immensely over the last two years. I was raised by a father with a strong love of sports, football and golf particularly, but neither clicked with me. When my husband suggested we watch baseball together, almost two years ago, neither of us thought it would lead to me being the bigger fan and demanding we watch as many games as possible (there is 162 games a season, it is a commitment).

We went to concerts in the park. I have less to say about this, but it was fun. My son loves music and it was his first time seeing live music with consciousness. We took him to a Trevor Hall concert, which he slept through, when he was 4 months old. Fun fact, the first time I saw Trevor Hall, unbeknown to me, I was pregnant with my son.

I have been spending a lot of time dreaming and I have decided I want to run my own business again - more on this soon. I have been dreaming and planning of how to serve the mother and connecting with my desire to hold space for others. I have been spending a lot of time writing in my journal about what is alive in my system and what it feels like to move through this Summer season.

Finally, my son decided he wanted to learn to go on the toilet and he goes to the bathroom all on his own during the day. He also decided he wanted to stop napping. I have been facing layers of grief because the transitions feel sudden. But if I am honest, the shock is more because I did not decide it was time to do these things, he told me he was ready.

This has brought up a lot of questions about how I mother and how I interact with my son. I have a strong desire to control things, make things work on my schedule and there is nothing harder to control then a toddler going to the bathroom. Or a toddler who refuses to eat, or a toddler who refuses to go outside (two other things happening often around here).

When I decide he must do these things on my terms and timeline, I am often left wondering what this communicates to my little human.

What if I let him tell me when he needs to go to the bathroom? What if I let him tell me when he needs a snack? What if I let him desire to be outside on his own?

What if I let the natural consequences of his choices (holding his pee, not eating, no fresh air) arise instead of trying to be the holder of it all?

What if I stop imposing myself on my child? What if I let him figure things out for himself?

How will he learn to deeply listen to his body when I am trying to run it on my schedule?

What energy will I get back when I let him be? What peace will arise in my heart when I step back and watch my child?

What if the intention of my mothering isn’t to know best or hold it all, but to hold space with an open heart? What if I focus on holding space for him to be himself without forcing my agenda?

What then?

Because the truth is I do not know best. I do not always know what he needs. I do not always understand what he is saying. I do not always know how handle what comes up between us.

What if I can admit mothering is quite a helpless act with a constant need for surrender than this idea of being all things and capable of solving all problems?

What if I listen? What if I hold space? What if I say yes when he asks me to play? What if I hold a boundary when it is needed? What if I let him be the wild, brave, beautiful boy he is?

Will I disappear? Will he not need me anymore? What will become of me? Who am I if I not in this perceived role of everything to my son?

Who will I become as he grows? I do not know. I do not know. I do not know.

I do not have answers to these questions but this exploration has been heavy on my heart the past few weeks. And to sum up those questions with one…

What if I let go and let him lead?

And this brings me back to my desire to rush Summer to be over. What if I let it be? Fall will come, it does each year. What if I focus my attention on being with this moment, being with what is here?

A practice for being with what is

Here is a short practice to be with what is. An opportunity to sit for a few minutes or lie down and notice what is here while I guide you. Then, I invite you to take a few minutes and journal on these questions.

What is needing my attention?

How can I practice being more in the present moment?

Where do I need to let go?

How can I practice letting go in this area?

Don’t get me wrong, I am deeply excited for Fall, and a new season and all the new adventures my family will go on and the way my service will deepen. It easy to be excited about what lies ahead, it takes more effort to stay with what is here.

The practice of being with what is or staying with what is alive in your body, your heart, and your life decreases overwhelm, defies the conditioning we need to be doing it all, and allows us to focus on what is most important.

As the seasons change, I often look at my priorities and values. I shared a practice in this post to help you do exactly that. I find each season change a beautiful opportunity to come back to what is important, to what matters most, to what is needing my attention right now.

Please, share with me in the comments what is alive for you as we head into Fall…soon.

Love,

Emma

In Fall, I will be opening submissions for the Unspoken Words and Motherhood Musing series. You can read more about the submission process here.

If you enjoyed the above practice and desire to dive deeper, I invite you to join the membership ($6 a month). This month’s guided journey is on self-stewardship. You will receive questions to guide your reflection and practices to support you in building a nourishing relationship with yourself.

Recent writings you might have missed…

• Crying over cloth diapers - thoughts and feelings on how motherhood continues to break my heart at each transition.

• August guided journey: self-compassion - a guided journey of how to offer yourself compassion in a moment of suffering.

• My own unspoken words - my version of the Unspoken Words series where I share what is hard for me to admit about this season of motherhood.

• Read the first Motherhood Musings Collection where mothers share the differences between their expectations and realities of motherhood.