Be kind to yourself

Volume 18 of Unspoken Words: Jenna Folarin

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

I have decided to hold this series in the Spring and Fall seasons, so I am publishing these last few posts and taking a break from collecting responses in the Summer.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.

I am excited to introduce

Jenna Folarin

, you can connect with her at the Motherhood Connection.

About Jenna

I’m Jenna and I’m a Mum of 3 - my kids are 9, 7 and 2. I live by the sea, near Cardiff in Wales, UK. I'm a Coach for Mums and I also host The Inspiring Mums Podcast. Over on my Substack, The Motherhood Connection, I write about how mums can make positive changes in their lives and treat themselves with more self-compassion, as well as how I fit coaching and writing alongside being a stay at home mum.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I find it hard to admit that I get angry as a mum. I've got better now as seeing my anger as overwhelm and realising that it's actually not about the kids, it's more about me feeling completely overstimulated and feeling like my brain is full, so I go into a more reactive state.

I find it especially hard as my mum was very angry growing up, there was lots of shouting and arguing, and I remember how awful that felt, so I wanted to be a calm, patient mum for my kids. But, the reality is most of the time I'm mothering 3 kids alone, I'm a stay at home mums and my husband works long hours. So, it can feel like a lot - especially during a solo bedtime.

My triggers for being angry are usually when I feel like no-one is listening to me or when we've got to be somewhere at a certain time and I'm worried we are going to be late. What I have got better at is bringing in self-compassion if I do get angry. I used to beat myself up and feel huge amounts of shame and guilt when I shouted at the kids, especially when my eldest two were young.

Now, I say to myself, look that was/is a hard situation, it's OK to find it hard, you are trying your best. Just some soothing words like this can really help me. I also apologise to my kids too if I get angry or shout and let them know it was about me, and not them.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I'm a naturally anxious person so when I can control things, that makes me feel safe I guess. Now, there's a lot of things I can't control in motherhood so I find that hard. One of those things I can't control is allergies - my eldest will be 10 in September and she wants more independence, which is natural at her age, but her life-threatening allergies mean that I struggle with giving her more independence and trusting anyone else with her care, apart from myself.

I know that I've made our world smaller in a lot of ways because of the allergies and I feel guilty because of that - so we don't really eat out at restaurants, we haven't been abroad with the kids, I still go to birthday parties with her, she will rarely have a playdate without me there. We can't be spontaneous and everything has to be planned and thought over and worst case scenario thought of. All of these things are to keep her safe, but that comes at a cost too. I hope that I can change my mindset on this in time but at the moment, the allergy side of things feels pretty all consuming. It's always at the forefront of my mind.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

I feel like my kids watch way too much TV and I feel guilty about that. I feel like I should be playing with them more, being creative or doing something exciting with them, but the reality is I've got so much to keep on top of in the house that I'm doing chores, or I'm exhausted and just can't muster up the energy to play or come up with a creative game.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

It's taught me that if I listen to my instinct I can't go far wrong. A lot of the reason that I struggled with my mental health when my eldest two kids were little (I had post-natal anxiety in 2017 just after my second child was born) was that I wasn't mothering my way. I was trying to do things that I thought I should be doing, but they just didn't feel right to me, and they also didn't work for my kids either.

So, as an example, my eldest never had set nap times or napped in her cot, she would only sleep in the pram. But because all my mum friends had babies that had set nap times and slept in their cots, I felt like I was doing something wrong, so I'd try and try to get her to sleep in her cot but it just got us both more stressed. When I kind of let go of the mum I thought I should be and started being the mum I wanted to be, that's when things started to feel easier. I've massively lowered my expectations of what I can achieve too - if all we've done in a day is just get through the day in one piece, then I'm OK with that!

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

Busy, noisy and chaotic but with so much love, fun and joyful moments too. My daughter is 9, my middle son is 7 and my youngest son has just turned 2. Obviously my eldest two kids are in school in the day so a lot of the time it's just me and my youngest together at home, so that does make having 3 kids easier. I love seeing the kids all bond and play together, especially seeing my eldest two with my youngest, it's really quite special watching them watching up grow up too and them being excited by his milestones too.

I feel like as my youngest is coming out of the baby stage now and more of a toddler, I'm finding things a little less all consuming. His sleeping has improved slightly too, so maybe that's why things are feeling easier because I'm not so sleep deprived.

I definitely feel more confident as a mum the third time around and confident that I can cope with whatever is thrown at me. I didn't have this confidence with my eldest two, so it's a nice feeling to have this self-belief and knowing that it's OK to do things my way.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

I'd say to try to be kind to yourself - if you are finding things hard, what soothing words do you wish someone would say to you - and try to say those back to yourself. Take time out for you to do something you enjoy everyday - even if it's lighting your favourite candle, reading a few pages of a book, putting on your favourite song - doing tiny moments of self-care throughout your day will help ease your stress. Don't wait until the end of the day to do something for you, find those tiny pockets of time in and amongst mothering.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

How hard sleep deprivation is and how it affects all areas of your life, but at the same time you can't really talk about it, you are just expected to get on with it. When you do talk about it, it ends up being a bit of a competition of who is more tired, or you get advice that you don't actually want. Sometimes you just want someone to say to you, god you must be shattered, are you OK, do you need any help?

Thank you Jenna for sharing your words with us.

I am working on this post after a hard night of sleep and Jenna’s words about sleep deprivation made me cry. I know things will change in time and I do not seek advice about it, because I do not want it, but damn I want to be seen in the experience I am having instead of shamed for my choices.

Thank you Jenna for sharing your experiences with us. Thank you touching on mental health and the desire to keep your daughter safe. For different reasons for each mother, the world can feel big and scary, and sometimes we have to make choices with that information in mind. Thank you again.

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Jenna sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.