I call it Love Grief. It does get a little easier—my oldest are 6 (twins) and little is 2. The deep joy I feel in watching them grow and expand meets and mends the sadness of what slips away. I realize a big part of this is the privilege of still being “in it.” In every cell I know that years from now I’d sell my pinky toe to be with them in these young years again, the laughter, the sweetness, the messiness. I remind myself all I can do is to en-JOY it in the moment so I can look back, and while I can’t time travel, or even hang on to every memory, I will know I did my best to love and cherish each moment. At the end of the day, too many parents do not get the privilege of watching their children grow old, and that’s what I remember too. It’s a privilege, this life, every single moment.
Well I’m crying. I love every bit of what you shared. It is such a privilege and it is the most important thing I will ever do with my life and it is utterly worth it, even when it hurts.
Oohhhh I was looking through baby photos the other day and crying my eyes out. They were so so tiny and I remember being so excited for their next milestone, but so sad that that would mean they were growing.
It’s such a strange thing, wanting time to speed up to the ‘easier’ phases, then wanting it to freeze or rewind back to the ‘easier’ phases.
I’m in a current battle with my 2.5 yr old, he wants to stay a baby most of the time, but I’m getting tired of him pretending to be helpless and putting on a baby voice when he is capable of speak quite well, but at the same time he’s my youngest and my last baby so I want to rock him and play along.
Yes! The excitement of them getting bigger. It is wild how fast they grow. I’m not sure I’ve ever had an easy phase 😂 it’s more like I get settled with whatever is happening with my son and then things shift and I am figuring life out all over again. But just as I readjust, he changes again.
I hear you in wanting to help your little one act their age and also recognizing it is your last and maybe wanting to hold onto them being small! Such a trip.
"Motherhood is the greatest softening." It absolutely is and it's also the greatest strengthening. Motherhood is a contradiction that makes perfect sense.
Beautiful share Emma, it’s so interesting to feel you and your grief through your words in my own heart and yet not relate much (I’ll get to that part), a testament to your brave and hearty writing.
When I say I don’t relate much, I haven’t missed any part (yet) of Gia growing up, I think I’ve grieved my ‘loss’ of freedom so much that as she gets older I can taste more and more freedom and my whole body enjoys every part of her growing and the delight each phase brings, without missing what has been.
Having said that, this week we navigated the first experience of ‘bullying’, I can’t believe I’m saying this of 3 year olds!
The whole event was shocking and it shook me and my partner, and I feel like I’m grieving the possible pain of the future.
I’ve since spoken to many parents and heard such awful stories about what their kids have been through, at highly regarded schools, in ‘spiritual’ communities.
So, this is how grief has been showing up for me lately in motherhood, in this wildly unexpected way.
I hear you on the grief showing up as a loss of freedom and I feel the pull of wanting my son to get older because I will gain some of my freedom back. We too have had instances of bullying lately and it is wild to me that it is happen when the kids are so little. It causes my heart a lot of grief, you are not alone.
This is so beautiful Emma 🤍 My heart feels your words so deeply. I too often wish I could go back and rewrite the first year to 18 months of my Mothering journey but maybe we wouldn’t be the Mothers we are today if we hadn’t walked those paths 💫
Grief for me at the moment shows up on how much I miss my son because I’m tending to our baby daughter so much. Thank you again for your words, your heart, your love xx
Thank you for sharing, because you are right, we wouldn’t be the mothers we are today if we had not walked the paths we walked. I hear you, juggling presence with two is hard. You are welcome, thanking for being here.
Oh this is just beautiful, and makes my heart ache too. Potty learning for us was a really big transition for us too, and I suspect it will be bigger with V knowing it’s the last time. Motherhood really is letting your heart break over and over and over again… it’s a series of goodbyes and hellos. Truly see you in all the paradox lovely one. Xxx
Thank you for saying potty learning (training is a weird word in this context). I hear you, my heart keeps breaking. I love the goodbyes and hellos, over and over again. Thank you for seeing me.
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. The word “transition” really grabbed me. In my IFS training this week we did a whole meditation around honoring transitions and it rocked me. Slowing down and feeling the whole thing. All the parts that come up. Like waiting on that jet bridge before the plane, really allowing myself to be there with all the feelings. I was sobbing to say the least.
It sounds like that meditation was impactful for you. I noticed I tend to speed up around transitions and want to move through to the other side. It has been a practice to be inside of the change and tend to the parts of myself that are feeling different emotions. Thank you for reading, I am excited if anything you learned in training comes to light in a piece of writing.
Oh Emma, this was beautiful and spoke to much of the feelings of mothering for me. A series of little (and not so little) griefs. My daughter is soon to embark on her school journey which feels like a huge letting go after all of these years of close attachment. My son, who is two, is resisting the potty for now (and I’m in no rush! You are so right about following their lead). Despite the intense lack of space for anything in this life chapter, my heart already breaks when I think about the day that they are not by my side all the time. At the same time, I remind myself that of course I want all these things for them and gripping too tight wouldn’t help anyone! It’s complicated! xx
I hear you when you say it is complicated, on the one hand we want the closeness as mothers and on the other hand it takes all of us, we crave space then feel sadness when we know this time will not last. Sending you love as you navigate this new transition with your daughter the waves of grief I am sure will follow. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences.
My daugher is same age, same stage - 2 years old and potty training this week. A line listing the griefs of motherhood came up as we were embarking on this transition and it has stuck with me... "That terrible moment when a mother is no longer the center of her daughter's world." It was smashed in amongst other griefs, but somehow that singular idea carved itself into my psyche. It is filled with a sense of dread, but it has also made this time so sweet... my realization that I am everything to her now... for a time. The knowledge that this time will pass is indeed terrible, and it makes it richer and more precious at the same time. Blessings to you in your own transitioning--painful and so beautiful.
Sounds like our kiddos are on the same wavelength. I hear you when you say that quote cut you, it is an intense feeling when we realize we may no longer be at the center and most likely never will be again. Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing, sending you love as you navigate this journey with your daughter.
Emma! You have spoke to me on so many levels and weirdly having a very similar week! There is nothing like a child taking themselves to the potty that makes you think wow that’s not a baby any more. My son decided last weekend he also didn’t want to wear his nappies and I too have been grappling with the Joy of not having to wash the things every other day (who knew it took so much time?!) and the grief of watching my littlest baby growing up and moving into the next stage. I feel like this at many stages but potty training I feel is the last big step from baby to child and it’s one I had a year more to prepare for last time!
Sounds like we are having a similar week, it is wild when they decide they are ready and no longer want to wear a diaper. Yes, the grief and joy seem to be forever mingling in motherhood. Sending you love as we make this transition, thank you for reading and sharing.
Been avoiding potty training my youngest, and it’s crossed my mind that I’m maybe subconsciously doing so because potty training this child means I may not be a mom of someone in diapers ever again👀😭
I feel this very deeply. When my daughter turned one I felt sad and happy all at once. I am hoping motherhood feels easeful soon as you mentioned. But not sure if that’s possible since they are always changing and there are always new challenges. Thank you for this!
It is always changing and evolving, ease is ever escaping me but there are moments of it sometimes, mixed in with the sadness and the joy. Thank you for reading.
So beautifully written…and I also feel all these feels! It’s funny just last night I was picking up after all the kiddos were in bed..and there was a cloth diaper cover on the ground. So many emotions hit me in that moment…using it on all 5 of my kiddos, the fact I don’t use them anymore, my youngest is 3 and I can’t bear to part with some of
The covers so the kids use them with their dolls…parenting is a large grief circle! Constant!
“I will welcome my own big tears and feelings to be able to hold my son’s big tears and feelings, to be able to mother him through the years, to guide and watch him grow as a human.” - such a perfect description of motherhood!
I call it Love Grief. It does get a little easier—my oldest are 6 (twins) and little is 2. The deep joy I feel in watching them grow and expand meets and mends the sadness of what slips away. I realize a big part of this is the privilege of still being “in it.” In every cell I know that years from now I’d sell my pinky toe to be with them in these young years again, the laughter, the sweetness, the messiness. I remind myself all I can do is to en-JOY it in the moment so I can look back, and while I can’t time travel, or even hang on to every memory, I will know I did my best to love and cherish each moment. At the end of the day, too many parents do not get the privilege of watching their children grow old, and that’s what I remember too. It’s a privilege, this life, every single moment.
Well I’m crying. I love every bit of what you shared. It is such a privilege and it is the most important thing I will ever do with my life and it is utterly worth it, even when it hurts.
Oohhhh I was looking through baby photos the other day and crying my eyes out. They were so so tiny and I remember being so excited for their next milestone, but so sad that that would mean they were growing.
It’s such a strange thing, wanting time to speed up to the ‘easier’ phases, then wanting it to freeze or rewind back to the ‘easier’ phases.
I’m in a current battle with my 2.5 yr old, he wants to stay a baby most of the time, but I’m getting tired of him pretending to be helpless and putting on a baby voice when he is capable of speak quite well, but at the same time he’s my youngest and my last baby so I want to rock him and play along.
Ahh motherhood is a trip!
Yes! The excitement of them getting bigger. It is wild how fast they grow. I’m not sure I’ve ever had an easy phase 😂 it’s more like I get settled with whatever is happening with my son and then things shift and I am figuring life out all over again. But just as I readjust, he changes again.
I hear you in wanting to help your little one act their age and also recognizing it is your last and maybe wanting to hold onto them being small! Such a trip.
"Motherhood is the greatest softening." It absolutely is and it's also the greatest strengthening. Motherhood is a contradiction that makes perfect sense.
YES! It is the greatest strengthening. Write that down because it is perfectly true…motherhood is a contradiction that makes perfect sense.
Beautiful share Emma, it’s so interesting to feel you and your grief through your words in my own heart and yet not relate much (I’ll get to that part), a testament to your brave and hearty writing.
When I say I don’t relate much, I haven’t missed any part (yet) of Gia growing up, I think I’ve grieved my ‘loss’ of freedom so much that as she gets older I can taste more and more freedom and my whole body enjoys every part of her growing and the delight each phase brings, without missing what has been.
Having said that, this week we navigated the first experience of ‘bullying’, I can’t believe I’m saying this of 3 year olds!
The whole event was shocking and it shook me and my partner, and I feel like I’m grieving the possible pain of the future.
I’ve since spoken to many parents and heard such awful stories about what their kids have been through, at highly regarded schools, in ‘spiritual’ communities.
So, this is how grief has been showing up for me lately in motherhood, in this wildly unexpected way.
I hear you on the grief showing up as a loss of freedom and I feel the pull of wanting my son to get older because I will gain some of my freedom back. We too have had instances of bullying lately and it is wild to me that it is happen when the kids are so little. It causes my heart a lot of grief, you are not alone.
This is so beautiful Emma 🤍 My heart feels your words so deeply. I too often wish I could go back and rewrite the first year to 18 months of my Mothering journey but maybe we wouldn’t be the Mothers we are today if we hadn’t walked those paths 💫
Grief for me at the moment shows up on how much I miss my son because I’m tending to our baby daughter so much. Thank you again for your words, your heart, your love xx
Thank you for sharing, because you are right, we wouldn’t be the mothers we are today if we had not walked the paths we walked. I hear you, juggling presence with two is hard. You are welcome, thanking for being here.
Oh this is just beautiful, and makes my heart ache too. Potty learning for us was a really big transition for us too, and I suspect it will be bigger with V knowing it’s the last time. Motherhood really is letting your heart break over and over and over again… it’s a series of goodbyes and hellos. Truly see you in all the paradox lovely one. Xxx
Thank you for saying potty learning (training is a weird word in this context). I hear you, my heart keeps breaking. I love the goodbyes and hellos, over and over again. Thank you for seeing me.
Goodbyes and hellos 🥺😭💔
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. The word “transition” really grabbed me. In my IFS training this week we did a whole meditation around honoring transitions and it rocked me. Slowing down and feeling the whole thing. All the parts that come up. Like waiting on that jet bridge before the plane, really allowing myself to be there with all the feelings. I was sobbing to say the least.
It sounds like that meditation was impactful for you. I noticed I tend to speed up around transitions and want to move through to the other side. It has been a practice to be inside of the change and tend to the parts of myself that are feeling different emotions. Thank you for reading, I am excited if anything you learned in training comes to light in a piece of writing.
Oh Emma, this was beautiful and spoke to much of the feelings of mothering for me. A series of little (and not so little) griefs. My daughter is soon to embark on her school journey which feels like a huge letting go after all of these years of close attachment. My son, who is two, is resisting the potty for now (and I’m in no rush! You are so right about following their lead). Despite the intense lack of space for anything in this life chapter, my heart already breaks when I think about the day that they are not by my side all the time. At the same time, I remind myself that of course I want all these things for them and gripping too tight wouldn’t help anyone! It’s complicated! xx
I hear you when you say it is complicated, on the one hand we want the closeness as mothers and on the other hand it takes all of us, we crave space then feel sadness when we know this time will not last. Sending you love as you navigate this new transition with your daughter the waves of grief I am sure will follow. Thank you for reading and sharing your own experiences.
My daugher is same age, same stage - 2 years old and potty training this week. A line listing the griefs of motherhood came up as we were embarking on this transition and it has stuck with me... "That terrible moment when a mother is no longer the center of her daughter's world." It was smashed in amongst other griefs, but somehow that singular idea carved itself into my psyche. It is filled with a sense of dread, but it has also made this time so sweet... my realization that I am everything to her now... for a time. The knowledge that this time will pass is indeed terrible, and it makes it richer and more precious at the same time. Blessings to you in your own transitioning--painful and so beautiful.
Sounds like our kiddos are on the same wavelength. I hear you when you say that quote cut you, it is an intense feeling when we realize we may no longer be at the center and most likely never will be again. Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing, sending you love as you navigate this journey with your daughter.
Emma! You have spoke to me on so many levels and weirdly having a very similar week! There is nothing like a child taking themselves to the potty that makes you think wow that’s not a baby any more. My son decided last weekend he also didn’t want to wear his nappies and I too have been grappling with the Joy of not having to wash the things every other day (who knew it took so much time?!) and the grief of watching my littlest baby growing up and moving into the next stage. I feel like this at many stages but potty training I feel is the last big step from baby to child and it’s one I had a year more to prepare for last time!
Sending love to you as we navigate this time! ❤️
Sounds like we are having a similar week, it is wild when they decide they are ready and no longer want to wear a diaper. Yes, the grief and joy seem to be forever mingling in motherhood. Sending you love as we make this transition, thank you for reading and sharing.
Been avoiding potty training my youngest, and it’s crossed my mind that I’m maybe subconsciously doing so because potty training this child means I may not be a mom of someone in diapers ever again👀😭
The subconscious is tricky! The grief is real.
I feel this very deeply. When my daughter turned one I felt sad and happy all at once. I am hoping motherhood feels easeful soon as you mentioned. But not sure if that’s possible since they are always changing and there are always new challenges. Thank you for this!
It is always changing and evolving, ease is ever escaping me but there are moments of it sometimes, mixed in with the sadness and the joy. Thank you for reading.
Yes I do have moments of ease too. That’s a good reminder!
I wonder if we will feel this way when we stop cleaning pee bed sheets?
Probably baby, probably!
So beautifully written…and I also feel all these feels! It’s funny just last night I was picking up after all the kiddos were in bed..and there was a cloth diaper cover on the ground. So many emotions hit me in that moment…using it on all 5 of my kiddos, the fact I don’t use them anymore, my youngest is 3 and I can’t bear to part with some of
The covers so the kids use them with their dolls…parenting is a large grief circle! Constant!
It sounds so emotional to find one on the ground even thought you know no one has been using them! The grief it is endless and continuous.
“I will welcome my own big tears and feelings to be able to hold my son’s big tears and feelings, to be able to mother him through the years, to guide and watch him grow as a human.” - such a perfect description of motherhood!
Thank you! It is a time full of big tears and feelings in toddlerhood and motherhood.