Defining the mental load

Motherhood Musings: Collection 2, Volume 1

Welcome to the first piece in this collection of Motherhood Musings, you can read the other collections here.

This piece will explore how we define the mental load and experience the mental load in our bodies and lives.

If you are new to Being in Motherhood, welcome. I’m Emma, a mother, writer, and artist. Through my writing, I explore nurturing a relationship with myself and the present moment as I navigate motherhood.

I have been putting off writing this post because the mental load is something that consumes me every day. Since learning I am autistic, I have been trying to release what is taxing me but there is so much of the mental load that feels unavoidable.

What is the mental load?

The mental load is all that needs to be done in life, for myself, my child, my partner, and to keep the house running. It also consists of the things I worry about that do not weigh as heavily on my partner - potential health concerns cause me a lot of anxiety, whether they are real or not.

Jasmine Bibb

defines the mental load as…

the weight one carries with their thoughts, emotions, on-going to do list and responsibilities that cannot be transferred to another. It reminds me of a load of laundry. The difference is, the mental load basket is a mix of whites, colors, delicates, etc.

I also tend to think of the mental load as backpack, something I am constantly carrying around that feels heavy but I cannot see it all the time.

Ellie Nova

shared what the mental load means to her…

It is essentially project management of family life! All the tasks and admin needed to do to keep the household running and the family thriving. Everything from household chores, DIY, paying bills, sorting out childcare and school, buying children's clothes and shoes, organising the social calendar, remembering friends and family birthdays, shopping, planning and cooking meals...

I feel like a project manager every day, trying to keep everything moving and going, making sure everything gets done and the house does not fall apart. There is so much I did not realize came with having a child and a household because it did not feel like a household until there was my son. There are many tasks and expectations I was not prepared for.

Lyndsay Kaldor

shares her definition…

My definition of the mental load is becoming clearer as I write this. I had thought of the mental load as being the overwhelming list of things to do, hold and be, that is often unfairly weighted on women/mothers. In my experience however, my husband and I both hold a lot within our separate mental loads, his is mainly concerned with stress of a high-pressured job and mine is the constant balance of my role as a mother alongside thoughts of my own career and creativity (and navigating the inner and outer perceptions around both of these things), within the context of being entirely consumed with the day-to-day of mothering. I am lucky that my mental load does not weigh heavily in terms of being made up of things that I dread or that make me feel stressed, but instead my normal existence means that I have 100,000 thoughts co-existing at the same time, but often without the time/space to act upon them. It can feel very full and overwhelming but I have become used to this way of being.

I appreciate how Lyndsay mention her husband carries his own mental load. I tend to get frustrated my husband does not carry more of the mental load (something we will explore more of in the second piece of this series). Then, I remember he is carrying the load of his work, its stress, and the responsibility of providing for us.

I also resonated with what Lyndsay said about her normal existence is 100,000 thoughts co-existing at the same time without time and space to act upon them. I feel this deeply, my mind is constantly moving faster than I can keep up with.

A photo by Lyndsay…”my desk or indeed my head”

What does the mental load feel like

It feels heavy, I feel my body is tense because of it. I feel uncomfortable and ungrounded. The biggest thing I notice are the swirling thoughts in my mind. I jump from this thought, to that one and from one task to another, sometimes without completing the first task I started. By the end of the day, I usually have a tension headache because I am trying to keep up with my thoughts and the idea that I need to take care of everything and accomplish it all in one day.

Jasmine shared her experience of how the mental load feels…

I wear my mental load in the middle of my forehead. It's tense and it almost feels as if I'm holding my breath at all times, not realizing I've been doing so, until a moment of peace washes over me. It feels like a permanent scowl, it might actually look like one too. Maybe that's what people call a resting "B" face? In addition to the scowl, it also feels lonely. Like no one else gets it, often times....I feel misunderstood.

Ellie wrote about how the mental load feels to her…

It is often overwhelming and stressful. Whenever I pause to notice what I'm feeling, I notice the tension in my body. I often approach tasks from a stressed/rushed place. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by how much there is to do that I get really angry at my husband. I know it's not his fault but it just feels like I have an impossible amount to do.

Finally, Lyndsay shared what she feels in her experiences…

To me, the mental load does not feel heavy but rather, overwhelming and can feel ungrounding and overstimulating. It means that I am in my head a lot of the time with my thoughts jostling for space whilst at the same time, my undivided attention being required by my children when I am with them. It feels more like brain fog than a heavy weight.

We all wrote slightly different things, and yet there is a similar theme of tension connected to how the mental load feels as we move about our days. I wish this was not true, and I am not sure there is a simple fix for the overwhelming tasks and needs in motherhood.

What does the mental load mean to you?

How do you feel it in your body?

How does it impact your day to day experiences?

Share with us in the comments.

Thank you to the women who contribute to this series. I am honored to hold space for your words and wisdoms. It is healing to write along side your experiences of motherhood.

I invite you to share this post with other mothers who may find healing in these words and experiences.