That is how it goes, isn't it? I have a moment to myself and all I see is what I can do around the house, instead of thinking about what I actually needed. You do you.
I felt this line so completely: "I thought I was frustrated because ‘self-care’ sounds like another thing to do. Something I needed to add to my list and check off because a mother needs to take care of her self." That's exactly my problem - it's an item to check off. People say to schedule it like a meeting with yourself, but it turns out I have enough meetings and don't want more. Self-care becomes a task!
I love that you want to feel alive and not just survive! I am in that phase of mothering too where I am getting back to my full alive self. I recently wrote a note on Substack about taking 5 minutes in the morning for myself. I hope I didn’t imply that’s all I do for myself all day. I definitely take more time for myself than that. It’s just that’s sometimes all the time I have in the mornings. Sometimes I have more though and I take longer.
Loved this Emma! And I so agree, 5 minutes is not all we need just so we can give to others. Making time to follow our soul yearnings is also so important 💛
I LOVE this: "...honoring, listening, and tending to ourselves as something that happens in many different sized moments through out the day."
I've never thought of it as 5 minutes is all we are worth, but can see how it could be interpreted that way. I've seen the opposite.
The most vehement rage I've ever received online is from desperate parents of neurodivergent kids reacting to my suggestion that we CAN do SOMETHING, no matter what our circumstances in the moment. We can take one slow exhale, call that self-care, self-honoring, self-tending, self-respect, survival strategy, whatever. They were saying it is impossible, and I was trying to show them that it is, in fact, possible. There's always something we can do, opening the door a tiny crack.
During times of extreme parenting, our habits will shift, but we don't have to throw up our hands and say, "There's NO TIME!" There is. But it requires a shift in perspective, like what you're sharing here.
Of course, if you CAN, you take the time you need to become whole again. But that requires a level of privilege we don't all have. Even if we're feeling totally broken and a hollow husk (like I did in that first few years), there are things to do that can patch us up.
Like you said, it's not always a matter of doing, but a gesture of self-respect:
"I am worthy."
Not because of something we've done, but because we are all inherently worthy of care.
I think the idea of 5 minutes is this:
Do SOMETHING. Micro-habits are meaningful and build on themselves. Don’t minimize any effort or gesture of self-care (or whatever you want to call it. YES, IT COUNTS! Everything counts!
And finally, "the only reason I was trying to pour into myself was to take care of my son. If I hear put your own oxygen mask on first one more time, I will scream." YES! And. That's the only way in for so many mothers who have been successfully socialized as helpers. Again, it's a wedge. It opens the door a crack, and then hopefully this new perspective floods in.
I’ve been bristling lately at the platitude “don’t forget to take time for yourself” — oh, we don’t “forget” lol I feel ALL of this post 🫶🏻
That statement falls in with it being just another task and thing to make sure we do along with the other million things we do in a day!
Emma, I've been writing words so similar to this for so very long and it's really affirming to see them coming from another mother. ❤️ This is great.
Thank you, I am glad you feel seen.
Thank you for this. I was about to use my "free time" to put washing away, but I'm going to watch netflix instead ✌🏻
That is how it goes, isn't it? I have a moment to myself and all I see is what I can do around the house, instead of thinking about what I actually needed. You do you.
Did I write this? 🤣 I loved this.
This is the best feedback I could ever receive because my favorite things to read are piece where I walk away feeling like I could have written it :)
I felt this line so completely: "I thought I was frustrated because ‘self-care’ sounds like another thing to do. Something I needed to add to my list and check off because a mother needs to take care of her self." That's exactly my problem - it's an item to check off. People say to schedule it like a meeting with yourself, but it turns out I have enough meetings and don't want more. Self-care becomes a task!
Once it becomes an item to check off, all the joy, pleasure and nourishment gets sucked out of the experience.
I LOVE checking things off! So it works well for me.
I love that you want to feel alive and not just survive! I am in that phase of mothering too where I am getting back to my full alive self. I recently wrote a note on Substack about taking 5 minutes in the morning for myself. I hope I didn’t imply that’s all I do for myself all day. I definitely take more time for myself than that. It’s just that’s sometimes all the time I have in the mornings. Sometimes I have more though and I take longer.
I actually wrote a follow up to this post, because as much as I want to feel alive, sometimes five minutes is all that is possible!
Loved this Emma! And I so agree, 5 minutes is not all we need just so we can give to others. Making time to follow our soul yearnings is also so important 💛
Thank you! Yes, the soul yearnings pull at us.
Invitation accepted!
I LOVE this: "...honoring, listening, and tending to ourselves as something that happens in many different sized moments through out the day."
I've never thought of it as 5 minutes is all we are worth, but can see how it could be interpreted that way. I've seen the opposite.
The most vehement rage I've ever received online is from desperate parents of neurodivergent kids reacting to my suggestion that we CAN do SOMETHING, no matter what our circumstances in the moment. We can take one slow exhale, call that self-care, self-honoring, self-tending, self-respect, survival strategy, whatever. They were saying it is impossible, and I was trying to show them that it is, in fact, possible. There's always something we can do, opening the door a tiny crack.
During times of extreme parenting, our habits will shift, but we don't have to throw up our hands and say, "There's NO TIME!" There is. But it requires a shift in perspective, like what you're sharing here.
Of course, if you CAN, you take the time you need to become whole again. But that requires a level of privilege we don't all have. Even if we're feeling totally broken and a hollow husk (like I did in that first few years), there are things to do that can patch us up.
Like you said, it's not always a matter of doing, but a gesture of self-respect:
"I am worthy."
Not because of something we've done, but because we are all inherently worthy of care.
I think the idea of 5 minutes is this:
Do SOMETHING. Micro-habits are meaningful and build on themselves. Don’t minimize any effort or gesture of self-care (or whatever you want to call it. YES, IT COUNTS! Everything counts!
And finally, "the only reason I was trying to pour into myself was to take care of my son. If I hear put your own oxygen mask on first one more time, I will scream." YES! And. That's the only way in for so many mothers who have been successfully socialized as helpers. Again, it's a wedge. It opens the door a crack, and then hopefully this new perspective floods in.
Thank you for writing this.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, I appreciate your perspective.
Yes, I feel all of this! 💜
Thank you!