Emma, thank you. This is one of the most honest pieces I’ve read. Your voice and inner wisdom Is so
strong. And I can relate to this so much 👉 ‘I want to be in my writing, not chasing down some line or feeling I had last week that I can barely get a taste of anymore. I want to be in my body as I write and I want to share myself with you, alongside my ideas around motherhood and being. I notice I have been editing myself out of my pieces (not this one, as I am rereading it, I am keeping a lot of me in here, even though it makes me cringe slightly).’ I stockpile. I write about how hard I am finding things then cringe at my self-indulgence. I have deleted Substack from my phone because I feel intimidated so shit, maybe I do have a core belief of not worthy-enough-ness. I have decided not to even try anymore. I can’t establish a disciplined writing habit with 2 young children. It’s too hard. Too frustrating. And then everything I would normally pour out into words, I stopped because it became too much about ‘but would this make a good newsletter?’ I’ve become crippled with self-doubt. So I’ve gone back into the shadows to focus on the basics ‘nutrition, sleep, being physically in the world’ But your words have really made me think, am I taking a needed break to relieve pressure on myself or am I self-preserving like I always have because I’m afraid??? What are my limiting core beliefs? How are they showing upon my life? Oh god, that feels to big to tackle right now and too big to tackle alone… but it definitely has to be faced! Xx
You are so welcome. I do not know what words are pouring out of you but I can guess it would make a GREAT newsletter. We need more honesty and reflection, we need less education and perfectionism, we need more space held to be with ourselves and ask these hard questions your asking. I am grateful you filled out the form, I am hoping the space I am planning to hold will help you create a bit of space to answer these questions in time!
Wow, Emma! I feel this so deeply. I also share the core belief that “I don’t matter,” and I find that as I consistently put my toddler’s needs first in my life, it feels like that message is being graven ever more deeply on my heart. Sometimes I am able to see it and breathe through it, sometimes I buck it and end up crying in my husband’s arms, but often it is quietly reaffirmed and we simply go about our days. Someday I will truly have to face it, but for today it is all I can do to schedule an occasional pedicure and get up extra early to write. Those things matter to me, and they make me think perhaps I might matter as well.
When I started my Substack (which I agree is difficult and terrifying because of the deadlines and timelines)… I took on, as a mantra, a few lines from a Mary Oliver poem which I have found very helpful:
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees through the desert, repenting. You ONLY have to let the soft, animal of your body love what it loves.”
Blessings to you, dear sister. Your words make a difference.
Thank you for kind words. I love, love, love that Mary Oliver quote, I too find when I do things that matter to me, I start to feel more and more like I matter.
I am so glad you wrote this Emma. I really needed to hear this today—literally wanted to delete my account this evening. I also like feeling your personality jump out from the screen, she is welcome in my inbox anytime! X
I share your core belief, but when I take my own needs, interests, cravings, and ideas seriously it feels really good. I'm doing my best to make that a new normal!
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this. This piece was way more fun for me to right, probably because I was really being myself and not editing out my personality.
Thank you for sharing this Emma. I’ve added that book to my wish list! It’s so helpful to identify our core belief and notice when it comes up so we can acknowledge it and witness it but not let it run the show. I identified mine a few years ago - it’s ‘there is something wrong with me.’ It has informed so much of my experience of motherhood… and so many other things. I think it would be really useful for me to reflect on how it is still affecting my actions today without me even noticing.
I also REALLY relate to your reflections on writing - I also have tons of ideas written but I end up just writing what feels alive for me in the moment.
You are so welcome! The more we bring the belief into the light, the less it impacts our actions without us knowing it. But it definitely takes time for its grip on us to shake loose. I have so many half written drafts I thought would be great, but they dry up, there’s something different about writing what is right here in front of me.
👏👏👏👏 sharing the thought process from wanting to quit substack and back- so so so so relatable. We rarely share this part of our thought spirals, but when we do speak them, we normalize it. Uhg, it gives me a sigh of relief. Loved this writing today, Emma, thank you for sharing your truth. My core belief is something like I'm bad or I'm not a good person or I'm dumb. Will think more on what my strategies are based on these beliefs. 💓💓
What a joy to get a comment from you! Thank you for being here. I find there’s a central one and it has a bunch of spokes coming out of it. I do not matter holds the center for me, but I’m not worthy, I’m not lovable, I’m not important, all the right back into the center.
“If there is somewhere I can practice not holding back, it is here, in my writing, with all of you.” 😭
Thank you for this truth, Emma. I skipped this post at first, trying to catch up on other posts. But I came back today. I needed it. I’m not sure if “I don’t matter” is a core belief of mine, but I’ve been running circles in it this week. A few things have popped up that make me believe it. But, you are right. In my writing, in myself, with others in safe spaces like these, I can choose to release it. To not hold anything back. Even the bruised parts.
I love the honesty in skipping this and coming back! I am glad it served you as you read it. I am finding it all to be worth exploring, even the bruised parts, because everyone has a few of those parts and like we feel less alone when we talk about motherhood, we all feel less alone when we name whatever it is we are struggling with.
My academic advisor/professor always told us to just be honest if we didn’t do the readings at the start of class. I never did then, but I’m humble enough now to admit it! 😁
I loved this piece, thank you! So much enjoyed reading it and it resonates very much which where I'm at at the moment. So thank you for sharing so vulnerably and daring to do things a different way, it was very inspiring to me.
I believe my core belief is that I'm not good enough, which has similar repercussions as the one you're describing, holding back, not trying, not sharing, etc. It comes and goes !
Emma, thank you. This is one of the most honest pieces I’ve read. Your voice and inner wisdom Is so
strong. And I can relate to this so much 👉 ‘I want to be in my writing, not chasing down some line or feeling I had last week that I can barely get a taste of anymore. I want to be in my body as I write and I want to share myself with you, alongside my ideas around motherhood and being. I notice I have been editing myself out of my pieces (not this one, as I am rereading it, I am keeping a lot of me in here, even though it makes me cringe slightly).’ I stockpile. I write about how hard I am finding things then cringe at my self-indulgence. I have deleted Substack from my phone because I feel intimidated so shit, maybe I do have a core belief of not worthy-enough-ness. I have decided not to even try anymore. I can’t establish a disciplined writing habit with 2 young children. It’s too hard. Too frustrating. And then everything I would normally pour out into words, I stopped because it became too much about ‘but would this make a good newsletter?’ I’ve become crippled with self-doubt. So I’ve gone back into the shadows to focus on the basics ‘nutrition, sleep, being physically in the world’ But your words have really made me think, am I taking a needed break to relieve pressure on myself or am I self-preserving like I always have because I’m afraid??? What are my limiting core beliefs? How are they showing upon my life? Oh god, that feels to big to tackle right now and too big to tackle alone… but it definitely has to be faced! Xx
You are so welcome. I do not know what words are pouring out of you but I can guess it would make a GREAT newsletter. We need more honesty and reflection, we need less education and perfectionism, we need more space held to be with ourselves and ask these hard questions your asking. I am grateful you filled out the form, I am hoping the space I am planning to hold will help you create a bit of space to answer these questions in time!
Wow, Emma! I feel this so deeply. I also share the core belief that “I don’t matter,” and I find that as I consistently put my toddler’s needs first in my life, it feels like that message is being graven ever more deeply on my heart. Sometimes I am able to see it and breathe through it, sometimes I buck it and end up crying in my husband’s arms, but often it is quietly reaffirmed and we simply go about our days. Someday I will truly have to face it, but for today it is all I can do to schedule an occasional pedicure and get up extra early to write. Those things matter to me, and they make me think perhaps I might matter as well.
When I started my Substack (which I agree is difficult and terrifying because of the deadlines and timelines)… I took on, as a mantra, a few lines from a Mary Oliver poem which I have found very helpful:
“You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees through the desert, repenting. You ONLY have to let the soft, animal of your body love what it loves.”
Blessings to you, dear sister. Your words make a difference.
Thank you for kind words. I love, love, love that Mary Oliver quote, I too find when I do things that matter to me, I start to feel more and more like I matter.
I am so glad you wrote this Emma. I really needed to hear this today—literally wanted to delete my account this evening. I also like feeling your personality jump out from the screen, she is welcome in my inbox anytime! X
Thank you, I am glad you needed this and I needed your reassurance.
I share your core belief, but when I take my own needs, interests, cravings, and ideas seriously it feels really good. I'm doing my best to make that a new normal!
It does feel really good when I remember and act from a place of mattering! I am glad I am not alone in this.
I like your writing better with more you in it. 😉 Just saying….
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this. This piece was way more fun for me to right, probably because I was really being myself and not editing out my personality.
Yay! Exciting new directions!
Thank you for sharing this Emma. I’ve added that book to my wish list! It’s so helpful to identify our core belief and notice when it comes up so we can acknowledge it and witness it but not let it run the show. I identified mine a few years ago - it’s ‘there is something wrong with me.’ It has informed so much of my experience of motherhood… and so many other things. I think it would be really useful for me to reflect on how it is still affecting my actions today without me even noticing.
I also REALLY relate to your reflections on writing - I also have tons of ideas written but I end up just writing what feels alive for me in the moment.
You are so welcome! The more we bring the belief into the light, the less it impacts our actions without us knowing it. But it definitely takes time for its grip on us to shake loose. I have so many half written drafts I thought would be great, but they dry up, there’s something different about writing what is right here in front of me.
👏👏👏👏 sharing the thought process from wanting to quit substack and back- so so so so relatable. We rarely share this part of our thought spirals, but when we do speak them, we normalize it. Uhg, it gives me a sigh of relief. Loved this writing today, Emma, thank you for sharing your truth. My core belief is something like I'm bad or I'm not a good person or I'm dumb. Will think more on what my strategies are based on these beliefs. 💓💓
What a joy to get a comment from you! Thank you for being here. I find there’s a central one and it has a bunch of spokes coming out of it. I do not matter holds the center for me, but I’m not worthy, I’m not lovable, I’m not important, all the right back into the center.
“If there is somewhere I can practice not holding back, it is here, in my writing, with all of you.” 😭
Thank you for this truth, Emma. I skipped this post at first, trying to catch up on other posts. But I came back today. I needed it. I’m not sure if “I don’t matter” is a core belief of mine, but I’ve been running circles in it this week. A few things have popped up that make me believe it. But, you are right. In my writing, in myself, with others in safe spaces like these, I can choose to release it. To not hold anything back. Even the bruised parts.
I love the honesty in skipping this and coming back! I am glad it served you as you read it. I am finding it all to be worth exploring, even the bruised parts, because everyone has a few of those parts and like we feel less alone when we talk about motherhood, we all feel less alone when we name whatever it is we are struggling with.
My academic advisor/professor always told us to just be honest if we didn’t do the readings at the start of class. I never did then, but I’m humble enough now to admit it! 😁
I love that this has woven it’s way into your adult life, it cracked me up :)
I loved this piece, thank you! So much enjoyed reading it and it resonates very much which where I'm at at the moment. So thank you for sharing so vulnerably and daring to do things a different way, it was very inspiring to me.
I believe my core belief is that I'm not good enough, which has similar repercussions as the one you're describing, holding back, not trying, not sharing, etc. It comes and goes !
Thank you for your kind words! Yes, I find myself feeling the not good enough feelings too, sometimes it all blends together.