So beautiful to be among all you wise and brave mothers.
I really do feel the ‘no time is me time anymore’
From the second Gia was born I haven’t switched off at all, even when she’s at daycare. I’m not sure if this is ‘normal’ but often it feels unfair af, my partner has no trouble switching off even as a hands on father.
I wonder if women are rewired for ‘always on’ once they become a mother 😫
THIS… oh my gosh this is one of the things I have struggled with so much. It literally alters your nervous system because you cannot ever be ‘ok’ for them. When I’m not there my phone is with me incase there is a call. At night even when they sleep a few metres away from me (if that) I am constantly aware of sounds and breathing… it’s so so much to hold and there is never a switch off.
Although… I have to say… the only times I’ve truly found myself ‘almost’ forgetting and just being ME is when I’ve gathered in circle with other women. I feel like I go into a vortex then. Xx
Mmmm yes there’s something in that, now you said it, I realise I’ve had this experience too. We step into a magic kind of space when we’re in circle, like a fierce great mother protection for us all 💚
Wow. As always, reading these incredibly honest experiences of other mothers is so powerful. It challenges my inner critic that so often says ‘it’s only you, only YOU find it this hard’ and yet that’s so clearly not true. Thank you all so much for sharing.
And thank you Emma for bringing together these words and sharing your own thoughts and experiences. I relate to what you say about your mother - how motherhood seemed to deepen her trauma and she hardened rather than softened. I wonder if the same thing happened to my mother. She had so much trauma and then had 3 kids in just over 3 years - my nervous system struggles with one child and I am sure that, like she did, I would yell a lot and be anxious and stressed and distant if I was in the same boat. I still hold both the understanding AND acknowledgement that her way of being caused me a lot of fear and pain as a kid.
May 29Liked by Lauren Barber, Marika Páez Wiesen, Ellie Nova, Sarina Zoe, Emma Del Rey
There are about a thousand things I love about this piece. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. The thing I am just beginning to see (10 years into mothering and past the early, existential pangs) is how these children call upon me to reparent myself. They exploded me open to see all the junk. So hard to deal with it when you are tired and on edge and almost at the point of despair. But the work of a lifetime…
I am starting to wonder if motherhood is more about us reparenting ourselves than it is about parenting out children. Obviously, we parent them but I find my little one is showing me WAY MORE about myself than I feel I am imparting anything on him.
Yeah, it is a hard balance but I have a lot more understanding for my mom now than before I became a mother and it’s also hard to accept because it hurt so much.
This is incredibly powerful and affirming to read. Thank you for weaving this wisdom together so beautifully Emma. Reading these words are painful and healing in equal measure, just like the experience they speak to. The shifts of motherhood continue to floor me, it is ever evolving and whilst I think I am finding my way into piecing myself together, I am forever changed, rewired, softer and stronger. There is certainly no ‘going back’ as society would have us believe. I loved the part about advice for other mothers, both the medicinal words and also the point you make that every experience is entirely individual (whilst being universal) and that only you will know when change is needed/possible. Love to you and all of the women who contributed xx
Thank you for this lovely comment Lyndsay. I find so much healing in writing these posts and weaving them together. Motherhood continues to shock me too, things are ever changing.
So beautiful to be among all you wise and brave mothers.
I really do feel the ‘no time is me time anymore’
From the second Gia was born I haven’t switched off at all, even when she’s at daycare. I’m not sure if this is ‘normal’ but often it feels unfair af, my partner has no trouble switching off even as a hands on father.
I wonder if women are rewired for ‘always on’ once they become a mother 😫
THIS… oh my gosh this is one of the things I have struggled with so much. It literally alters your nervous system because you cannot ever be ‘ok’ for them. When I’m not there my phone is with me incase there is a call. At night even when they sleep a few metres away from me (if that) I am constantly aware of sounds and breathing… it’s so so much to hold and there is never a switch off.
Although… I have to say… the only times I’ve truly found myself ‘almost’ forgetting and just being ME is when I’ve gathered in circle with other women. I feel like I go into a vortex then. Xx
Mmmm yes there’s something in that, now you said it, I realise I’ve had this experience too. We step into a magic kind of space when we’re in circle, like a fierce great mother protection for us all 💚
I really think it is our survival mechanisms that turn on once we become a mother...and there is no going back.
Wow. As always, reading these incredibly honest experiences of other mothers is so powerful. It challenges my inner critic that so often says ‘it’s only you, only YOU find it this hard’ and yet that’s so clearly not true. Thank you all so much for sharing.
And thank you Emma for bringing together these words and sharing your own thoughts and experiences. I relate to what you say about your mother - how motherhood seemed to deepen her trauma and she hardened rather than softened. I wonder if the same thing happened to my mother. She had so much trauma and then had 3 kids in just over 3 years - my nervous system struggles with one child and I am sure that, like she did, I would yell a lot and be anxious and stressed and distant if I was in the same boat. I still hold both the understanding AND acknowledgement that her way of being caused me a lot of fear and pain as a kid.
There are about a thousand things I love about this piece. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. The thing I am just beginning to see (10 years into mothering and past the early, existential pangs) is how these children call upon me to reparent myself. They exploded me open to see all the junk. So hard to deal with it when you are tired and on edge and almost at the point of despair. But the work of a lifetime…
I am starting to wonder if motherhood is more about us reparenting ourselves than it is about parenting out children. Obviously, we parent them but I find my little one is showing me WAY MORE about myself than I feel I am imparting anything on him.
I 100% agree with this. They teach me far more than I could ever teach them. X
Yeah, it is a hard balance but I have a lot more understanding for my mom now than before I became a mother and it’s also hard to accept because it hurt so much.
This is incredibly powerful and affirming to read. Thank you for weaving this wisdom together so beautifully Emma. Reading these words are painful and healing in equal measure, just like the experience they speak to. The shifts of motherhood continue to floor me, it is ever evolving and whilst I think I am finding my way into piecing myself together, I am forever changed, rewired, softer and stronger. There is certainly no ‘going back’ as society would have us believe. I loved the part about advice for other mothers, both the medicinal words and also the point you make that every experience is entirely individual (whilst being universal) and that only you will know when change is needed/possible. Love to you and all of the women who contributed xx
Thank you for this lovely comment Lyndsay. I find so much healing in writing these posts and weaving them together. Motherhood continues to shock me too, things are ever changing.
These words feel like a hug on a hard day. Thank you for this piece.
Thank you for reading and accepting the hug.