I just have to say @joanne Hughes that there is nothing inadequate about birthing 4 children, regardless of how much medical assistance was required or chosen. The act of growing a child (and multiples!) is hard enough as it is. You are no less strong, no less capable as a mother because of the precise method of delivery. You’ve been cheated of nothing, you get to be a mother every day and that matters most 🙂
Thank you Ashley. I certainly agree with you with all my rational brain, and growing the twins was the toughest physical thing I have ever done (including running the London Marathon on a stress-fractured femur!!). But emotionally I do still find it a tough one. I struggle with the stories of beautiful water births and relaxed delivery rooms and I think it's because my stories are full of interventions and stress and trauma.
I think giving birth is traumatic in general even if you have a good experience. It’s a massive transformational, emotional event that needs to be processed regardless. The pressure for it to happen a certain way doesn’t help. I birthed both my kids naturally with no medication or intervention and I had my own struggles with processing it all too. I did not have a relaxed delivery room, in fact I gave birth to my daughter in triage because the doctors didn’t believe me that I was ready to push 🤣
Oooh, “you need to become the parent each child needs you to be”…so true. (And often that’s different parents in the very same moment for different children! Argh!) and gosh yes you don’t feel whole unless they’re all with you. That part for me is so overwhelming. I need breaks and space so much but I also crave them in my arms constantly. Thank you. X
I can so relate to so much of what you say Jo - especially approaching motherhood as a job. And in some ways it's no wonder we do this because that might be our only reference point of how to achieve something. For me, approaching motherhood like this ended up with me having post-natal anxiety because of the crushing high expectations and constant comparison. It's only with my 3rd child that I've become a mum I'd say . I relate to that feeling of the kids getting older and the sweet spot before they are teenagers (my eldest two are 9 and 6). When they are not fighting between themselves, they are great company!
“I approached motherhood as a job and I intended to smash it. It took me a long time to realise that 'mother' was something I needed to become, not something I needed to do.”
Loved this quote. I think perhaps this is me sometimes trying to “do well” in this job as mother and thinking everything that goes wrong is failing at that.
I also I with you on kids being boring. Mine are toddlers (4,2) and they bore me, but I think it’s getting a little more interesting with the 4 year old but still I feel the long dull days or just that I want to be doing something else. I don’t think I have the right work/kids balance atm.
I’m so grateful for Joanna sharing a snippet of her story of medically-assisted birth. I can completely relate to feeling cheated/inadequate, and it’s so helpful to hear someone processing those feelings aloud. 🥰
I love the series you are doing! It is hard to talk about and extremely vulnerable. I finally told a friend in full detail last weekend and it shocked me.
That’s amazing that you were able to talk with a friend about it. I shared my trauma with a few friends on Monday, for the first time outside my inner, inner circle. I felt such a weight lifted off me, which was such a surprise as I had been so nervous to talk about the impact it’s had on me.
Thanks Holly, it's not something I'd considered writing about but it's an interesting idea. I've written about miscarriage, but I've avoided this maybe. Something that might benefit from some exploration maybe. Thanks for sharing your link, I'll have a read.
“You have much less influence on their behaviour, attitude and temperament than you might like to think.” Yes yes yes to this. This was such an amazing lesson that I learned and took so much weight off.
Emma! Thank you for sharing this. I had, in truth, forgotten that I'd written it so it's taken me by surprise to see it here tonight. How lovely to have the chance to read all these wonderful comments and connect with others who are walking similar paths. Thank you.
(Just fyi, you have tagged someone else in your post)
Oh gosh yes… I’ve recently admitted to myself how much I do not enjoy the baby years. It’s a slog and as you say Jo, the joyful moments don’t compensate for the rest of the mundaneness of it. I adore this series Emma and really can’t wait to read more. Xx
I found this really hard to admit until my kids got older and I started to enjoy them more. At first all I could feel was a slight panic / shame that I didn't really like being a mother. But once I did, I was able to recognise that I just didn't love that phase.
I just have to say @joanne Hughes that there is nothing inadequate about birthing 4 children, regardless of how much medical assistance was required or chosen. The act of growing a child (and multiples!) is hard enough as it is. You are no less strong, no less capable as a mother because of the precise method of delivery. You’ve been cheated of nothing, you get to be a mother every day and that matters most 🙂
I agree with this whole heartedly and I understand the weird shame that comes from having medical assistance.
Thank you Ashley. I certainly agree with you with all my rational brain, and growing the twins was the toughest physical thing I have ever done (including running the London Marathon on a stress-fractured femur!!). But emotionally I do still find it a tough one. I struggle with the stories of beautiful water births and relaxed delivery rooms and I think it's because my stories are full of interventions and stress and trauma.
I think giving birth is traumatic in general even if you have a good experience. It’s a massive transformational, emotional event that needs to be processed regardless. The pressure for it to happen a certain way doesn’t help. I birthed both my kids naturally with no medication or intervention and I had my own struggles with processing it all too. I did not have a relaxed delivery room, in fact I gave birth to my daughter in triage because the doctors didn’t believe me that I was ready to push 🤣
💯
Babies are heart-exploding wonderful and also aching bores. Feel this so much!!
So boring while melting your heart to pieces!
Oooh, “you need to become the parent each child needs you to be”…so true. (And often that’s different parents in the very same moment for different children! Argh!) and gosh yes you don’t feel whole unless they’re all with you. That part for me is so overwhelming. I need breaks and space so much but I also crave them in my arms constantly. Thank you. X
I can so relate to so much of what you say Jo - especially approaching motherhood as a job. And in some ways it's no wonder we do this because that might be our only reference point of how to achieve something. For me, approaching motherhood like this ended up with me having post-natal anxiety because of the crushing high expectations and constant comparison. It's only with my 3rd child that I've become a mum I'd say . I relate to that feeling of the kids getting older and the sweet spot before they are teenagers (my eldest two are 9 and 6). When they are not fighting between themselves, they are great company!
“I approached motherhood as a job and I intended to smash it. It took me a long time to realise that 'mother' was something I needed to become, not something I needed to do.”
Loved this quote. I think perhaps this is me sometimes trying to “do well” in this job as mother and thinking everything that goes wrong is failing at that.
I also I with you on kids being boring. Mine are toddlers (4,2) and they bore me, but I think it’s getting a little more interesting with the 4 year old but still I feel the long dull days or just that I want to be doing something else. I don’t think I have the right work/kids balance atm.
I’m so grateful for Joanna sharing a snippet of her story of medically-assisted birth. I can completely relate to feeling cheated/inadequate, and it’s so helpful to hear someone processing those feelings aloud. 🥰
It really is, we definitely don’t talk about it enough.
Maybe I’ll write about my birth story because it was wildly different than I thought it would be.
I hinted at mine in my most recent post... I wasn’t brave enough to tell the whole tale, or detail the trauma I went through, but it’s a start...
https://open.substack.com/pub/tellingtheirtales/p/short-story?r=1nbn9a&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I love the series you are doing! It is hard to talk about and extremely vulnerable. I finally told a friend in full detail last weekend and it shocked me.
I’m glad you’re enjoying it!
That’s amazing that you were able to talk with a friend about it. I shared my trauma with a few friends on Monday, for the first time outside my inner, inner circle. I felt such a weight lifted off me, which was such a surprise as I had been so nervous to talk about the impact it’s had on me.
Thanks Holly, it's not something I'd considered writing about but it's an interesting idea. I've written about miscarriage, but I've avoided this maybe. Something that might benefit from some exploration maybe. Thanks for sharing your link, I'll have a read.
Thank you for sharing, Jo!
“You have much less influence on their behaviour, attitude and temperament than you might like to think.” Yes yes yes to this. This was such an amazing lesson that I learned and took so much weight off.
Emma! Thank you for sharing this. I had, in truth, forgotten that I'd written it so it's taken me by surprise to see it here tonight. How lovely to have the chance to read all these wonderful comments and connect with others who are walking similar paths. Thank you.
(Just fyi, you have tagged someone else in your post)
I fixed the tag, sorry about that! You are so welcome, thank you for sharing.
Oh gosh yes… I’ve recently admitted to myself how much I do not enjoy the baby years. It’s a slog and as you say Jo, the joyful moments don’t compensate for the rest of the mundaneness of it. I adore this series Emma and really can’t wait to read more. Xx
You are so welcome! I am loving it too! ❤️
I found this really hard to admit until my kids got older and I started to enjoy them more. At first all I could feel was a slight panic / shame that I didn't really like being a mother. But once I did, I was able to recognise that I just didn't love that phase.