It gets easier

Volume 4 of Unspoken Words: Jo Hughes

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held here at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

If you want to read more from Being in Motherhood, I share about mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

I am excited to introduce

Jo Hughes

, you can connect with Jo here through her Substack. I am grateful to hear from a mother whose children are older than mine because it reminds me how much toddlerhood is a season and things will shift. You can listen to the audio of her responses below.

About Jo

I've been married 13 years and live with my husband and 4 children in Hertford, UK. I have an 11 year old daughter, an 8 year old son and identical twin boys who are 6. When my twins were born, my eldest wasn't quite 5 so mothering became all -consuming for me, for a time. It's been tough and beautiful. I have a lot of war stories, and battle wounds. But I feel now that I have emerged and we are living the golden years. I recently completed a MSc Genetic and Genomic Counselling, and have been writing for a few months.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I found the baby years really boring. I didn't 'cherish every moment' or revel in the connection with my tiny infants. The days were long and dull, and the moments of joy too fleeting and sporadic to compensate.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I approached motherhood as a job and I intended to smash it. It took me a long time to realise that 'mother' was something I needed to become, not something I needed to do. The years when I tried to perform as a mother were exhausting and bad for my mental health. These days, I feel able to just 'be' a mother and it's integrated as part of me.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

I didn't birth any of my children without medical assistance, and whilst I'm grateful it got them all here safely, it has also left me feeling a bit inadequate and cheated of that experience.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

You have to become the parent each child needs you to be, and let go of the idea of the parent you thought you would be.

You have much less influence on their behaviour, attitude and temperament than you might like to think.

Each child you grow is nurtured by a piece of your heart which they carry with them forever, and never again will you feel whole unless you have them all with you.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

It feels so precious. If I could freeze my kids in time right now, I would. They are no longer irrational toddlers and they have not yet become angsty teenagers. But I also feel sad that they are slipping through my fingers as they venture out into the world. I know I will yearn for these days when I can no longer tuck them all safely into their beds every night.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Get in touch with your intuition and allow it to guide you always. It does get easier. You don't have to 'enjoy every moment' to be a good mother. 'I'm proud of you' should have a full stop at the end, not 'because'.

Thank you Jo for sharing your words with us.

I am touched by your reminder that we have way less influence than we think over our child(ren). I remember thinking before I became a mother, I would be able to influence my son. Since the day he was born and each day since, he shows me exactly who he wants to be.

Then, I have a choice to support him and ride with who he is or fight against it. I am learning more and more to let him be himself, and I can be myself, and we can coexist together.

Jo, thank you for sharing with us!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Jo sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders. And I also invite you to share the google form with any mothers you know who may be interested in telling their stories.