Let's build a bigger basket, together

How tending to ourselves, understanding our window of tolerance, and breathing can shift how we be in motherhood.

Here is an audio recording of this piece if you rather listen.

What is exhaustion in motherhood about?

Capitalism. Patriarchy. Childcare is hard to access. The mental load women carry is greater. Just to name a few ideas.

We can talk about the systems holding us in exhaustion, the unfairness in load, the lack of childcare. These are real and extremely frustrating aspects of the society we live in.

We are told we have to work harder in this culture. As women, we are supposed to have it all and balance it all. We are not supposed to complain about how hard it is to have it all. In this push, some male partners have not picked up any extra work. Women work, women tend to their families, women carry the mental load, and if you are hanging out here, women are pursuing their creative desires.

And there is a crucial piece of information being left out of the conversation when it comes to exhaustion in motherhood.

We neglect the nervous system and how much space we are able to hold in our bodies.

There is a difference between regulation and space. There is an idea in pop-psychology and social media therapy that a regulated nervous system is the goal. But is it?

Our autonomic nervous system has two primary states - sympathetic and parasympathetic. Sympathetic nervous system is our fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses. Parasympathetic is our rest and digest response, or often referred to as feeling regulated, calm, grounded, etc.

A regulated parasympathetic state is what we are being told we need to have and what content around nervous system regulation is directed towards. It is a lofty goal.

It is not possible to be calm all the time (especially as a mother of a toddler or any age human) and sometimes trying to get to a regulated state misses the point of our human nature.

The idea of space is about being able to hold and be with sensations in our bodies. We need space in our bodies, we need to be able to navigate our window of tolerance and move through sensations that are present. Our window of tolerance is the space our nervous system holds before we move into dysregulation, or one of the well known sympathetic states.

This window is the space we are usually moving within throughout our day and it is where we meet our edges.

Space in our bodies is a more attainable and a navigable intention.

In my day to day, I focus on my window of tolerance, more than I focus on staying calm and regulated. When I feel sensation arise, I tend to it, I notice it, I ask it questions, I breathe into it. I tend to myself in a way that allows my body to move through what is present.

The space in our bodies - or the lack of it - is leading us to be exhausted…it is not the only thing but it is a piece of the puzzle we are often forgetting to consider.

A phrase I love and am borrowing from Pixie Lighthorse is building a bigger basket. This is the intention of healing, self-tending, therapy, or whatever avenue you choose for self-awareness…to make our baskets bigger. When we build a bigger basket, when we expand our window of tolerance, we can hold more experiences, more feelings, more sensations.

Motherhood and all the strains of the overculture (the culture we are all living under) shrink our basket. We have to build bigger baskets not only so we feel less tired, but so we feel. So, we are present in this experience, feel good, and our children see us alive and creative.

In the past year, by sheer need, I have been working to build a bigger basket. My small basket (or my window of tolerance) led me into deep, dark spirals of PTSD and rage. I did not have much capacity. Everything hurt, everything was too much, everything sent me into a rage…or so it felt.

It was no way to live, something had to change. I had to clear out trauma living in my body, I had to build a bigger basket. I practiced growing my window of tolerance and making space for more sensations.

All this healing, learning, and growing shifted my capacity and nothing outside of this has changed. I did have access to therapy and still do, but I would say that was a fraction of what caused the shift for me.

I do not have more childcare. I do not have less responsibility - I work from home and care for my child. I stopped graduate school, but then I started writing and that fills that time in a less stressful way. I tend to carry more of the mental load, at times. Culture tells me I have to work harder, but I work as much as I need to support my family, and then I try to rest. Or write, or read, or go outside, or choose something pleasurable and soul evoking.

I have been hesitant to write about this because I find we all want someone to blame. As mothers there are many directions we can point fingers. We should be mad about the strains of the overculture and find ways to face the systems.

And what can we control? How we react, how we tend to ourselves, how we make space for calm.

We can try and care for our nervous systems, not because we need to be calm, but because we need to be here, experiencing all of it.

So, here is my invitation to you, let’s build a bigger basket together.

Let’s focus our attention on what we can control. How we show up, how we move through our day, how we respond, how we take care of ourselves when we have those few minutes of space to do so.

Let’s release the idea that to be a good parent is to be a calm parent and turn our attention to building a bigger basket and expanding our window of tolerance.

I hope this space invites you to drop into yourself, I hope reading my words leaves you feeling a bit more in your body and in your experience than when you started.

Let’s practice together, take a deep breath in through your nose for four counts and slowly exhale through your mouth for seven counts. How did that feel?

This type of breath helps to activate our parasympathetic nervous system and allows us to start to slow down.

Slowing down is how we build a bigger basket. Breathing when we reach our edges is how we build a bigger basket. Taking time to remember we are not alone and exactly where we are is normal is how we build a bigger basket.

It is not done over-night, it may not even done in a month, it is going to take as long as our body needs and we may find other things along the way as we try to find more space inside ourselves. To grow this basket, you may have to clear some things out or repair a hurting piece of wood.

I do not know what it will be like for you to build a bigger basket, but I truly think this what we are here to do as mothers. We are trying to hold ourselves with care, we are trying to presence ourselves in the moment, we are trying to not just scream when we feel something but feel it fully, and we are trying to teach our children the same things.

It hurts me to see moms come down on themselves because they get angry or frustrated and they don’t know how to shift it. Finding ways to build a bigger basket and turning our attention to being in our bodies is a place to start.

What happens in our bodies before we yell?

What happens in our bodies after we yell?

What are the sensations occurring and how can we try to be with them instead of reacting from them?

I would love to talk about this more, if this lands with you, so please share with me your thoughts and feelings.

I welcome your insights in the comments…what does your basket feel like? How do you prioritize space inside of yourself? How have you grown your basket in the past? How do you want to grow your basket in the future?

Let’s not forget this important piece and work on building our baskets together.

Love,

Emma

Thank you for reading and if you are new here, welcome! I invite you to read this to learn more about this space and how to contribute. Here, I explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

If you know someone who is on the journey of motherhood and healing, I invite you to share this with them. It means so much to me when you share my words with someone you love.

Recent writings you might have missed…

• All the versions I was before - claiming my path as a writer

• Unspoken Words: Volume 10 & Volume 11 - sharing mothers experiences of what is hard for them in this season of motherhood.

• Have the strength to look - what I wish someone would have said to me before I became a mother.