Loved this way of thinking about it Emma. I have always hated the idea that we are meant to be regulated and calm ALL the time. But I like how you talk about just making more space for the emotions. And the things can be so simple. For me. It’s 5 minutes to sit down and drink a cup of tea. Also writing has been huge for me. If I can make the time to write it’s like therapy. I can move through the things building up in me and then create more space. Holding kids emotions as well as your own is huge. X
Writing is therapy, I agree! There are so many emotions to be held in a day and I trying to stay calm through all of it left me very burnout. I find life to be more easeful when I can turn to my child and say "Mama is feeling frustrated and I am going to go breathe." Instead of trying to get myself calmer and pretend I am not angry. There has to be space for healthy expression of anger, or else how will he learn how to express his?
I couldn't agree more with this Emma - love this analogy of building a bigger basket and creating more space. Making space for all of the emotions and honouring them. This week has been really busy with the kids because my husband has been leaving the house really early and working late, and it's the school holidays. I've felt overwhelmed and frustrated for most of the week. Today, as he's off work, I deliberately took the time this morning to do some creative work when I woke up, and I can't tell you what a difference this made to my mood this morning. I created that space to be me, just for 30 mins, before the chaos of the day started.
It wasn't until motherhood that I understand what a different 30 minutes, let alone 5 minutes, can make. There is something about that space to drop back into ourselves, our own space, alone, that is so replenishing.
I so agree Emma! It's amazing what a difference 5 mins can make here and there throughout the day, I find just doing something for me, no matter how small, like reading a few pages of a book, listening to an uplifting song or just taking a few breaths, it can all take the edge of the stresses of the day.
Absolutely Christianna, those mornings don't happen often, but when they do it makes a huge difference. What activities do you find nourishing to do in the morning when you have the time?
I try to read a poem or two, usually from Mary Oliver’s Devotions. Since she seemed to be a morning person, it’s just the thing to start my day! And, of course, I drink a cup of coffee. We make pour-overs, so making the coffee is a practice all its own and feels very grounding.
They sound like lovely ways to start your day. I'm new to poetry but must look up Mary Oliver. I had to look at what a pour-over was as I'm not a coffee drinker but it sounds like a lovely slow practice - just what you need in the morning.
Mary Oliver, especially for those who appreciate nature, is a great place to encounter poetry! She's very accessible while also providing the reader with some deep questions. Very grounding. And, a lot of coffee drinkers don't do pour-overs or know what they are! I just happen to be from a town where we are very intense about our coffee, haha. If you don't drink coffee, do you have any food/drink related morning practices?
I'm looking forward to reading her poetry now you've described her work like this - especially the grounding part. A big coffee community then! So, I don't drink caffeine at all just because I'm so sensitive to it, so I start the day with a roobios tea with soya milk. I love the taste of coffee so I do miss it!
This is so so beautifully written and shared, I love the way you have made it feel so clear and understandable. I hadn’t heard of that phrase… but the idea of building a bigger basket is lovely… and to me it has been a long and gradual journey… that I’m still very much on. I think when you become a Mother you are very quickly expected to carry way more in your basket than you did before and for me that has meant slowly weaving more space into my existing basket and making room to hold it all. It’s been a slow and painful process at times. I also totally agree that it’s not about being calm, it’s about healthily processing emotions and also modelling that for our little ones. The other morning I felt rage bubbling up after a very was early morning start and zero space for myself to land into the day and ended up playing a game with the girls where we all thumped our hands into pillows on the bed to let our anger out and within moments we were all laughing and it felt so liberating to not try and stuff it down with ‘calmness’… not showing the more activated emotions is simply another way of us keeping ourselves quiet and small and ‘palatable’ so I think learning to express it all in a way that does no harm to others (or ourselves) is so important.
Well… I could talk a lot about this so I won’t right an essay here but THANK YOU for a wonderful piece and such important reflections. Xxx
I welcome your essay!!! That is exactly what it is about, not shoving things down because that keeps us feeling small and palatable, which is not what I want for myself or for my child to see. If I let go of being calm and focus on being human, with real feelings, then when I feel angry, I can speak about it or do something about it or like you did with your girls involve them in it. I am a person who feels a lot of big feelings, and letting my son into that, instead of trying to hide it (which is impossible because their little bodies feel everything) has left me feeling more free and opened up a lot of conversations about what we do when we feel big feelings.
Hi Emma, I love the concept of the window of tolerance, and I use it in my practice with my clients/patients and myself. Motherhood can significantly narrow our window of tolerance due to its relentlessness, tiring, and stressful nature, so it is crucial to work on widening our window. As you mentioned, a simple breathing technique (done in the right way to activate the parasympathetic nervous system) can be calming and grounding.
Motherhood without a doubt shrunk my historically small window of tolerance, which is probably why I found it so essential to heal and work through a lot of things, because I did not have a lot of space to begin with!
Ah, the rage. It so often surfaces in my dreams and then makes me feel depleted wandering through the days. My work, no matter what I'm doing, is to "build a bigger basket." Thank you for sharing these words.
I don't necessarily think everything means something, in a dream. But they definitely have brought up layers I've buried, but only when I've been ready for them, oddly enough. I'd like to process and research this further, eventually.
Yeah, I try not to get lost in the weeds with thinking each thing means something. But I definitely see the layers brought up over time. Have you read Women Who Run With Wolves? It is about dreams per se but it touches a lot on how the different themes of being a women rise in our consciousness over time.
I’m smiling as I type this because I listened to your audio while on my yoga mat, stretching out my lower back and hips, mid bleed, before picking my daughter up. I literally felt like you were helping me build a bigger basket in those few minutes.
Your voice is soothing, it was awesome to listen to the animation of your voice!
This was brilliant and affirming, thank you Emma. You are so right, it is impossible to be calm all the time when mothering toddlers, in fact I read somewhere that it is more stressful than 95% (ish) of all jobs! As much as I aim for a calm state, we need the sympathetic nervous system to be poised to act. I often feel as if I am on alert for someone that needs me (so tuned in to a baby/toddler’s cry!), in high vigilance mode or preempting a possible accident! So it is really helpful to think about widening the basket instead, and especially collectively. Thank you for this prompt to think differently xx
I believe that statistic with every fiber of my being. Yes, we need the sympathetic nervous system to act and it is a task to know when we don’t need to act but stay grounded instead. You are so welcome.
Loved this way of thinking about it Emma. I have always hated the idea that we are meant to be regulated and calm ALL the time. But I like how you talk about just making more space for the emotions. And the things can be so simple. For me. It’s 5 minutes to sit down and drink a cup of tea. Also writing has been huge for me. If I can make the time to write it’s like therapy. I can move through the things building up in me and then create more space. Holding kids emotions as well as your own is huge. X
Writing is therapy, I agree! There are so many emotions to be held in a day and I trying to stay calm through all of it left me very burnout. I find life to be more easeful when I can turn to my child and say "Mama is feeling frustrated and I am going to go breathe." Instead of trying to get myself calmer and pretend I am not angry. There has to be space for healthy expression of anger, or else how will he learn how to express his?
I couldn't agree more with this Emma - love this analogy of building a bigger basket and creating more space. Making space for all of the emotions and honouring them. This week has been really busy with the kids because my husband has been leaving the house really early and working late, and it's the school holidays. I've felt overwhelmed and frustrated for most of the week. Today, as he's off work, I deliberately took the time this morning to do some creative work when I woke up, and I can't tell you what a difference this made to my mood this morning. I created that space to be me, just for 30 mins, before the chaos of the day started.
It wasn't until motherhood that I understand what a different 30 minutes, let alone 5 minutes, can make. There is something about that space to drop back into ourselves, our own space, alone, that is so replenishing.
I so agree Emma! It's amazing what a difference 5 mins can make here and there throughout the day, I find just doing something for me, no matter how small, like reading a few pages of a book, listening to an uplifting song or just taking a few breaths, it can all take the edge of the stresses of the day.
Love those morning, when I can get myself to them!
Absolutely Christianna, those mornings don't happen often, but when they do it makes a huge difference. What activities do you find nourishing to do in the morning when you have the time?
I try to read a poem or two, usually from Mary Oliver’s Devotions. Since she seemed to be a morning person, it’s just the thing to start my day! And, of course, I drink a cup of coffee. We make pour-overs, so making the coffee is a practice all its own and feels very grounding.
They sound like lovely ways to start your day. I'm new to poetry but must look up Mary Oliver. I had to look at what a pour-over was as I'm not a coffee drinker but it sounds like a lovely slow practice - just what you need in the morning.
Mary Oliver, especially for those who appreciate nature, is a great place to encounter poetry! She's very accessible while also providing the reader with some deep questions. Very grounding. And, a lot of coffee drinkers don't do pour-overs or know what they are! I just happen to be from a town where we are very intense about our coffee, haha. If you don't drink coffee, do you have any food/drink related morning practices?
I'm looking forward to reading her poetry now you've described her work like this - especially the grounding part. A big coffee community then! So, I don't drink caffeine at all just because I'm so sensitive to it, so I start the day with a roobios tea with soya milk. I love the taste of coffee so I do miss it!
This is so so beautifully written and shared, I love the way you have made it feel so clear and understandable. I hadn’t heard of that phrase… but the idea of building a bigger basket is lovely… and to me it has been a long and gradual journey… that I’m still very much on. I think when you become a Mother you are very quickly expected to carry way more in your basket than you did before and for me that has meant slowly weaving more space into my existing basket and making room to hold it all. It’s been a slow and painful process at times. I also totally agree that it’s not about being calm, it’s about healthily processing emotions and also modelling that for our little ones. The other morning I felt rage bubbling up after a very was early morning start and zero space for myself to land into the day and ended up playing a game with the girls where we all thumped our hands into pillows on the bed to let our anger out and within moments we were all laughing and it felt so liberating to not try and stuff it down with ‘calmness’… not showing the more activated emotions is simply another way of us keeping ourselves quiet and small and ‘palatable’ so I think learning to express it all in a way that does no harm to others (or ourselves) is so important.
Well… I could talk a lot about this so I won’t right an essay here but THANK YOU for a wonderful piece and such important reflections. Xxx
I welcome your essay!!! That is exactly what it is about, not shoving things down because that keeps us feeling small and palatable, which is not what I want for myself or for my child to see. If I let go of being calm and focus on being human, with real feelings, then when I feel angry, I can speak about it or do something about it or like you did with your girls involve them in it. I am a person who feels a lot of big feelings, and letting my son into that, instead of trying to hide it (which is impossible because their little bodies feel everything) has left me feeling more free and opened up a lot of conversations about what we do when we feel big feelings.
Hi Emma, I love the concept of the window of tolerance, and I use it in my practice with my clients/patients and myself. Motherhood can significantly narrow our window of tolerance due to its relentlessness, tiring, and stressful nature, so it is crucial to work on widening our window. As you mentioned, a simple breathing technique (done in the right way to activate the parasympathetic nervous system) can be calming and grounding.
Motherhood without a doubt shrunk my historically small window of tolerance, which is probably why I found it so essential to heal and work through a lot of things, because I did not have a lot of space to begin with!
Ah, the rage. It so often surfaces in my dreams and then makes me feel depleted wandering through the days. My work, no matter what I'm doing, is to "build a bigger basket." Thank you for sharing these words.
It is so interesting how clear things can come through in our dreams. You are so welcome, thank you for being here.
I don't necessarily think everything means something, in a dream. But they definitely have brought up layers I've buried, but only when I've been ready for them, oddly enough. I'd like to process and research this further, eventually.
Yeah, I try not to get lost in the weeds with thinking each thing means something. But I definitely see the layers brought up over time. Have you read Women Who Run With Wolves? It is about dreams per se but it touches a lot on how the different themes of being a women rise in our consciousness over time.
Oh, sounds interesting! I will add it to the list!
I’m smiling as I type this because I listened to your audio while on my yoga mat, stretching out my lower back and hips, mid bleed, before picking my daughter up. I literally felt like you were helping me build a bigger basket in those few minutes.
Your voice is soothing, it was awesome to listen to the animation of your voice!
Thank you for sharing all of this, it truly warms my heart and feel a lot more confident in recording my voice.
This was brilliant and affirming, thank you Emma. You are so right, it is impossible to be calm all the time when mothering toddlers, in fact I read somewhere that it is more stressful than 95% (ish) of all jobs! As much as I aim for a calm state, we need the sympathetic nervous system to be poised to act. I often feel as if I am on alert for someone that needs me (so tuned in to a baby/toddler’s cry!), in high vigilance mode or preempting a possible accident! So it is really helpful to think about widening the basket instead, and especially collectively. Thank you for this prompt to think differently xx
I believe that statistic with every fiber of my being. Yes, we need the sympathetic nervous system to act and it is a task to know when we don’t need to act but stay grounded instead. You are so welcome.