Emma this is such a brave post to write, I felt every word. Talking about anger as mums brings up so much shame, we don't allow ourselves to be humans who have emotions, instead we are supposed to draw on this never-ending well of patience...it's just not realistic. The other day I tried to actively not react and that felt like literally swallowing my feelings and that didn't feel good at all. The only way I can be less angry is to go slower and take more time out for me, and when I do get angry, taking away the shame and bribging in compassion. But it is not easy, at all. Thank you for shining a light on this topic ❤️ xx
It is so not realistic to draw on that never-ending well of patience, especially because I am not sure it exists. I seem to have a very finite about of patience, somedays more than others. The swallowing of feelings in the name of not reacting doesn't sit well with me, I have tried it many times but I am not sure it is whats best. I usually end up more angry and what does it communicate to my kid about what to do with his feelings? Thank you for sharing your perspective!
I don't think it exists either, I think it's another thing that is fed to us by society, of this idealised view of the perfect mum. Yes, my patience ebbs and flows too, it is very much aligned as to where I am in my cycle. That's it, ending up more angry because we are trying to hide our true feelings. X
Yes, it definitely connects into my cycle as it ebbs and flows, I try to let it be what it is and take the best care of myself as I can, and communicate it out to my people what I am feeling. Sadly, yes trying to not feel angry only leads me to more anger.
Ahhh Emma… I’ve been saving this post to read when I had space and now is that perfect moment. I feel it all… the mirror of these beings is excruciating to look at in these moments. Anger and Rage is something I never fully experienced before motherhood but it was like becoming a Mum peeled a lid off a can and it all just started pouring out. Both of my girls express anger so so viscerally… sometimes I have to hold myself so tightly because it feels scary to see them express it so purely… scary to the parts of me that for decades didn’t know how to express it for myself. I feel their anger vibrate through my body… and not in a pleasant way. Every time I say the words ‘it’s ok to be angry’ to my daughter I’m really saying them to myself. Every time I’m holding the boundary and on the end of their frustration and I say ‘it’s ok to be frustrated’ I am really saying them to myself. I try and show them ways to harness that emotion but again… I’m really teaching myself.
It’s hard AF!!! And I never expected it.
Such an honest and raw piece but so grateful for you being so truthful. I’ve had a piece sitting in my drafts for months which I haven’t been able to piece together… because it’s a deep place to go. Honouring you for going there and sharing with us. Xx
I already have a second piece brewing because it so deep and there is so much too it. Thank you for saving this when you had space, I am glad to know I am not the only one who does this! Thank you for sharing your experiences, I am right there with you. Motherhood is forcing to me to be in relationship with my anger and rage, instead of hide from it which is how I used to handle it.
And actually I think when harnessed effectively anger and rage is an incredible catalyst for transformation. It’s just we have sooooo much deep unraveling to do around it’s ‘ugliness’ xxx
YES!!!! Out of anger today birthed a writing about how we keep our vitality stifled when we just brush by our anger or try to bury it. And that the reasons we move by it quickly is because it is ugly and as women, we are told we are not supposed to be angry.
THIS!!! We must stay small and quiet and ‘good girls’ don’t get angry! 🤢 Think this is huge when raising the girls for me because I desperately don’t want them to dim their light but also it feels verging on ‘dangerous’ for them to be fully expressed in anger! Such a physical sensation.
YUP! It is gross. It is huge, because we want women and girls to be able to feel their anger and express themselves through all emotions, but how, when it isn't accepted and could open them up to 'danger.'
This is such a powerful and beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing. We have to accept that anger is a normal emotion and that kids are utter pains in the arse sometimes, of course we will get angry. Sometimes we can respond, but often we will react. That's OK. Our children will see that it's OK to be angry and learn how to repair it afterwards when we say sorry. They will know that a relationship can survive a moment of anger, that someone being cross with you does not mean they don't love you. I'm so sorry for the pain you experienced with your own mother, but I am so sure that your son will never feel that way because you are so deeply committed to showing him that he's loved. You can be angry with him sometimes, but he knows the love is still there. I spoke to my own mother this morning about the challenges I'm having navigating my daughter's neurodivergence. I said, "I wish I could be calm with her like you were with me." She said, "I lost my temper plenty of times, don't you remember?" No, I don't. She did get angry, apparently, but I retain none of that because she showed such love and support around it. We're allowed to mess up sometimes, it's not permanent.
Wow, those were words I needed to hear. Because of my experiences, I assume I am harming my child with my anger, even though I handle it wildly different than my mother did. I apologize, I talk to him about how I am working with it, and it doesn't seem to be that much of a big deal to him when it happens. I've been worrying that maybe he's psychopath and not afraid of anything, or maybe he's just loved and feels safe. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Oh my gosh Emma I relate to EVERY WORD. 'I learned to adapt and I kept a long list of things not to do to make mom mad, but new things were often needing to be added.' - same. And I am exactly the same - the explosive anger from my mother (and father) that terrified me as a child and made me feel so much guilt and shame - I so did not want to inflict that upon my child. And yet, same as you, it comes up and I also hear my mother's voice, and actions, moving my mouth and body. And I'm horrified. Like you - I try to bring myself compassion and grace. And I almost always apologise to River after I've yelled.
It's so humbling too I find - before becoming a parent I judged other parents, and my own parents, SO harshly for not being able to control their anger. And now I'm in it and I GET IT. I understand why my parents, with trauma I don't think they ever really addressed, no family support, and three kids born in just over three years, lost their shit all the time. I wish they had apologised to us, or explained WHY they were angry - because of course I blamed myself for being a horrible child and seeming to make my parents so unhappy. It grew into this terrible sense of shame that there was something really defective and wrong with me. So I think the anger is so OK and so normal, but the apologising is key, and explaining why we're angry... That's what I try to do anyway.
Thank you as always for sharing your experience so honestly xxx
I am glad (and not glad) it resonated. It was not an easy experience for me growing up, and I can only assume it was not for you. I judged so much around anger, my mother's, other parents but lately, I have been turning to my husband a lot and saying I get it. I get the anger, I get how hard it is to hold space for a small person when you are having your own experience. It also the insane things that make my kid upset (and probably all toddlers), he cried this morning because he found the cupcake wrappers in the pantry and there was no cupcakes in them. He only cried harder when I failed to produce cupcakes upon his request...maddening! The apologizing is key, and communicating around it. My parent's would just yell and that would be it, no apologies or explanations, and if there was any communication it was to put the blame me, as in you shouldn't have done that thing that made me so angry. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this, it always helps to hear I am not alone and we are not alone.
I massively relate to your comment Ellie ❤️, my mum was very angry when I was growing up and I vowed never to be like that, but here I am too shouting and saying things that my mum would say. Like you say the difference is that we apologise and bring in compassion. But it's hard to grapple with that feeling of doing the thing that you didn't want to do.
I understand what you’re going through- motherhood is definitely the toughest job I’ve ever had, harder than working the overnight shift in TV news. We do not have enough support for parents in the US- no one can keep their cool for 16 hr days (how long my kids are awake... or longer!) hang in there; you’re doing an amazing job. It’s all the harder when we were not modeled loving patience growing up- I’m in the same boat! Thank u for sharing ❤️
Thank you for sharing this Emma, I felt the feelings so deeply and I see the little girl in you, sending you/her so much love.
I never experienced anger to the extent I know now until motherhood. At the same time, I have also never felt any of my emotions so deeply, it is though everything has been opened up. In fact I remember the first time I felt it rise up in myself with my daughter (and actually that time felt like a release I needed).
Now it is far more frequent than I ever expected and seems to have doubled with two as there is double the mirroring and often I feel as though the two can become allies when they sense me struggling which feels hard (and brings up a lot of feelings). Also the anger seems to come in phases, which must be tied to when I am feeling generally overwhelmed etc.
On a recent trip there was so much intensity and although at times my children were extremely challenging, I think actually it came from me perceiving their behaviour to be ‘too much’ in the confines of my parents’ home (which although has always been filled with love, is where quiet, ‘good girl’ behaviour was instilled in me (working through this daily!) as a child and I was seeing the opposite play out with my own children, rather than them doing anything out of the ordinary most of the time.
However, not having my voice valued or listened to, in fact totally disregarded repeatedly when they are in a certain mode is difficult and triggering and I think fairly understandable. So as much as we apologise, repair and heal with our little ones (which is something I always do but apparently would never apologise as a child, I wonder if that was because I didn’t ever see it modelled?!), I hope we can learn to do the same with ourselves too xx
Motherhood opens up all the emotions as well. I love all your reflections. I notice the good girl in me too rising up when my son is usually being himself and not harming anyone at all. It is hard to face our conditioning, it feels very vulnerable. I didn’t know how to apologize until I was an adult, I want shown it at all as a child.
Thank you so much for sharing this, we need to talk about Mum rage more. I have 2 boys, 3 and 1, lately I can't seem to stop yelling! I feel really bad about it, my 3 year old is starting to shout at me to not shout 🙈 I'm a yoga teacher so I have plenty of tools in my head to bring calm, but with both boys, parenting solo, bad night sleep most nights, I yell, I am angry and this has helped me recognise that I'm not making space or allowing myself to be angry. I'm trying to surpress it, resulting in me shouting at them 🙈 we can only do our best, we're not alone ❤️
My husband and I were talking about capacity and how that often get overlooked in the equation of anger. If I am overstimulated, tired, and my capacity to hold myself and my kid is quite small. And usually multiple things are conspiring to keep it that way, I find teething, bad sleep, and all the things happen at the same time. All this to say, there is so much to it AND even when we have all the tools, it can be hard to choose them or have any dang space to choose them. You are allowed to be angry, and I find when I allow myself to be angry, I am yelling less at my kid and more just into the general space. Is that better? Not sure, but its my best right now.
This speaks to me on so many levels. My *advice* if you so choose is to get some ancestral trauma healing, whether through constellation therapy or hypnosis or a good therapist… I am 100% here with you. My kids are now 4 & 6 and my anger has calmed significantly, but by no means is it gone. A recent Perimenopause diagnosis helped me feel.validated, but never an excuse. I have fears of how much I’ve fucked up my daughter in her earliest years because of my absolute R A G E but choose to trust that I’ve done a good job making sure she knows it was never her fault. It breaks my heart when I think of little her and at the same time, I remind myself that this is her journey too. There are gifts in the healing she will hopefully one day experience
Yes. There is a huge difference between anger and rage. Anger is usually a response to a boundary violation and/or something frustrating to us. Where rage has its roots in trauma and emerges from deeper wounds we may have experiences. I hear you, therapy immensely helped me work with my rage, and I worry about the implications of that first year with my son when I had no handle on it, and while it was never directed at him, it flooded the air of our home. My anger however comes and goes, I find it is usually a reasonable response to whatever is in front of me.
Thank you for your honesty on a topic that feels taboo, especially as women, as mothers. Your thought progression (as always) felt so true and accessible, as in I too could implement the thought-process you’re building. Especially the part about your own mother. While I do not share your particular experience, I’ve recently worked through a similar situation in giving grace and compassion to someone who hurt me emotionally. It’s difficult work, forgiveness. But so healing. So full-circle. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, I needed to read this. I sometimes worry my thought process is too all over the place or too personal to be impactful, so hearing it resonates and support means a lot to me. It is such difficult work, thank you for seeing me and sharing here.
You are not alone in finding toddlers maddening! They are absolutely wild! I look at this 2.5 yr old boy of mine and think back to when he was such a chilled baby, I could not imagine a tantrum coming from him. How wrong I was! It’s beautiful to see their strong will and personality, incredible to see the way the explore the word AND so fucking hard to parent!! Toddlers are physically and emotionally exhausting, and look at you! Dealing with that all day and going through your own personal journey of transformation and realisations. Give yourself grace for how much you have to carry. 💛
Thank you, thank you for seeing me. It is so hard. And it is so true, I never could have imagine my little baby being this wild, but I remind myself his ability to toddler so hard (aka develop as he needs) is because he feels safe and held.
Oh Emma! There is so much in here that spoke to me (and I am so so sorry to read of your experience with your own mother). We’ve spoken before about that anger that rises in an almost instinctive, animal-like way when our toddlers seem to push all of our buttons with remarkable precision… and it is so hard not to react. But you’re right: they are just being toddlers. There are so many reasons why things are hard for them in this season. And it’s hard for us too. My gosh, is it hard! Particularly that sense of mum guilt: ‘I shouldn’t feel this way… I shouldn’t react like this… I shouldn’t…’ Thank you for opening up this conversation: I am sure there will be many (like me) who have been blessed by your vulnerability ✨
Yes, the mom guilt is so hard. I find it makes it harder, so I am trying to focus more on it being normal for my anger to be there instead of trying to make it go away. Holly, you say the kindest things to me, thank you for being in this space.
I feel all of this! Thank you for writing this and sharing it. Yes, yes, yes. The distinction you made between feeling anger and blaming the child for it is such a helpful reminder for me. I am parenting a two year old as well and it is truly maddening so often. Thanks again for sharing this!
I so feel you in the often despair at being angry, and self-shaming.
Lately I’ve been less angry because I’ve been sleeping better, and 4 weeks with my family reminded me (cos I need to be reminded a lot!) that it’s not natural for me to be everything to my child and all-available for her, and neither is it natural or reasonable for her to have only one or two adults available for her, she needs many more people around, as do I.
My anger has of course been so layered, many origins behind it, but most often I’ve found it’s the simmering resentment of ‘I shouldn’t have to be her one and only’ which eventually boils over, because, yes I am and most of us are living unnaturally over-available and therefore under-nourished. X
Yeah, I tried to night wean a few months ago and it did not go well, now I am thinking it may time to try again because the lack of me sleeping plus my son toddlering is making all my emotions more intense.
It is hard to remember we are not meant to do this alone, every time we are around family and my son runs off and plays with his grandmother, and isn't concerned about me at all. I am reminded of that, it is good for them to experience other people and we need it too for our sanity.
I sharing that simmering resentment...because I am often wishing there is someone else who could step in and help because it is exhausting to be the one who is always facing everything.
Emma this is such a brave post to write, I felt every word. Talking about anger as mums brings up so much shame, we don't allow ourselves to be humans who have emotions, instead we are supposed to draw on this never-ending well of patience...it's just not realistic. The other day I tried to actively not react and that felt like literally swallowing my feelings and that didn't feel good at all. The only way I can be less angry is to go slower and take more time out for me, and when I do get angry, taking away the shame and bribging in compassion. But it is not easy, at all. Thank you for shining a light on this topic ❤️ xx
It is so not realistic to draw on that never-ending well of patience, especially because I am not sure it exists. I seem to have a very finite about of patience, somedays more than others. The swallowing of feelings in the name of not reacting doesn't sit well with me, I have tried it many times but I am not sure it is whats best. I usually end up more angry and what does it communicate to my kid about what to do with his feelings? Thank you for sharing your perspective!
I don't think it exists either, I think it's another thing that is fed to us by society, of this idealised view of the perfect mum. Yes, my patience ebbs and flows too, it is very much aligned as to where I am in my cycle. That's it, ending up more angry because we are trying to hide our true feelings. X
Yes, it definitely connects into my cycle as it ebbs and flows, I try to let it be what it is and take the best care of myself as I can, and communicate it out to my people what I am feeling. Sadly, yes trying to not feel angry only leads me to more anger.
Ahhh Emma… I’ve been saving this post to read when I had space and now is that perfect moment. I feel it all… the mirror of these beings is excruciating to look at in these moments. Anger and Rage is something I never fully experienced before motherhood but it was like becoming a Mum peeled a lid off a can and it all just started pouring out. Both of my girls express anger so so viscerally… sometimes I have to hold myself so tightly because it feels scary to see them express it so purely… scary to the parts of me that for decades didn’t know how to express it for myself. I feel their anger vibrate through my body… and not in a pleasant way. Every time I say the words ‘it’s ok to be angry’ to my daughter I’m really saying them to myself. Every time I’m holding the boundary and on the end of their frustration and I say ‘it’s ok to be frustrated’ I am really saying them to myself. I try and show them ways to harness that emotion but again… I’m really teaching myself.
It’s hard AF!!! And I never expected it.
Such an honest and raw piece but so grateful for you being so truthful. I’ve had a piece sitting in my drafts for months which I haven’t been able to piece together… because it’s a deep place to go. Honouring you for going there and sharing with us. Xx
I already have a second piece brewing because it so deep and there is so much too it. Thank you for saving this when you had space, I am glad to know I am not the only one who does this! Thank you for sharing your experiences, I am right there with you. Motherhood is forcing to me to be in relationship with my anger and rage, instead of hide from it which is how I used to handle it.
And actually I think when harnessed effectively anger and rage is an incredible catalyst for transformation. It’s just we have sooooo much deep unraveling to do around it’s ‘ugliness’ xxx
YES!!!! Out of anger today birthed a writing about how we keep our vitality stifled when we just brush by our anger or try to bury it. And that the reasons we move by it quickly is because it is ugly and as women, we are told we are not supposed to be angry.
THIS!!! We must stay small and quiet and ‘good girls’ don’t get angry! 🤢 Think this is huge when raising the girls for me because I desperately don’t want them to dim their light but also it feels verging on ‘dangerous’ for them to be fully expressed in anger! Such a physical sensation.
YUP! It is gross. It is huge, because we want women and girls to be able to feel their anger and express themselves through all emotions, but how, when it isn't accepted and could open them up to 'danger.'
All comes down to being ‘desirable’ in the way society expects us to be. Neat and tidy, polite, nice girls. Bleurgh.
This is such a powerful and beautiful post, thank you so much for sharing. We have to accept that anger is a normal emotion and that kids are utter pains in the arse sometimes, of course we will get angry. Sometimes we can respond, but often we will react. That's OK. Our children will see that it's OK to be angry and learn how to repair it afterwards when we say sorry. They will know that a relationship can survive a moment of anger, that someone being cross with you does not mean they don't love you. I'm so sorry for the pain you experienced with your own mother, but I am so sure that your son will never feel that way because you are so deeply committed to showing him that he's loved. You can be angry with him sometimes, but he knows the love is still there. I spoke to my own mother this morning about the challenges I'm having navigating my daughter's neurodivergence. I said, "I wish I could be calm with her like you were with me." She said, "I lost my temper plenty of times, don't you remember?" No, I don't. She did get angry, apparently, but I retain none of that because she showed such love and support around it. We're allowed to mess up sometimes, it's not permanent.
Wow, those were words I needed to hear. Because of my experiences, I assume I am harming my child with my anger, even though I handle it wildly different than my mother did. I apologize, I talk to him about how I am working with it, and it doesn't seem to be that much of a big deal to him when it happens. I've been worrying that maybe he's psychopath and not afraid of anything, or maybe he's just loved and feels safe. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
He knows he's loved and safe. That's the greatest gift you can give a child. He's doing great, and so are you! ❤️
Thank you 😭❤️
Oh my gosh Emma I relate to EVERY WORD. 'I learned to adapt and I kept a long list of things not to do to make mom mad, but new things were often needing to be added.' - same. And I am exactly the same - the explosive anger from my mother (and father) that terrified me as a child and made me feel so much guilt and shame - I so did not want to inflict that upon my child. And yet, same as you, it comes up and I also hear my mother's voice, and actions, moving my mouth and body. And I'm horrified. Like you - I try to bring myself compassion and grace. And I almost always apologise to River after I've yelled.
It's so humbling too I find - before becoming a parent I judged other parents, and my own parents, SO harshly for not being able to control their anger. And now I'm in it and I GET IT. I understand why my parents, with trauma I don't think they ever really addressed, no family support, and three kids born in just over three years, lost their shit all the time. I wish they had apologised to us, or explained WHY they were angry - because of course I blamed myself for being a horrible child and seeming to make my parents so unhappy. It grew into this terrible sense of shame that there was something really defective and wrong with me. So I think the anger is so OK and so normal, but the apologising is key, and explaining why we're angry... That's what I try to do anyway.
Thank you as always for sharing your experience so honestly xxx
I am glad (and not glad) it resonated. It was not an easy experience for me growing up, and I can only assume it was not for you. I judged so much around anger, my mother's, other parents but lately, I have been turning to my husband a lot and saying I get it. I get the anger, I get how hard it is to hold space for a small person when you are having your own experience. It also the insane things that make my kid upset (and probably all toddlers), he cried this morning because he found the cupcake wrappers in the pantry and there was no cupcakes in them. He only cried harder when I failed to produce cupcakes upon his request...maddening! The apologizing is key, and communicating around it. My parent's would just yell and that would be it, no apologies or explanations, and if there was any communication it was to put the blame me, as in you shouldn't have done that thing that made me so angry. Thank you for sharing your perspective on this, it always helps to hear I am not alone and we are not alone.
I massively relate to your comment Ellie ❤️, my mum was very angry when I was growing up and I vowed never to be like that, but here I am too shouting and saying things that my mum would say. Like you say the difference is that we apologise and bring in compassion. But it's hard to grapple with that feeling of doing the thing that you didn't want to do.
I understand what you’re going through- motherhood is definitely the toughest job I’ve ever had, harder than working the overnight shift in TV news. We do not have enough support for parents in the US- no one can keep their cool for 16 hr days (how long my kids are awake... or longer!) hang in there; you’re doing an amazing job. It’s all the harder when we were not modeled loving patience growing up- I’m in the same boat! Thank u for sharing ❤️
It is the toughest job. We do not have enough support. Thank you for your kind words!
Thank you for sharing this Emma, I felt the feelings so deeply and I see the little girl in you, sending you/her so much love.
I never experienced anger to the extent I know now until motherhood. At the same time, I have also never felt any of my emotions so deeply, it is though everything has been opened up. In fact I remember the first time I felt it rise up in myself with my daughter (and actually that time felt like a release I needed).
Now it is far more frequent than I ever expected and seems to have doubled with two as there is double the mirroring and often I feel as though the two can become allies when they sense me struggling which feels hard (and brings up a lot of feelings). Also the anger seems to come in phases, which must be tied to when I am feeling generally overwhelmed etc.
On a recent trip there was so much intensity and although at times my children were extremely challenging, I think actually it came from me perceiving their behaviour to be ‘too much’ in the confines of my parents’ home (which although has always been filled with love, is where quiet, ‘good girl’ behaviour was instilled in me (working through this daily!) as a child and I was seeing the opposite play out with my own children, rather than them doing anything out of the ordinary most of the time.
However, not having my voice valued or listened to, in fact totally disregarded repeatedly when they are in a certain mode is difficult and triggering and I think fairly understandable. So as much as we apologise, repair and heal with our little ones (which is something I always do but apparently would never apologise as a child, I wonder if that was because I didn’t ever see it modelled?!), I hope we can learn to do the same with ourselves too xx
Motherhood opens up all the emotions as well. I love all your reflections. I notice the good girl in me too rising up when my son is usually being himself and not harming anyone at all. It is hard to face our conditioning, it feels very vulnerable. I didn’t know how to apologize until I was an adult, I want shown it at all as a child.
Thank you for seeing me here Emma xx
Always <3
Thank you so much for sharing this, we need to talk about Mum rage more. I have 2 boys, 3 and 1, lately I can't seem to stop yelling! I feel really bad about it, my 3 year old is starting to shout at me to not shout 🙈 I'm a yoga teacher so I have plenty of tools in my head to bring calm, but with both boys, parenting solo, bad night sleep most nights, I yell, I am angry and this has helped me recognise that I'm not making space or allowing myself to be angry. I'm trying to surpress it, resulting in me shouting at them 🙈 we can only do our best, we're not alone ❤️
My husband and I were talking about capacity and how that often get overlooked in the equation of anger. If I am overstimulated, tired, and my capacity to hold myself and my kid is quite small. And usually multiple things are conspiring to keep it that way, I find teething, bad sleep, and all the things happen at the same time. All this to say, there is so much to it AND even when we have all the tools, it can be hard to choose them or have any dang space to choose them. You are allowed to be angry, and I find when I allow myself to be angry, I am yelling less at my kid and more just into the general space. Is that better? Not sure, but its my best right now.
This speaks to me on so many levels. My *advice* if you so choose is to get some ancestral trauma healing, whether through constellation therapy or hypnosis or a good therapist… I am 100% here with you. My kids are now 4 & 6 and my anger has calmed significantly, but by no means is it gone. A recent Perimenopause diagnosis helped me feel.validated, but never an excuse. I have fears of how much I’ve fucked up my daughter in her earliest years because of my absolute R A G E but choose to trust that I’ve done a good job making sure she knows it was never her fault. It breaks my heart when I think of little her and at the same time, I remind myself that this is her journey too. There are gifts in the healing she will hopefully one day experience
Yes. There is a huge difference between anger and rage. Anger is usually a response to a boundary violation and/or something frustrating to us. Where rage has its roots in trauma and emerges from deeper wounds we may have experiences. I hear you, therapy immensely helped me work with my rage, and I worry about the implications of that first year with my son when I had no handle on it, and while it was never directed at him, it flooded the air of our home. My anger however comes and goes, I find it is usually a reasonable response to whatever is in front of me.
I really needed this. Thank you for your words.
I am glad it served you, you are so welcome Amy.
Thank you for your honesty on a topic that feels taboo, especially as women, as mothers. Your thought progression (as always) felt so true and accessible, as in I too could implement the thought-process you’re building. Especially the part about your own mother. While I do not share your particular experience, I’ve recently worked through a similar situation in giving grace and compassion to someone who hurt me emotionally. It’s difficult work, forgiveness. But so healing. So full-circle. Thank you for sharing.
Wow, I needed to read this. I sometimes worry my thought process is too all over the place or too personal to be impactful, so hearing it resonates and support means a lot to me. It is such difficult work, thank you for seeing me and sharing here.
You are not alone in finding toddlers maddening! They are absolutely wild! I look at this 2.5 yr old boy of mine and think back to when he was such a chilled baby, I could not imagine a tantrum coming from him. How wrong I was! It’s beautiful to see their strong will and personality, incredible to see the way the explore the word AND so fucking hard to parent!! Toddlers are physically and emotionally exhausting, and look at you! Dealing with that all day and going through your own personal journey of transformation and realisations. Give yourself grace for how much you have to carry. 💛
Thank you, thank you for seeing me. It is so hard. And it is so true, I never could have imagine my little baby being this wild, but I remind myself his ability to toddler so hard (aka develop as he needs) is because he feels safe and held.
Oh Emma! There is so much in here that spoke to me (and I am so so sorry to read of your experience with your own mother). We’ve spoken before about that anger that rises in an almost instinctive, animal-like way when our toddlers seem to push all of our buttons with remarkable precision… and it is so hard not to react. But you’re right: they are just being toddlers. There are so many reasons why things are hard for them in this season. And it’s hard for us too. My gosh, is it hard! Particularly that sense of mum guilt: ‘I shouldn’t feel this way… I shouldn’t react like this… I shouldn’t…’ Thank you for opening up this conversation: I am sure there will be many (like me) who have been blessed by your vulnerability ✨
Yes, the mom guilt is so hard. I find it makes it harder, so I am trying to focus more on it being normal for my anger to be there instead of trying to make it go away. Holly, you say the kindest things to me, thank you for being in this space.
I feel all of this! Thank you for writing this and sharing it. Yes, yes, yes. The distinction you made between feeling anger and blaming the child for it is such a helpful reminder for me. I am parenting a two year old as well and it is truly maddening so often. Thanks again for sharing this!
It is truly maddening about 50 times a day, at least over here. You are so welcome, I am glad it resonated.
I so feel you in the often despair at being angry, and self-shaming.
Lately I’ve been less angry because I’ve been sleeping better, and 4 weeks with my family reminded me (cos I need to be reminded a lot!) that it’s not natural for me to be everything to my child and all-available for her, and neither is it natural or reasonable for her to have only one or two adults available for her, she needs many more people around, as do I.
My anger has of course been so layered, many origins behind it, but most often I’ve found it’s the simmering resentment of ‘I shouldn’t have to be her one and only’ which eventually boils over, because, yes I am and most of us are living unnaturally over-available and therefore under-nourished. X
Yeah, I tried to night wean a few months ago and it did not go well, now I am thinking it may time to try again because the lack of me sleeping plus my son toddlering is making all my emotions more intense.
It is hard to remember we are not meant to do this alone, every time we are around family and my son runs off and plays with his grandmother, and isn't concerned about me at all. I am reminded of that, it is good for them to experience other people and we need it too for our sanity.
I sharing that simmering resentment...because I am often wishing there is someone else who could step in and help because it is exhausting to be the one who is always facing everything.
🥲