So many thoughts swirl through my mind but the most pressing question of yours for me is worrying your child will not love you back. I am sure other people experience that love at first sight, overwhelming joy when you see your child, I did not have that experience (I think that has a lot to do with how my son's birth went). If you do not feel that swelling of love the second you lay eyes upon your child, there is nothing wrong with you or them. Motherhood is many things, it has been a great healing force in my life but I think the biggest thing it has taught me is love grows over time. Love for my son keeps deepening at every stage. And as long as you let this love flow through you, I am sure your daughter will love you back, because she needs you and she chose you to be her mother.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so common to hear of the “instant bond” that is expected upon delivery day, and it’s very comforting to know that it’s not a requirement to feel that immediately in order to love your children deeply. It’s lovely to hear about your love growing more and more for your son despite a heavy birth (and I’m so sorry it was not the peaceful one you dreamed of). I am so grateful for this insight and your community 🩷
Oh Violet. Welcome mama, because you already are. To the little one you lost and the little one you are carrying now. There is so much I could say, but the first thing I wanted to share is simple. When you have a newborn, you and they are not really separate. You are a mother-baby. And as your baby grows and develops there’s this constant dance of where do I begin, and where do I end? It’s not so much a question of do they love me but rather do I love myself enough to trust that I am a good enough mother? You are and always will be the only thing this little being needs. However you birth your baby. However you feed your baby. However you manage sleeping arrangements. Whether you do baby led weaning or purées. Whether you follow a gentle parenting approach or not. There will be so much advice coming your way. The only ‘advice’ I’ve ever found a new mama needs is deep reassurance in her own way of doing things. That newborn dance is the beginning of a relationship that will continue throughout your lives together. I’m still learning new steps with a pre teen. It is hard and it is wonderful. It is exciting and it is boring. You will gain so much. You will lose so much. You may feel a huge range of conflicting feelings. Your identity forever altered. All of this is normal. The quality to cultivate in yourself above all is self compassion.
Thank you so much for these words 🩷 I so appreciate your reflections on duality and your honesty! There’s something both beautiful and terrifying about being mother-baby, like it’s the first time I truly NEED to be everything for someone else. And I love your insights on self compassion and conviction, perfect advice. Xoxo 💌
First, your words are swaddle indeed. May they hold you when the storm rages. May they keep you company, connect you to others, when you feel lonely.
You ask such good questions. To your question, "what I wish someone would have told me": it is so much work. 24/7, 365. Imagine being on the clock always. Motherhood is like that. There are no breaks. It is WORK. Be prepared for no energy.
On the other hand, and in response to "how to connect with self," take every opportunity. When you're offered a break (and if you need to make one, somehow, yourself), TAKE IT. Return to something you've always loved, and try to put on real clothes for it. You'll start to feel your old self emerge, reborn into someone new. Trust that someone. She's going to grow, and beautifully too, just as much as your child.
And, finally, what a newborn needs: you. Just you. Doing the best you can. Showing up in whatever state your in. If she doesn't love you back, she will. Trust. You will figure it out, together, for the rest of your lives.
I cried while reading this comment! Thank you so much for these kind and insightful words. I’ll remind myself of the balance that is necessary — to know it will indeed be 24/7 hard work and to be unafraid to take those little moments in between to reconnect with myself. I’m so excited to grow with my daughter, and I rly appreciate these loving sentiments and suggestions 💌 Xo!
I'm so thankful. ❤️ You're a beautiful writer. I don't normally follow others through this space, and I'm trying to limit how many mamas are in my inbox because there are so many😂, but the first thing I did after reading your reflection was subscribe to your stack! I'm excited to watch you bloom. ❤️
Watching others connect in this space maybe my second favorite part of this space (the first being holding space for everyone’s words and wisdoms). Thank you for holding each other with such love.
Oh my goodness, I feel so touched! 🥲 Thank you for those kind words, it truly means so much — I’m excited to bloom with you, alongside each other, in this little online space 🥹🩷
This is such a wonderful idea! Blessings to you and your family, Violet! In my experience, you can’t prepare for motherhood, beyond expecting the unexpected and giving yourself time and space for changes to unfold. You’ll be growing alongside your family. It can feel painful, but there’s so much possibility and beauty in the expansion. Cheering you on!
Thank you, Heidi! Indeed trying my best to “prepare” myself by simply channeling my mindset to be as flexible as possible — it is hard work in itself! I think that practice is the only way I’ve managed to keep my head above water in pregnancy. I so appreciate your kind words 🩷
Violet… I share with you a poem that I have written and read for some of my dearest friends in their own Mother’s Blessings that I have been honoured to hold for them…
Dearest Violet, my beautiful friend
As you step through this portal you are loved no end
There is a circle of women who are holding the space
Ready to greet you with the warmest embrace
In the times when you wobble, or your heart feels tender
Let us be there to build and mend you
The only wisdom I can honestly share
Is be lead by your heart and the soul who is there
And remember that you have been chosen to guide
And nurture this spirit from within to outside
Trust in your courage, your wisdom, your power
Even when you feel fragile like petals on a flower
Generations of women walk this path alongside you
The sisters, the mothers and the friends that are true
We honour you now as you step into unknown land
A passage, a walk way, but with us holding your hand. ❤️
Thank you so much, Lauren — your poem is beautiful 🩷 There is so much comfort and soothing in your words, and I so appreciate you leaving that comment and sharing your work. Holding all the gentle hands of mothers in these last few weeks! 🫶🏻💌
Oh wow! This is such a beautiful initiative ❤️ I’m nursing my fourteen month old to sleep right now and I’d love to answer your questions and shower you with love and well wishes ❤️
Can one prepare for the postpartum period, or do we just take it in stride like everything else that radically changes our lives?
- As with so many things in motherhood, I believe both are true. Every minute I spent preparing for post partum payed off minimum double. It gave me a sense of stability preparing, ”no matter what happens I know I’ll have the freezer full of delicious date balls” (lifesaver!). You’re getting pretty close and I believe there’s also a beautiful period to just sit, let go, and be, go inward. So if anything of what I’m suggestion feels like tension or stressful - skip it. Everyone is so different but I’ll share what supported me
- Mentally capping the first 40 days as days of doing NOTHING and just BEING and landing in this. Especially first 2 weeks ”5 days in bed, 5 days on bed, 5 days around the bed”. Of course, this is not possible for everyone, I was in a position where I was supported a lot by my partner which was great, but at least to really make sure to take things SLOW and then SLOWER was exceptional for me.
- Clear boundaries on visits the first two weeks. Once again - SLOW. Respecting the huge energy shifts that are happening.
- I LOVED the books the fourth trimester and first forty days + first forty days journal. Very supportive.
- I cooked lots of food and broth and date balls and filled the freezer which was incredible. I ate a LOT LOT LOT those first weeks, drank heaps and heaps (big water bottle!) which was so helpful for my overall healing. Warmth warmth warmth. Warm feet, drink warm tea, lots of soups. Pour ghee on everything. Grounding after unsettling nights.
- Lots of more tips in the books I recommended!
- No social media/instagram/Facebook for the first three months (was also delicious). Still was on substack!
- Ask for help ask for help ask for help. Everything can feel different after a shower.
Once again, everyone is different, but for me this gave me a sense of stability and comfort while so much else was changing and new. Knowing I’d be nurtured physically and mentally. Also - if I’d do it again I’d ask a friend to set up a meal train starting after a week or two. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it for myself and didn’t know how it would be, but I’m getting so much better at asking for help since becoming a mother.
AND - while all of this was great - just as you’re writing - you can’t prepare. Because you never know what life will give you and it’s all so freaking NEW and delicious and tender. <3
Does anyone else fear that their baby will not love them back?
I had fears around not being a good mother, or ”becoming my own mother” in her worst moments. Worked though some of it and some still working though. Would really recommend general psychotherapy and books like ”parenting from the inside out” or Gabor Mates work (check out his podcast episode on the podcast ”motherkind”.
What do you wish someone would’ve told you before your first baby was born?
- You don’t need much clothes at all for the first month. What I loved that people told me / that I read: take it slow, listen to you needs, have clear boundaries around early visitors.
How do we continue to connect with ourselves when we become the lifeforce for another?
- How do we? I ask myself the same and it looks different every day. Once again - I loved the ideas around this in the book ”the fourth trimester”. Also her journal was great for just some small prompts, connecting through writing. Ask for help. When something feels overwhelming have your partner or someone just take the baby for a stroll around the block or into another room. That has been helpful for me if it’s felt like too much.
- But also - it becomes clear to me that I’m him and he is me.
- This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.
- When my newborn baby was crying (five to nine whine for a couple of weeks) I would imagine roots shooting from my feet going deep deep deep into the earth, holding me and allowing me to diffuse built up tension. Deep breathing.
- Reminding myself it’s so so short period of time (which I’m really feeling now that he’s already one - once again - this too shall pass).
- Eat lots and lots of food and good fats (and dark chocolate and date balls ofc).
- We accept that connection to ourselves looks and feels different now. Who I am is forever changed and who I find when I connect with myself might not be who I expected - that’s ok. All is welcome.
- Sisterhood and other mothers.
- I read power of now again before becoming a mother and early post partum, also listened to Eckhart Tolles talks on Spotify, that helped me connect with my inner body and be ok with just BEING for such a long time.
- Nature and curiosity.
What does a newborn baby really need?
Most important: You. Your warmth. Diapers. (Hence why it’s great to fill the freezer - it’s easier to pour out when we’ve had a bit of fill ourselves). Something for diaper rash.
Also great imo: wrap to carry baby in/sling (don’t know the word in English). A pilates-ball to bounce on.
What are the best ways to support each other in each new phase of motherhood?
Early postpartum: practical help, cleaning, nurturing, food, bodywork.
Later on: sisterhood, mother circles. Curiosity and knowing that it will be different for everyone, and me having another experience does not inhibit me emphasizing with yours. Collecting different stories around how motherhood can feel and look like. Connecting not only in struggles but also highs.
I was always very inspired by @katriver stories around motherhood and her perspective.
Ok so lots of practical stuff but that's what wanted to come out this evening - which you all the best and showering you with love, what a gift to have you as a mother!
Klara, this is SO incredibly helpful that I have copy/pasted your comment into my Notes app on my phone 🤣 I rly appreciate the specific suggestions — I never would’ve thought of a lot of those on my own and I feel extra “prepared” with your tidbits and advice.
Especially the book suggestions, I’m a big bookworm and have been craving some reads on motherhood, so I’ll definitely be adding your referenced titles to my reading list.
I am truly grateful for how much time and thought you put into this comment! Your 14-month old is lucky to have you, and I feel so happy that we got to connect on this space. Sending you so many hugs across the internet! Xo 🩷
I love this post! Thanks for writing it. What a beautiful idea to do a virtual “blessing.” I am due with my first biological baby in 2 days, on the 24th of May. So, I guess I am just as anxious and lost on the postpartum and newborn and baby things as you are, and I really appreciate your questions.
I have, however, been a foster mom for almost 5 years and we have two children who we adopted from the foster care system when they were 14 and 8 years old. So, while I have never done the “baby thing” I’ve done the “mama thing” for awhile.
My only real piece of wisdom, if it’s even that, is that motherhood is both the best and the hardest thing there is - at the exact same time most days. I think accepting that and embracing the polarizing and conflicting emotions can be really peace-giving some days. It’s not a constant suffer-fest and it’s not butterflies and rainbows. But sometimes it’s both :) I guess the Internet (maybe with the exception of Substack, it seems!) shows one extreme or the other. I really believe it’s both, basically all the time. You will love your new life. You will miss your old life. You won’t want it to end. You will wonder how many more minutes you can endure it. You wouldn’t trade it for the world. You would give anything to have more breathing space to yourself.
Anyway. I’m rambling now, but sending solidarity, love, light, and best wishes. You were meant to be her mom!
Oh my goodness, I am so thrilled for you! Sending you so many Substack hugs tonight (and the rest of this week) for a peaceful and healthy birth 🫶🏻 Such an exciting time for you to be having your first biological baby too, and I’m sure an extra special moment for you and your already-blossoming family as a foster mom 🩷 I absolutely loved your ramble and will hold it close as labor approaches! Cheers to lots of milk and diapers for us this summer 🌞
Hi Violet, I’m holding my sleeping 2 month old as I write this. Congratulations to you!! I don’t have much wisdom to share as this is my first and I’m figuring things out too, but my biggest advice regarding the postpartum period is to take things in stride and to be so gentle with yourself! I couldn’t have anticipated what postpartum would be like for me, and I tried to prepare but I’m not sure what difference it made in the long run. It was helpful to just take things a day at a time and to share with my husband and those closest to me how I was really doing. Now I am past the 6 week mark and am having to remind myself that “postpartum” is not over and that it’s okay to adjust to a new pace of life ❤️ saying a prayer for you! Blessings for you and your new sweet baby!!
Alexis, congratulations to you! 💖 It’s comforting to hear you say that postpartum should just be taken in stride, no matter how much “prep” we try to do, and to simply trust ourselves to rest and do the best we can. I rly appreciate you taking the time to reply and am sending you all the best blessings and prayers for you and yours, too! 🫶🏻🍼
Blessings to you Violet and Joni as you prepare and move through this adventure.
The first thing I would say to you Violet is that simply your approach to the entire experience with so much openness and curiosity is preparation and proof that you’ll do great. I don’t know that anything can truly prepare you for postpartum but what I do know is that you can do this. There will be many moments when you think you can’t. But you, and all women, are so incredibly strong and resourceful. Don’t be afraid to ask for and receive as much help as you can get! And don’t feel guilty about it either! Rest and much as you can rest, sleep when the baby sleeps.
I’ve found connecting with myself to be one of the hardest things to maintain after having a baby. In all honesty it took me about a year after both of my kids were born to really feel like I had the space and time for myself. It will feel like an eternity but remember this is just a moment in time and it will pass and it will get better despite the fact that everyone will tell you that and you won’t believe them for one second.
Fortunately or unfortunately, a newborn baby really only needs a loving caregiver, and oftentimes that’s mom. It can feel like a lot and it is. The best I can offer is a reframe. What a gift that you get to be everything for someone else 😊
You’ve got this! Cheering you on and keep us updated! Sometimes just connecting with others is the best salve when you’re struggling.
Thank you so much, Ashley! 🫶🏻 It’s very comforting to hear your reassuring words during this process — everything right now feels like it’s beckoning the question, “Am I doing this right?” I rly appreciate your reminder that everything is temporary, and like a lot of moms have noted (I’m seeing a pattern!) of not forgetting to hold little moments for ourselves 🩷 I’ll hold your mom-advice close in these next few months 💌
So many thoughts swirl through my mind but the most pressing question of yours for me is worrying your child will not love you back. I am sure other people experience that love at first sight, overwhelming joy when you see your child, I did not have that experience (I think that has a lot to do with how my son's birth went). If you do not feel that swelling of love the second you lay eyes upon your child, there is nothing wrong with you or them. Motherhood is many things, it has been a great healing force in my life but I think the biggest thing it has taught me is love grows over time. Love for my son keeps deepening at every stage. And as long as you let this love flow through you, I am sure your daughter will love you back, because she needs you and she chose you to be her mother.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It is so common to hear of the “instant bond” that is expected upon delivery day, and it’s very comforting to know that it’s not a requirement to feel that immediately in order to love your children deeply. It’s lovely to hear about your love growing more and more for your son despite a heavy birth (and I’m so sorry it was not the peaceful one you dreamed of). I am so grateful for this insight and your community 🩷
Oh Violet. Welcome mama, because you already are. To the little one you lost and the little one you are carrying now. There is so much I could say, but the first thing I wanted to share is simple. When you have a newborn, you and they are not really separate. You are a mother-baby. And as your baby grows and develops there’s this constant dance of where do I begin, and where do I end? It’s not so much a question of do they love me but rather do I love myself enough to trust that I am a good enough mother? You are and always will be the only thing this little being needs. However you birth your baby. However you feed your baby. However you manage sleeping arrangements. Whether you do baby led weaning or purées. Whether you follow a gentle parenting approach or not. There will be so much advice coming your way. The only ‘advice’ I’ve ever found a new mama needs is deep reassurance in her own way of doing things. That newborn dance is the beginning of a relationship that will continue throughout your lives together. I’m still learning new steps with a pre teen. It is hard and it is wonderful. It is exciting and it is boring. You will gain so much. You will lose so much. You may feel a huge range of conflicting feelings. Your identity forever altered. All of this is normal. The quality to cultivate in yourself above all is self compassion.
Thank you so much for these words 🩷 I so appreciate your reflections on duality and your honesty! There’s something both beautiful and terrifying about being mother-baby, like it’s the first time I truly NEED to be everything for someone else. And I love your insights on self compassion and conviction, perfect advice. Xoxo 💌
Oh Violet! Welcome, welcome.
First, your words are swaddle indeed. May they hold you when the storm rages. May they keep you company, connect you to others, when you feel lonely.
You ask such good questions. To your question, "what I wish someone would have told me": it is so much work. 24/7, 365. Imagine being on the clock always. Motherhood is like that. There are no breaks. It is WORK. Be prepared for no energy.
On the other hand, and in response to "how to connect with self," take every opportunity. When you're offered a break (and if you need to make one, somehow, yourself), TAKE IT. Return to something you've always loved, and try to put on real clothes for it. You'll start to feel your old self emerge, reborn into someone new. Trust that someone. She's going to grow, and beautifully too, just as much as your child.
And, finally, what a newborn needs: you. Just you. Doing the best you can. Showing up in whatever state your in. If she doesn't love you back, she will. Trust. You will figure it out, together, for the rest of your lives.
All the love.
I cried while reading this comment! Thank you so much for these kind and insightful words. I’ll remind myself of the balance that is necessary — to know it will indeed be 24/7 hard work and to be unafraid to take those little moments in between to reconnect with myself. I’m so excited to grow with my daughter, and I rly appreciate these loving sentiments and suggestions 💌 Xo!
I'm so thankful. ❤️ You're a beautiful writer. I don't normally follow others through this space, and I'm trying to limit how many mamas are in my inbox because there are so many😂, but the first thing I did after reading your reflection was subscribe to your stack! I'm excited to watch you bloom. ❤️
Watching others connect in this space maybe my second favorite part of this space (the first being holding space for everyone’s words and wisdoms). Thank you for holding each other with such love.
Oh my goodness, I feel so touched! 🥲 Thank you for those kind words, it truly means so much — I’m excited to bloom with you, alongside each other, in this little online space 🥹🩷
"You will figure it out, together, for the rest of your lives." I'm crying...
This is such a wonderful idea! Blessings to you and your family, Violet! In my experience, you can’t prepare for motherhood, beyond expecting the unexpected and giving yourself time and space for changes to unfold. You’ll be growing alongside your family. It can feel painful, but there’s so much possibility and beauty in the expansion. Cheering you on!
Thank you, Heidi! Indeed trying my best to “prepare” myself by simply channeling my mindset to be as flexible as possible — it is hard work in itself! I think that practice is the only way I’ve managed to keep my head above water in pregnancy. I so appreciate your kind words 🩷
This is such a beautiful idea Emma!
Violet… I share with you a poem that I have written and read for some of my dearest friends in their own Mother’s Blessings that I have been honoured to hold for them…
Dearest Violet, my beautiful friend
As you step through this portal you are loved no end
There is a circle of women who are holding the space
Ready to greet you with the warmest embrace
In the times when you wobble, or your heart feels tender
Let us be there to build and mend you
The only wisdom I can honestly share
Is be lead by your heart and the soul who is there
And remember that you have been chosen to guide
And nurture this spirit from within to outside
Trust in your courage, your wisdom, your power
Even when you feel fragile like petals on a flower
Generations of women walk this path alongside you
The sisters, the mothers and the friends that are true
We honour you now as you step into unknown land
A passage, a walk way, but with us holding your hand. ❤️
Thank you so much, Lauren — your poem is beautiful 🩷 There is so much comfort and soothing in your words, and I so appreciate you leaving that comment and sharing your work. Holding all the gentle hands of mothers in these last few weeks! 🫶🏻💌
This is beautiful ❤️
Oh wow! This is such a beautiful initiative ❤️ I’m nursing my fourteen month old to sleep right now and I’d love to answer your questions and shower you with love and well wishes ❤️
Can one prepare for the postpartum period, or do we just take it in stride like everything else that radically changes our lives?
- As with so many things in motherhood, I believe both are true. Every minute I spent preparing for post partum payed off minimum double. It gave me a sense of stability preparing, ”no matter what happens I know I’ll have the freezer full of delicious date balls” (lifesaver!). You’re getting pretty close and I believe there’s also a beautiful period to just sit, let go, and be, go inward. So if anything of what I’m suggestion feels like tension or stressful - skip it. Everyone is so different but I’ll share what supported me
- Mentally capping the first 40 days as days of doing NOTHING and just BEING and landing in this. Especially first 2 weeks ”5 days in bed, 5 days on bed, 5 days around the bed”. Of course, this is not possible for everyone, I was in a position where I was supported a lot by my partner which was great, but at least to really make sure to take things SLOW and then SLOWER was exceptional for me.
- Clear boundaries on visits the first two weeks. Once again - SLOW. Respecting the huge energy shifts that are happening.
- I LOVED the books the fourth trimester and first forty days + first forty days journal. Very supportive.
- I cooked lots of food and broth and date balls and filled the freezer which was incredible. I ate a LOT LOT LOT those first weeks, drank heaps and heaps (big water bottle!) which was so helpful for my overall healing. Warmth warmth warmth. Warm feet, drink warm tea, lots of soups. Pour ghee on everything. Grounding after unsettling nights.
- Lots of more tips in the books I recommended!
- No social media/instagram/Facebook for the first three months (was also delicious). Still was on substack!
- Ask for help ask for help ask for help. Everything can feel different after a shower.
Once again, everyone is different, but for me this gave me a sense of stability and comfort while so much else was changing and new. Knowing I’d be nurtured physically and mentally. Also - if I’d do it again I’d ask a friend to set up a meal train starting after a week or two. I didn’t feel comfortable doing it for myself and didn’t know how it would be, but I’m getting so much better at asking for help since becoming a mother.
AND - while all of this was great - just as you’re writing - you can’t prepare. Because you never know what life will give you and it’s all so freaking NEW and delicious and tender. <3
Does anyone else fear that their baby will not love them back?
I had fears around not being a good mother, or ”becoming my own mother” in her worst moments. Worked though some of it and some still working though. Would really recommend general psychotherapy and books like ”parenting from the inside out” or Gabor Mates work (check out his podcast episode on the podcast ”motherkind”.
What do you wish someone would’ve told you before your first baby was born?
- You don’t need much clothes at all for the first month. What I loved that people told me / that I read: take it slow, listen to you needs, have clear boundaries around early visitors.
How do we continue to connect with ourselves when we become the lifeforce for another?
- How do we? I ask myself the same and it looks different every day. Once again - I loved the ideas around this in the book ”the fourth trimester”. Also her journal was great for just some small prompts, connecting through writing. Ask for help. When something feels overwhelming have your partner or someone just take the baby for a stroll around the block or into another room. That has been helpful for me if it’s felt like too much.
- But also - it becomes clear to me that I’m him and he is me.
- This too shall pass, this too shall pass, this too shall pass.
- When my newborn baby was crying (five to nine whine for a couple of weeks) I would imagine roots shooting from my feet going deep deep deep into the earth, holding me and allowing me to diffuse built up tension. Deep breathing.
- Reminding myself it’s so so short period of time (which I’m really feeling now that he’s already one - once again - this too shall pass).
- Eat lots and lots of food and good fats (and dark chocolate and date balls ofc).
- We accept that connection to ourselves looks and feels different now. Who I am is forever changed and who I find when I connect with myself might not be who I expected - that’s ok. All is welcome.
- Sisterhood and other mothers.
- I read power of now again before becoming a mother and early post partum, also listened to Eckhart Tolles talks on Spotify, that helped me connect with my inner body and be ok with just BEING for such a long time.
- Nature and curiosity.
What does a newborn baby really need?
Most important: You. Your warmth. Diapers. (Hence why it’s great to fill the freezer - it’s easier to pour out when we’ve had a bit of fill ourselves). Something for diaper rash.
Also great imo: wrap to carry baby in/sling (don’t know the word in English). A pilates-ball to bounce on.
What are the best ways to support each other in each new phase of motherhood?
Early postpartum: practical help, cleaning, nurturing, food, bodywork.
Later on: sisterhood, mother circles. Curiosity and knowing that it will be different for everyone, and me having another experience does not inhibit me emphasizing with yours. Collecting different stories around how motherhood can feel and look like. Connecting not only in struggles but also highs.
I was always very inspired by @katriver stories around motherhood and her perspective.
Ok so lots of practical stuff but that's what wanted to come out this evening - which you all the best and showering you with love, what a gift to have you as a mother!
Klara, this is SO incredibly helpful that I have copy/pasted your comment into my Notes app on my phone 🤣 I rly appreciate the specific suggestions — I never would’ve thought of a lot of those on my own and I feel extra “prepared” with your tidbits and advice.
Especially the book suggestions, I’m a big bookworm and have been craving some reads on motherhood, so I’ll definitely be adding your referenced titles to my reading list.
I am truly grateful for how much time and thought you put into this comment! Your 14-month old is lucky to have you, and I feel so happy that we got to connect on this space. Sending you so many hugs across the internet! Xo 🩷
I love this post! Thanks for writing it. What a beautiful idea to do a virtual “blessing.” I am due with my first biological baby in 2 days, on the 24th of May. So, I guess I am just as anxious and lost on the postpartum and newborn and baby things as you are, and I really appreciate your questions.
I have, however, been a foster mom for almost 5 years and we have two children who we adopted from the foster care system when they were 14 and 8 years old. So, while I have never done the “baby thing” I’ve done the “mama thing” for awhile.
My only real piece of wisdom, if it’s even that, is that motherhood is both the best and the hardest thing there is - at the exact same time most days. I think accepting that and embracing the polarizing and conflicting emotions can be really peace-giving some days. It’s not a constant suffer-fest and it’s not butterflies and rainbows. But sometimes it’s both :) I guess the Internet (maybe with the exception of Substack, it seems!) shows one extreme or the other. I really believe it’s both, basically all the time. You will love your new life. You will miss your old life. You won’t want it to end. You will wonder how many more minutes you can endure it. You wouldn’t trade it for the world. You would give anything to have more breathing space to yourself.
Anyway. I’m rambling now, but sending solidarity, love, light, and best wishes. You were meant to be her mom!
Oh my goodness, I am so thrilled for you! Sending you so many Substack hugs tonight (and the rest of this week) for a peaceful and healthy birth 🫶🏻 Such an exciting time for you to be having your first biological baby too, and I’m sure an extra special moment for you and your already-blossoming family as a foster mom 🩷 I absolutely loved your ramble and will hold it close as labor approaches! Cheers to lots of milk and diapers for us this summer 🌞
Hi Violet, I’m holding my sleeping 2 month old as I write this. Congratulations to you!! I don’t have much wisdom to share as this is my first and I’m figuring things out too, but my biggest advice regarding the postpartum period is to take things in stride and to be so gentle with yourself! I couldn’t have anticipated what postpartum would be like for me, and I tried to prepare but I’m not sure what difference it made in the long run. It was helpful to just take things a day at a time and to share with my husband and those closest to me how I was really doing. Now I am past the 6 week mark and am having to remind myself that “postpartum” is not over and that it’s okay to adjust to a new pace of life ❤️ saying a prayer for you! Blessings for you and your new sweet baby!!
Alexis, congratulations to you! 💖 It’s comforting to hear you say that postpartum should just be taken in stride, no matter how much “prep” we try to do, and to simply trust ourselves to rest and do the best we can. I rly appreciate you taking the time to reply and am sending you all the best blessings and prayers for you and yours, too! 🫶🏻🍼
What an amazing idea!!
Blessings to you Violet and Joni as you prepare and move through this adventure.
The first thing I would say to you Violet is that simply your approach to the entire experience with so much openness and curiosity is preparation and proof that you’ll do great. I don’t know that anything can truly prepare you for postpartum but what I do know is that you can do this. There will be many moments when you think you can’t. But you, and all women, are so incredibly strong and resourceful. Don’t be afraid to ask for and receive as much help as you can get! And don’t feel guilty about it either! Rest and much as you can rest, sleep when the baby sleeps.
I’ve found connecting with myself to be one of the hardest things to maintain after having a baby. In all honesty it took me about a year after both of my kids were born to really feel like I had the space and time for myself. It will feel like an eternity but remember this is just a moment in time and it will pass and it will get better despite the fact that everyone will tell you that and you won’t believe them for one second.
Fortunately or unfortunately, a newborn baby really only needs a loving caregiver, and oftentimes that’s mom. It can feel like a lot and it is. The best I can offer is a reframe. What a gift that you get to be everything for someone else 😊
You’ve got this! Cheering you on and keep us updated! Sometimes just connecting with others is the best salve when you’re struggling.
Thank you so much, Ashley! 🫶🏻 It’s very comforting to hear your reassuring words during this process — everything right now feels like it’s beckoning the question, “Am I doing this right?” I rly appreciate your reminder that everything is temporary, and like a lot of moms have noted (I’m seeing a pattern!) of not forgetting to hold little moments for ourselves 🩷 I’ll hold your mom-advice close in these next few months 💌