Ah Emma, it was so beautiful and tender to listen to you. I felt every word and related to the anger and desperation of sleep-related stuff a low sleep needs baby/child. It was amazing to hear how you embarked on the journey of remothering yourself and the shifts you have felt as a result. You are doing such beautiful and important work dear one. Thank you for sharing your words and your voice xx
Thank you for reading and sharing your kind soul! A low sleep needs kid was not what I was expecting, and my fighting against it only made things harder. I am grateful for the work I did to be able to go with his flow more.
I know what you mean, the amount of times people said to me “they sleep all the time as newborns”, really never had that! It takes a lot to soften to it xx
Thank you for sharing this Emma. I so relate to the grief and anger you speak of. I have got so angry at my son around sleep because I was so desperate for it... I've also noticed that I often get particularly angry when I feel I'm doing it 'wrong' and it's 'my fault' that he isn't sleeping - River goes to bed at 9:30pm and has ALWAYS gone to sleep late and I have felt, and still feel, surrounded by parents whose kids go to bed at the 'correct' time of 7:30. And I know it's because this is just River's rhythm and he's such an active kid, he's never needed that much sleep. But that voice that says 'you're doing it wrong' can be SO strong sometimes. I know I still have so much grief around how hard I've found motherhood, and sometimes it gets triggered in me... e.g. the other day someone who is expecting his first baby said to me, after I said how hard sleep deprivation is, 'oh, we'll get sleep, we have to get sleep' - as if it was something you could just 'choose' and I felt SO much rage because it felt like he was saying to me 'YOU obviously did it wrong, that's why your kid didn't sleep.'
I know this part of me that thinks I've done things 'wrong' is such a tender, wounded part and needs so much love. I'm so glad you also discovered self-compassion and a way to be more loving to yourself. I am still very much working on the being in my body piece. Are there any practices or approaches you find particularly helpful? x
Oh, I feel this comment. My son has NEVER needed a lot of sleep and I am now seeing that was part of my struggle with it too. I thought he SHOULD be sleeping more and my inability to make that happen was a reflection of me. Turns out, he is a very active kid and needs A LOT of movement, activity, and doing to be anywhere near tired. All this to say, I understand immensely, and it was hard in the beginning to not take it personally and as some sort of reflection of me as a mother.
For being in the body, outside of movement usually everyday, small practices I do are breathing and noticing my body, what sensations are present, what I feel and holding space for what I am noticing. Anything that feels grounding helps me too, I love laying in the grass, or using a weighted blanket, things that remind me I am in my body help a ton.
Oh Ellie, that voice is so harsh and unrelenting at times isn’t it. My daughter also goes to bed late, doesn’t nap in the day, she can go go go, and it’s infuriating sometimes, especially when I have skipped meditation and or workouts because it’s been a challenging parenting day, and so the resentment kicks in and often a cycle of anger.
My mum still holds guilt / pain around things she ‘didn’t do right’ with myself and my brothers and it’s devastating to watch, I’m so aware of the need for self-compassion as a constant practice, for all the reasons, including modelling it to my daughter.
Ahhh I can relate to so much of what you describe with your son and the anger and the sleep. I have had this with my second daughter even thought I had already been a Mother for three years when she came along. Now I still get triggered when she screams at night after we had many colicy/reflux nights of screaming. I have to work so so hard to regulate myself and don’t always get it ‘right’. Each child for me has mirrored different wounds to heal, and that’s been a lot to accept because I’ve not been the Mother I ‘thought’ I would be at any point. Compassion has had to be my only way because being critical and harsh with myself has only lead to more defensiveness and less regulation. It took me a while to realise that. Sending you love and gratitude for your words here. Xxx
I had a draft going for a while title, Not the mother I thought I would be. I completely understand and feel that. Compassion has also been my saving grace. Thank your for always thoughtfully commenting and sharing your experiences. I feel seen when you do!
I’m grieving over my first year and a half or so of motherhood. It was not anything like I want/ed it to be. And I don’t think I’m going to have anymore babies. It feels like the opportunity to redeem some of the pain is evaporating.
Grief is such a hard thing to wrangle. Especially when there is no body to bury. While my story is not yours, your words encourage me to consider in what ways the first-year mother I was still needs compassion. Thank you for holding me as I hold you. ❤️
I may need to write this down somewhere...."Grief is such a hard thing to wrangle. Especially when there is no body to bury." It is beyond true, I feel that with my whole being. Thank you for sharing your truth and reminding me I am not alone in feeling this grief. I have a paid post going out on compassion this week, how timely! Thank you for being here and seeing me.
I really, really appreciated reading this post and all the comments. I also grieve the first year of motherhood and I hardly remember it. My mum always felt like the “quintessential” mum to me (caring, patient, selfless), and I somehow thought that would magically transfer to me. It did not. And I had a baby that cried and cried and cried, and would not sleep. I blamed myself - that I was too anxious and stressed and this was why she was so “difficult”. But now as a nearly 3 year old, I can see how much of this is just part of her personality. She is strong willed and insanely strong, always thinking and moving, and never goes to sleep before 9.30pm. I am the only one who can get her to sleep and it takes me an hour of her climbing all over me in a chair before she nods off. It’s exhausting but I’ve learnt it’s much less exhausting than fighting against it.
Thank you so much, Emma. Like others, I hope other new mums know they aren’t alone.
Our little ones sound similar. I thought it was me too, why my son wouldn’t sleep, but I’ve come to realize it is how he is and I could have been the calmest mom on the planet and he still probably would sleep the same. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
What I truly honored the most from this post, is the fact that you are cognizant of the learning process that we are all still in. Not like a guru who doesn’t struggle anymore and has seen the light. That really resonates with me. Thank you so much for this beautiful article.
Incredibly beautiful and relatable. The first year of motherhood was similar for me. I’ve been reflecting on it a lot as I prepare to have my second child in less than 2 months. The pain of my first 1-1.5 years of motherhood is so acute, there’s guilt and grief mixed in there. Fear of it happening again rising to the surface. This essay helped give words to some of my emotions and experiences of my first year.
Wishing you ease with your second. I have high hopes it will be different if I have another all the while being prepared for it to be the same. I am grateful it resonated with you. There is a lot of grief and guilt present for me as well. Thank you for reading.
High hopes while also prepared for it to be the same is essentially right where I am! I truly believe there’s a good chance it will be better. I can also see a path where I have another very, very hard year. Prayer is what I have right now!
Thank you for writing this! Sleep has always been a struggle for us - whether my son’s or mine, and while we’ve found things that work for us, it’s still (like you said) hovering under the surface. Even now, a few years later, I sometimes need to take a deep breath when I see sleep training advice that promises to solve the issue because it took me a long time to get past feeling like I failed and hate that other new moms are probably feeling the same way.
I feel this, I spent so long thinking it was a problem to be solved and the only thing that has shifted sleep was time! I know, I hate that other mother's are feeling the same way, I think it is so important to talk about it because I didn't have a lot of people to turn to who understood.
I am so utterly grateful I have found this post. I feel seen heard and comforted but your words and writing. In alignment with someone else's comment there are so many layers to this crazy stew of motherhood. Above all I am not the mother I thought I would be resonates hard. I'm on a healing journey with my twin boys holding a mirror to my childhood wounds that cut deep but need soothing with buckets of compassion. Sleep... where do I even start on that one?! My boys are a little older but it can still be rocky coupled with some neurospiciness coming through in one of my twins.
Just know I'm sending love and solidarity.
Motherhood is messy myre with unsolicited family judgments of "should be doing...... " thrown in for good measure! Before children I used to control everything and after my children came along control was not the answer and this defence is a recipe for disaster. I commit to meet my boys where they are at and not where I think they should be.
It is the micromoments of joy and connection with my boys that keep me strong alongside keeping self compassion and gratitude at the fore.
So bloody grateful for this article and the supportive comments xx 🙏🏻
I am forever borrowing the word neurospiciness because my son has some of that as well. It took me a long time recognize that was probably a big part of why sleep was so hard for him, and me. I am grateful this post found you! I resonate with what you said about control, before my son it was how I responded to everything, and that defense fell apart in motherhood. If you loved this post, I think you’ll love the Unspoken Words series on my page where I ask moms to share what is hard for them in their current season of motherhood. A lot of the commenters on this post have written their own unspoken words!
I listened to your audio on my drive home this evening and I appreciate the essence of your voice, your continuous courage, and the emotion that’s present in your voice is a gift to witness.
The ‘perfect mum’ push back, oh yes hello rage, hearing your intelligence!
Ooof. I had similar trials with sleep with my firstborn. There are so many layers, but stumbling into motherhood is the experience many women have. What a gift to have so much support from mothers who have experienced this and are now sharing it openly for the next generation of moms.
I am glad to know I am not alone with sleep being so wild. There are a ton of layers. I am grateful to have women who share their experiences and to hold space for women who do.
Ah Emma, it was so beautiful and tender to listen to you. I felt every word and related to the anger and desperation of sleep-related stuff a low sleep needs baby/child. It was amazing to hear how you embarked on the journey of remothering yourself and the shifts you have felt as a result. You are doing such beautiful and important work dear one. Thank you for sharing your words and your voice xx
Thank you for reading and sharing your kind soul! A low sleep needs kid was not what I was expecting, and my fighting against it only made things harder. I am grateful for the work I did to be able to go with his flow more.
I know what you mean, the amount of times people said to me “they sleep all the time as newborns”, really never had that! It takes a lot to soften to it xx
Yeah, I never had that! It does take a lot to soften into it.
Thank you for sharing this Emma. I so relate to the grief and anger you speak of. I have got so angry at my son around sleep because I was so desperate for it... I've also noticed that I often get particularly angry when I feel I'm doing it 'wrong' and it's 'my fault' that he isn't sleeping - River goes to bed at 9:30pm and has ALWAYS gone to sleep late and I have felt, and still feel, surrounded by parents whose kids go to bed at the 'correct' time of 7:30. And I know it's because this is just River's rhythm and he's such an active kid, he's never needed that much sleep. But that voice that says 'you're doing it wrong' can be SO strong sometimes. I know I still have so much grief around how hard I've found motherhood, and sometimes it gets triggered in me... e.g. the other day someone who is expecting his first baby said to me, after I said how hard sleep deprivation is, 'oh, we'll get sleep, we have to get sleep' - as if it was something you could just 'choose' and I felt SO much rage because it felt like he was saying to me 'YOU obviously did it wrong, that's why your kid didn't sleep.'
I know this part of me that thinks I've done things 'wrong' is such a tender, wounded part and needs so much love. I'm so glad you also discovered self-compassion and a way to be more loving to yourself. I am still very much working on the being in my body piece. Are there any practices or approaches you find particularly helpful? x
Oh, I feel this comment. My son has NEVER needed a lot of sleep and I am now seeing that was part of my struggle with it too. I thought he SHOULD be sleeping more and my inability to make that happen was a reflection of me. Turns out, he is a very active kid and needs A LOT of movement, activity, and doing to be anywhere near tired. All this to say, I understand immensely, and it was hard in the beginning to not take it personally and as some sort of reflection of me as a mother.
For being in the body, outside of movement usually everyday, small practices I do are breathing and noticing my body, what sensations are present, what I feel and holding space for what I am noticing. Anything that feels grounding helps me too, I love laying in the grass, or using a weighted blanket, things that remind me I am in my body help a ton.
Thank you Emma these are great suggestions ❤️
You are so welcome <3
Oh Ellie, that voice is so harsh and unrelenting at times isn’t it. My daughter also goes to bed late, doesn’t nap in the day, she can go go go, and it’s infuriating sometimes, especially when I have skipped meditation and or workouts because it’s been a challenging parenting day, and so the resentment kicks in and often a cycle of anger.
My mum still holds guilt / pain around things she ‘didn’t do right’ with myself and my brothers and it’s devastating to watch, I’m so aware of the need for self-compassion as a constant practice, for all the reasons, including modelling it to my daughter.
Ahhh I can relate to so much of what you describe with your son and the anger and the sleep. I have had this with my second daughter even thought I had already been a Mother for three years when she came along. Now I still get triggered when she screams at night after we had many colicy/reflux nights of screaming. I have to work so so hard to regulate myself and don’t always get it ‘right’. Each child for me has mirrored different wounds to heal, and that’s been a lot to accept because I’ve not been the Mother I ‘thought’ I would be at any point. Compassion has had to be my only way because being critical and harsh with myself has only lead to more defensiveness and less regulation. It took me a while to realise that. Sending you love and gratitude for your words here. Xxx
I had a draft going for a while title, Not the mother I thought I would be. I completely understand and feel that. Compassion has also been my saving grace. Thank your for always thoughtfully commenting and sharing your experiences. I feel seen when you do!
I literally wrote a post titled that last year.., https://open.substack.com/pub/laurenbarber/p/i-am-not-the-mother-i-thought-i-would?r=cb2b6&utm_medium=ios xxx
I read it again, I love your writing, it warms my heart! I am not the mother I thought I would be, but the mother I am is much more honest and human.
Dear Emma: ❤️.
I’m grieving over my first year and a half or so of motherhood. It was not anything like I want/ed it to be. And I don’t think I’m going to have anymore babies. It feels like the opportunity to redeem some of the pain is evaporating.
Grief is such a hard thing to wrangle. Especially when there is no body to bury. While my story is not yours, your words encourage me to consider in what ways the first-year mother I was still needs compassion. Thank you for holding me as I hold you. ❤️
I may need to write this down somewhere...."Grief is such a hard thing to wrangle. Especially when there is no body to bury." It is beyond true, I feel that with my whole being. Thank you for sharing your truth and reminding me I am not alone in feeling this grief. I have a paid post going out on compassion this week, how timely! Thank you for being here and seeing me.
I really, really appreciated reading this post and all the comments. I also grieve the first year of motherhood and I hardly remember it. My mum always felt like the “quintessential” mum to me (caring, patient, selfless), and I somehow thought that would magically transfer to me. It did not. And I had a baby that cried and cried and cried, and would not sleep. I blamed myself - that I was too anxious and stressed and this was why she was so “difficult”. But now as a nearly 3 year old, I can see how much of this is just part of her personality. She is strong willed and insanely strong, always thinking and moving, and never goes to sleep before 9.30pm. I am the only one who can get her to sleep and it takes me an hour of her climbing all over me in a chair before she nods off. It’s exhausting but I’ve learnt it’s much less exhausting than fighting against it.
Thank you so much, Emma. Like others, I hope other new mums know they aren’t alone.
Our little ones sound similar. I thought it was me too, why my son wouldn’t sleep, but I’ve come to realize it is how he is and I could have been the calmest mom on the planet and he still probably would sleep the same. Thank you for being here. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
What I truly honored the most from this post, is the fact that you are cognizant of the learning process that we are all still in. Not like a guru who doesn’t struggle anymore and has seen the light. That really resonates with me. Thank you so much for this beautiful article.
You are so welcome. Definitely still in it and learning, motherhood is a journey.
Incredibly beautiful and relatable. The first year of motherhood was similar for me. I’ve been reflecting on it a lot as I prepare to have my second child in less than 2 months. The pain of my first 1-1.5 years of motherhood is so acute, there’s guilt and grief mixed in there. Fear of it happening again rising to the surface. This essay helped give words to some of my emotions and experiences of my first year.
Wishing you ease with your second. I have high hopes it will be different if I have another all the while being prepared for it to be the same. I am grateful it resonated with you. There is a lot of grief and guilt present for me as well. Thank you for reading.
High hopes while also prepared for it to be the same is essentially right where I am! I truly believe there’s a good chance it will be better. I can also see a path where I have another very, very hard year. Prayer is what I have right now!
Thank you for sharing.
I find as long as I know that I really don't know what will happen, I will be okay!
Thank you for sharing this. 🤍🤍
You’re welcome! Thank you for reading it.
Thank you for writing this! Sleep has always been a struggle for us - whether my son’s or mine, and while we’ve found things that work for us, it’s still (like you said) hovering under the surface. Even now, a few years later, I sometimes need to take a deep breath when I see sleep training advice that promises to solve the issue because it took me a long time to get past feeling like I failed and hate that other new moms are probably feeling the same way.
I feel this, I spent so long thinking it was a problem to be solved and the only thing that has shifted sleep was time! I know, I hate that other mother's are feeling the same way, I think it is so important to talk about it because I didn't have a lot of people to turn to who understood.
I am so utterly grateful I have found this post. I feel seen heard and comforted but your words and writing. In alignment with someone else's comment there are so many layers to this crazy stew of motherhood. Above all I am not the mother I thought I would be resonates hard. I'm on a healing journey with my twin boys holding a mirror to my childhood wounds that cut deep but need soothing with buckets of compassion. Sleep... where do I even start on that one?! My boys are a little older but it can still be rocky coupled with some neurospiciness coming through in one of my twins.
Just know I'm sending love and solidarity.
Motherhood is messy myre with unsolicited family judgments of "should be doing...... " thrown in for good measure! Before children I used to control everything and after my children came along control was not the answer and this defence is a recipe for disaster. I commit to meet my boys where they are at and not where I think they should be.
It is the micromoments of joy and connection with my boys that keep me strong alongside keeping self compassion and gratitude at the fore.
So bloody grateful for this article and the supportive comments xx 🙏🏻
I am forever borrowing the word neurospiciness because my son has some of that as well. It took me a long time recognize that was probably a big part of why sleep was so hard for him, and me. I am grateful this post found you! I resonate with what you said about control, before my son it was how I responded to everything, and that defense fell apart in motherhood. If you loved this post, I think you’ll love the Unspoken Words series on my page where I ask moms to share what is hard for them in their current season of motherhood. A lot of the commenters on this post have written their own unspoken words!
I listened to your audio on my drive home this evening and I appreciate the essence of your voice, your continuous courage, and the emotion that’s present in your voice is a gift to witness.
The ‘perfect mum’ push back, oh yes hello rage, hearing your intelligence!
Thank you for listening, it warms my heart!
Ooof. I had similar trials with sleep with my firstborn. There are so many layers, but stumbling into motherhood is the experience many women have. What a gift to have so much support from mothers who have experienced this and are now sharing it openly for the next generation of moms.
I am glad to know I am not alone with sleep being so wild. There are a ton of layers. I am grateful to have women who share their experiences and to hold space for women who do.