No right way to parent

Volume 15 of Unspoken Words: Eva Lydon

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

I am excited to introduce

Eva Lydon

, you can connect with her here.

About Eva

Forty-something divorced mum of two girls, now 14 and 8. Making my way through the teenager thing - that's new! Battling a chronic Autoimmune disease and perimenopause - that's fun! Basically just trying to do my best at life with patience, love and kindness... and with some newly found self-compassion.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I don't always "like" my children! I feel immediately compelled to follow that up with "of-course I love my children" which I do.. deep down. But I have to admit there are times when they behave a certain way that I'm like 'Ooo, you are such a dick!' In my head of-course, don't worry.

I'm hoping by being honest about this, I might alleviate someone else's guilt for ever feeling this way... or for swearing at them silently behind their back as they turn to leave the room. Anyone? No.. just me.. oh dear.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I used to judge other mums so badly.

Before I was a mum, I used be so quick to judge other mums (only ever in my head, luckily). I feel terrible now for the way I used to look at other mums out and about and be like 'what are they doing?' and 'that child clearly needs xyz' and 'I'm never going to do that when I'm a mum' and 'my child would never dream of behaving that way', etc, etc... you get the idea. Oh, how smug I was!

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

I enjoy my time away from them! The one 'perk' (shall we call it) of divorcing your children's dad (besides the fact that you don't have to live with a person that made you feel like shit every day just for being you!) is that you get a break! Even now (7 years later) it is hard to admit that I actually enjoy that time away from them. It sounds so bad saying it out loud, but I love it!

I get to recharge and have some time to be quiet and calm and think (and write). Time to assess where we are and what I could better as a mum. Time to reset and focus on areas that need work. Time to rest and care for myself! Something I have always struggled with, until I became ill and it became essential. Something I now know I HAVE to do if I am going to be the best mum I can be for my children.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

There is no "right" way to parent.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

I'm slightly confused by the word "season" here... do we mean season as in Spring, summer, etc... or season as in "stage"... like peri-menopausal with teenager? I think it might mean the latter, although for what it's worth, parenting in Spring in England is delightful!

This stage of motherhood for me is a mixed bag really... in one way I have started to "get my life back" as they say. Although I've never been keen on that phrase... somehow sounding like you were robbed of the best years of your life when you CHOSE to have children. Just doesn't sit right with me. Although I get it, in the sense that you are no longer required to give absolutely every waking minute to your children, and they can fend for themselves more. I'm not going to lie, that is really nice.

But it also feels strangely unsettling and you can be left feeling a bit lost or redundant at times. And... I'll admit, I haven't got the excuse of "the kids need me" anymore in relation to my endless procrastination with pursuing my (other) passions. The fear of failure or not being good enough must be conquered at long last and that is scary!

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

Always trust your instincts.

Do NOT read any parenting books!

Be KIND to yourself

Never feel guilty for too long...apologies (if you need to), assess what you need to do different (if anything) and LET IT GO!!

Ask for help.

Never regret anything, just learn from it.

What will be will be.

Allow yourself to rest and re-charge...you can't pour from an empty cup!

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

Just a lovely quote that has always stuck with me, about embracing the highs and lows of life...

"Everything will be alright in the end. So if it is not alright, it is not yet the end" The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - Film 2011

Thank you Eva for sharing your words with us.

Thank you for sharing your heart and your wisdom with us! I definitely do not like my son sometimes, our personalities clash immensely. I also need and enjoy being by myself, it has taken a lot of time to feel less guilty about this. Thank you for being part of this community.

Cassandra Lucas

your words will be shared next!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Eva sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.