So beautiful to read the behind the scenes thoughts and feelings other mothers. It feels like such a privilege to have these kinds of experiences out in the open. X
This is why I feel it is so important that we break the cycle and model self-care and being real in front of our children... so that they then don’t put so much pressure and unrealistic expectations on themselves when it’s their turn to be parents 👍😊
Thank you for including my words. I can't believe how powerful it is to read others' experiences and nod along vigorously. Having others articulate thoughts I didn't even realize I had is such a gift. It sparked even more investigation and writing for me over the past 24 hours... Thank you to all who contributed!
You are so welcome for sharing your words. I love that it sparked investigation and writing, that is one of my maybe secret intentions for this space, I hope it helps other reflect.
Oh Emma… this was like sitting in circle with you holding us all in our expression. I adore this piece and the effort you have gone to weave all of our words together. It’s such a gift.
I also was very surprised with how much surfaced for me about my own childhood when I read this.
I’m so grateful to you for following your spark and creating this series, and so grateful to all of the Mothers who have shared in the piece and in the comments. Xxx
Thank you for bringing this all together Emma. It's so great to read your and other mother's experiences of what our expectations were. So much commonality - I really resonate with those who shared how they thought they would be good at it and love it - but it's also so interesting to read other people's thoughts who DID have an idea of how it would be, but that that in itself either didn't leave room for all the wonderful things, or it still didn't give a clear idea of what it would involve... I have to say that I think I did hear from lots of people, or read, that it would be really hard but I chose (consciously and unconsciously) not to REALLY hear it because I was so sure I wanted a child. And I'd often think 'oh, it's hard for them, but it won't be hard for me'. Like when I read that stat that nearly 70% of couples report being less happy in their relationship in the first 3 years after having a child I thought I'd be in the 30% who didn't feel that way!
I really look forward to reading the other posts in this series x
I agree Ellie… I heard so many people saying how ‘hard’ it was but I thought I would somehow be immune to it because I’d done so much ‘work’ on myself! Little did I know!!!!!
I thought that too about a child impacting the relationship, I was gravely mistaken. It took us a lot time to sort it all out, it’s definitely another topic I am thinking about collecting other’s words on!
Keep that in mind, I am going to do another poll in June for next topic, and open a form around the solstice! I'm curious to see if others want to share about this.
Apr 13Liked by Lauren Barber, Marika Páez Wiesen, Sarina Zoe, Emma Del Rey, Eva Lydon
I love the way that reading this has sparked so much conversation within my own head and made me reflect on what my expectations were. I grew up always around kids, having kids (and lots of them) was the norm in my community. I saw a lot of the realities of motherhood, but like you’ve mentioned in this article, I didn’t properly see the mother. I assumed the mother was being cherished, the biggest thing I was not prepared for was for how overlooked my needs would be by those close to me and society in general.
Ugh, I hear you on the overlooked needs. It was really hard for me to understand why no one care about what was happening to me. I find here in the US, at least, part of that is because we are taught and shown women are expected to carry on after having a baby, no problem. But that is the furthest thing from the truth.
Apr 13Liked by Lauren Barber, Sarina Zoe, Emma Del Rey
Yeah, I think it’s pretty similar in Australia. I remember my husband being in awe of me for the first few days after giving birth and then it wearing off pretty quickly and asking me what’s for dinner.
We as a culture celebrate those woman who win races while on their period and who ‘bounce back’ so quickly after birth.
It is wild because I am a woman who loves to rest on her period, although I can’t imagine running a race in any state. Regardless, the messaging is to keep moving on.
Apr 12Liked by Lauren Barber, Marika Páez Wiesen, Sarina Zoe, Emma Del Rey, Eva Lydon
This was such a brilliant collection of words and experiences. I resonated with so much of what was said. I really had no idea about the realities of mothering and as per Ellie’s closing words, was under the impression that children slotted into life and you just carried on with what you were doing after a short break. It seems that the opposite is true and I feel as though only now 4 years into mothering am I figuring out how I want my life to look alongside having children xx
I do think 4 years feels like a typical learning curve! Kind of like college or high school, a developmental period that entails a 180 degree transformation? My kids are just coming out of elementary period and will soon both be middle schoolers, so the whole thing is evolving and shifting again!
Apr 15Liked by Lauren Barber, Marika Páez Wiesen, Ellie Nova
Ah that’s such an interesting point. Learning and life stages take time to figure out. It is strange how it is assumed that we will have figured out the biggest shift in our lives and identities in weeks or months. It’s lovely to hear from you a chapter or two ahead of these early years xx
Yes, when we let go of the idea that children need to fit into out lives and let ourselves figure out what life looks like alongside them, there is so much room for beauty and peace.
I feel so resonant with this… I suddenly am coming to a point of making peace with the merging of all parts of me and not being a woman with children, but truly accepting myself as Mother in its entirety. Xx
Yesssss it is such a process but I really think that working to integrate all of it as much as possible is our way into feeling the most fullness (alongside everything else we are often feeling!) xx
Apr 13Liked by Lauren Barber, Marika Páez Wiesen, Sarina Zoe, Emma Del Rey, Eva Lydon
I love what you're doing here, Emma. What a powerful collective, and a gorgeous compilation of truth. Bravo.
My expectations... I was 44 when I had my twins, and because I'd had five years of IVF, I'd become entirely focused on the process and spent little time thinking about what it would be like to actually have babies. It was like babies were the end goal, not the very beginning! Man, I had no idea what was coming... 🤣
Thank you for bringing us all together in this truth-telling, supportive community 💕
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am not sure anyone has any idea what is coming, ESPECIALLY when it is twins. Thank you for being here and being part of this community.
I think this is very common when pregnancy has been a struggle. You think as long as you get "your prize", the rest will figure itself out. Then a year or 2 later, when the struggle is absolutely real, and the hard times of conception are in the rearview, you can start to wonder what you were wanting and wishing for so badly all that time... Or at least, that's how it was for me! I have a friend who also suffered several pregnancy losses and occasionally we text each other at random times out of the blue, "Remember when this was what we wanted more than anything?"
Apr 14Liked by Lauren Barber, Marika Páez Wiesen, Sarina Zoe
It's so good to hear that I'm not the only one. I fought so hard to have my babies, and in the hard times since I've had them I've sometimes wondered what spell I was under to make me think it was necessary to upend my beautiful life. I love my boys so much but the hard times... The hard times are really hard.
Apr 18Liked by Lauren Barber, Emma Del Rey, Eva Lydon
Wow, I love everything about this post. I’ve only been a mom for 6 months, but being surprised by the “emotional excavation required” resonates so much. I’m learning not only how to nurture my baby, but also how to nurture myself for the first time.
I also grew up with a stay at home mom, so navigating my identity & balance as a working mom feels incredibly confusing. I’m slowly having to let go of the myth that I can “have it all” in my work & parenting worlds.
You are definitely in the right place, I talk a lot about the emotional excavation here. Thank you for joining this community, I am happy to have you here.
Gosh, we’re all in it, aren’t we? All those words sound like thoughts in my head at one point or another. Sending love ❤️
We are all in it, we are all in it together.
So beautiful to read the behind the scenes thoughts and feelings other mothers. It feels like such a privilege to have these kinds of experiences out in the open. X
I agree! It’s such a relief to have a space to share truthfully xx
There is something special and healing about talking about all this out in the open.
This is why I feel it is so important that we break the cycle and model self-care and being real in front of our children... so that they then don’t put so much pressure and unrealistic expectations on themselves when it’s their turn to be parents 👍😊
I so agree
Yes to modeling what it is like to be human and have human experiences.
Oh gosh yes!!! Imagine how different it could be for them?!? X
Thank you for including my words. I can't believe how powerful it is to read others' experiences and nod along vigorously. Having others articulate thoughts I didn't even realize I had is such a gift. It sparked even more investigation and writing for me over the past 24 hours... Thank you to all who contributed!
You are so welcome for sharing your words. I love that it sparked investigation and writing, that is one of my maybe secret intentions for this space, I hope it helps other reflect.
Oh Emma… this was like sitting in circle with you holding us all in our expression. I adore this piece and the effort you have gone to weave all of our words together. It’s such a gift.
I also was very surprised with how much surfaced for me about my own childhood when I read this.
I’m so grateful to you for following your spark and creating this series, and so grateful to all of the Mothers who have shared in the piece and in the comments. Xxx
I am on Day 2 of my bleed and this has me crying. Thank you for seeing me and what I am doing here, thank you for contributing <3
Thank you for bringing this all together Emma. It's so great to read your and other mother's experiences of what our expectations were. So much commonality - I really resonate with those who shared how they thought they would be good at it and love it - but it's also so interesting to read other people's thoughts who DID have an idea of how it would be, but that that in itself either didn't leave room for all the wonderful things, or it still didn't give a clear idea of what it would involve... I have to say that I think I did hear from lots of people, or read, that it would be really hard but I chose (consciously and unconsciously) not to REALLY hear it because I was so sure I wanted a child. And I'd often think 'oh, it's hard for them, but it won't be hard for me'. Like when I read that stat that nearly 70% of couples report being less happy in their relationship in the first 3 years after having a child I thought I'd be in the 30% who didn't feel that way!
I really look forward to reading the other posts in this series x
I agree Ellie… I heard so many people saying how ‘hard’ it was but I thought I would somehow be immune to it because I’d done so much ‘work’ on myself! Little did I know!!!!!
I thought that too about a child impacting the relationship, I was gravely mistaken. It took us a lot time to sort it all out, it’s definitely another topic I am thinking about collecting other’s words on!
There is so much I could say on this!!!!!!
Keep that in mind, I am going to do another poll in June for next topic, and open a form around the solstice! I'm curious to see if others want to share about this.
I love the way that reading this has sparked so much conversation within my own head and made me reflect on what my expectations were. I grew up always around kids, having kids (and lots of them) was the norm in my community. I saw a lot of the realities of motherhood, but like you’ve mentioned in this article, I didn’t properly see the mother. I assumed the mother was being cherished, the biggest thing I was not prepared for was for how overlooked my needs would be by those close to me and society in general.
Ugh, I hear you on the overlooked needs. It was really hard for me to understand why no one care about what was happening to me. I find here in the US, at least, part of that is because we are taught and shown women are expected to carry on after having a baby, no problem. But that is the furthest thing from the truth.
Yeah, I think it’s pretty similar in Australia. I remember my husband being in awe of me for the first few days after giving birth and then it wearing off pretty quickly and asking me what’s for dinner.
We as a culture celebrate those woman who win races while on their period and who ‘bounce back’ so quickly after birth.
It is wild because I am a woman who loves to rest on her period, although I can’t imagine running a race in any state. Regardless, the messaging is to keep moving on.
Ooooof yes Tansie. The invisibility that happens when you become a Mother took me totally by surprise. X
This was such a brilliant collection of words and experiences. I resonated with so much of what was said. I really had no idea about the realities of mothering and as per Ellie’s closing words, was under the impression that children slotted into life and you just carried on with what you were doing after a short break. It seems that the opposite is true and I feel as though only now 4 years into mothering am I figuring out how I want my life to look alongside having children xx
I do think 4 years feels like a typical learning curve! Kind of like college or high school, a developmental period that entails a 180 degree transformation? My kids are just coming out of elementary period and will soon both be middle schoolers, so the whole thing is evolving and shifting again!
Ah that’s such an interesting point. Learning and life stages take time to figure out. It is strange how it is assumed that we will have figured out the biggest shift in our lives and identities in weeks or months. It’s lovely to hear from you a chapter or two ahead of these early years xx
Yes, when we let go of the idea that children need to fit into out lives and let ourselves figure out what life looks like alongside them, there is so much room for beauty and peace.
Yes you’re right, living our lives with children deserves and requires a total reframe xx
I feel so resonant with this… I suddenly am coming to a point of making peace with the merging of all parts of me and not being a woman with children, but truly accepting myself as Mother in its entirety. Xx
Yesssss it is such a process but I really think that working to integrate all of it as much as possible is our way into feeling the most fullness (alongside everything else we are often feeling!) xx
Love how you’re bringing together all these voices. It is powerful to hear the collective village coming together and sharing the realities!
Yes, it feels so powerful to read it all at one too.
This is such a powerful piece. I resonate with so much of it. Thank you for sharing these experiences
You are so welcome! Thank you for joining this space, I am happy to have you.
I love what you're doing here, Emma. What a powerful collective, and a gorgeous compilation of truth. Bravo.
My expectations... I was 44 when I had my twins, and because I'd had five years of IVF, I'd become entirely focused on the process and spent little time thinking about what it would be like to actually have babies. It was like babies were the end goal, not the very beginning! Man, I had no idea what was coming... 🤣
Thank you for bringing us all together in this truth-telling, supportive community 💕
I’ve heard this from friends who’ve been on a similar journey with IVF x
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am not sure anyone has any idea what is coming, ESPECIALLY when it is twins. Thank you for being here and being part of this community.
I think this is very common when pregnancy has been a struggle. You think as long as you get "your prize", the rest will figure itself out. Then a year or 2 later, when the struggle is absolutely real, and the hard times of conception are in the rearview, you can start to wonder what you were wanting and wishing for so badly all that time... Or at least, that's how it was for me! I have a friend who also suffered several pregnancy losses and occasionally we text each other at random times out of the blue, "Remember when this was what we wanted more than anything?"
It's so good to hear that I'm not the only one. I fought so hard to have my babies, and in the hard times since I've had them I've sometimes wondered what spell I was under to make me think it was necessary to upend my beautiful life. I love my boys so much but the hard times... The hard times are really hard.
Wow, I love everything about this post. I’ve only been a mom for 6 months, but being surprised by the “emotional excavation required” resonates so much. I’m learning not only how to nurture my baby, but also how to nurture myself for the first time.
I also grew up with a stay at home mom, so navigating my identity & balance as a working mom feels incredibly confusing. I’m slowly having to let go of the myth that I can “have it all” in my work & parenting worlds.
Can’t wait to read more of this series!
You are definitely in the right place, I talk a lot about the emotional excavation here. Thank you for joining this community, I am happy to have you here.