Emma I’m so glad there’s a different offering here to this thing of ‘its all worth it’, which we are often told before having kids.
I asked myself many times during really hard times when my dauber laughed or smiled if this is the ‘it’s all worth it’ they spoke about, and it often wasn’t a yes.
It’s true, there’s co-existing truths and emotions, so many of them, ‘a host of others’
I choose my words very carefully with friends who don’t have kids, I certainly don’t want to parrot a lot of the habitual talk.
These openings from mamas are so necessary to shifting the same old same old mother talk. X
I’m so grateful to everyone sharing so openly. I have to say, it’s an experience to read my own words back like this. That is an exercise, in and of itself.
You said something I think about all the time, mostly because people ask, “it’s worth it, right?” I got asked that at a standup show by a comedian. In my head I was like “Sir, unless you have 2 hours for my response, get the fuck out of here with that question.” Instead I responded, “it’s all the things.”
I don’t think that is the right question. It asks us to abandon our self and the suffering we experienced, that we did not have to experience. It’s the result of a broken system that expects us to answer that question with, “of course it’s worth it” so nothing has to change.
I want to be a mother to my son AND I wish I never had to feel the depths of the pain I felt in becoming that. Period.
Sending a hug in solidarity with all the mommas. I know not everyone experiences the toughness described here and I’m so glad there are some who don’t. It shows it doesn’t have to be like this.
Wow your comment hit me. I literally had someone who I hadn’t talked to since becoming a mother say “oh, you just love it” and I felt exactly what you said, the question asks me to abandon myself because it is something I love so much AND it is so fucking hard and it doesn’t need to be this way.
Oh gosh Kaitlyn, this is along the same lines as the 'enjoy every minute' piece that people who had children in a different generation say... such a multi-layered question... is it worth it?? Sometimes I absolutely truly believe it is, and then other times I question how much of myself I have had to sacrifice and that feeling of sadness is so big it hits like a tidal wave. As you say... 'it's all the things'. These phrases that people say are like a cultural story that gets told over and over and they really needed to be unravelled. x
Thank you for sharing these words Emma. It is comforting to read others experiences being so similar to mine, and I also feel huge amounts of grief and anger that so many of us find early motherhood so shocking and brutal.
Yes the grief over it being so shocking is overwhelming at times. And it has made me feel like such a 'failure' in moments when I can't quite reach self compassion. xx
This is such a beautiful weaving once again Emma! Thank you! What you speak to in the inner child piece is absolutely one of the under discussed things about motherhood… and I don’t get why because it’s been the most painful and difficult part for me. It surfaces every day in some way!! That in itself is exhausting. I’m so grateful to all the Mothers who have shared and for you pulling us all together. Xxx
I wonder if a big part of it is because we are taught to sit with ourselves and our feelings. At least I wasn’t. I wonder if parenting may be slightly easier for our children because we showed them and taught them how to feel what is rising in their bodies. That’s my hope.
May 5Liked by Lauren Barber, Ellie Nova, Emma Del Rey, Eva Lydon
It’s actually insane when you think about it. As a mother you are literally keeping the human race alive! And trying to raise humans which it hopefully fuck up the world less than our ancestors. WE NEED MEDALS!
It is crazy how much the “stay at home parent” (hate that term) is undervalued! Just because there is no salary, it is immeasurable in society.. why?! If anything it should be valued and celebrated the most.. to do all that we do AND without pay! I used to hate that “when are you going back to work” question.. I felt like screaming back at them.. “I AM working.. 24 hours a fucking day!” 🙄😆 If you’re a nanny, that is an acceptable profession (because it has a salary), but if you’re a parent, you are not valued in the same way and must have another profession to make you “worth” enough in the eyes of others.. even though you do the job of a nanny.. and more intensely and for triple the hours.. for FREE! Whaaaaaaaat! 🤣
May 5Liked by Lauren Barber, Ellie Nova, Emma Del Rey, Eva Lydon
I feel like one of the most disappointing parts of motherhood for me was seeing how undervalued I became. I was all of a sudden “just a mum” the government did not count me as working, my husband did not count me as working, I got asked constantly when I would go back to work.
I was shocked that there was no reverence for raising a child.
I also never imagined the sleep deprivation would be as bad as it was. I knew there would be sleepless nights, but my first NEVER slept and the dreams I had of being the mother who was always energetic and playing on the floor and going on adventures started to crack at the edges as time went on. I thought I would be the mother everyone went to for advice, not the mother being informed by another mum that my baby was rolling towards a stream…
I hear you on the lack of sleep and how that shifts the mother you thought you would be into something else entirely. Raising a child is a completely unseen act, it’s wild. I find it to be such an important task.
Totally hear you on both of these... the sleep deprivation this second time round has floored me and made me question my capabilities many times. And the lack of value... this is so deeply engrained - although I have to say when a few people have asked me recently 'what I do?' I have started to say I am a Mother... before going into sharing about any of my paid work... because I want to put that at the top of the 'list' as it is the most consuming and important thing that I do . I have actually been met with words that validate just how much 'hard work' being a Mum is. So maybe... maybe there is some little glimmers of hope for changing narratives?? xx
May 28Liked by Lauren Barber, Ellie Nova, Sarina Zoe, Emma Del Rey
Oh how I wish I had this gorgeous circle of truth speaking mamas 12 years ago. All of these beautiful words, weaving love and acknowledgment and worthiness through each others’ hearts. This is such important work. Mothering, yes, the most important work of all. But mothering the mothers…oh it is everything. And especially for those of us - sounds like we are sisters in this Emma - who were never mothered ourselves. Mothering the un-mothered mothers. I am drowning in countless half written essays about this. Perhaps another topic to circle around Emma..?
Thank you for your kind comment. I’m slowly, slowly working on a book where I am weaving stories of un-mothered women, I would love to talk to you if it interest you. And yes, this general topic is on the list. I have a poll coming out in this weeks post and I believe the top choice is mothering ourselves, it is very close to my heart.
Wonderful! Yes I would love to talk to you! I have so much to say about that. I wrote a sticky to myself back then “Mother You First” as a reminder that mothering had to begin with me if I had any hope in hell of not screwing them up in the same way I was. (Naturally, I’ve found myriad other ways to screw them up but that’s for another day 😆). This topic so dear to me as well, let’s definitely chat. ☺️💗
I will send you a message through here. Yeah, that is the reality of motherhood, we find other ways, but I often think my son has a hell of a better start than I did and even how I mess him up will be a lot easier to deal with than what I went through!
Emma I’m so glad there’s a different offering here to this thing of ‘its all worth it’, which we are often told before having kids.
I asked myself many times during really hard times when my dauber laughed or smiled if this is the ‘it’s all worth it’ they spoke about, and it often wasn’t a yes.
It’s true, there’s co-existing truths and emotions, so many of them, ‘a host of others’
I choose my words very carefully with friends who don’t have kids, I certainly don’t want to parrot a lot of the habitual talk.
These openings from mamas are so necessary to shifting the same old same old mother talk. X
Thank you! These openings are so necessary. Like Kaitlyn said in her comment above, there is so much more to motherhood than it being worth it.
I’m so grateful to everyone sharing so openly. I have to say, it’s an experience to read my own words back like this. That is an exercise, in and of itself.
You said something I think about all the time, mostly because people ask, “it’s worth it, right?” I got asked that at a standup show by a comedian. In my head I was like “Sir, unless you have 2 hours for my response, get the fuck out of here with that question.” Instead I responded, “it’s all the things.”
I don’t think that is the right question. It asks us to abandon our self and the suffering we experienced, that we did not have to experience. It’s the result of a broken system that expects us to answer that question with, “of course it’s worth it” so nothing has to change.
I want to be a mother to my son AND I wish I never had to feel the depths of the pain I felt in becoming that. Period.
Sending a hug in solidarity with all the mommas. I know not everyone experiences the toughness described here and I’m so glad there are some who don’t. It shows it doesn’t have to be like this.
Wow your comment hit me. I literally had someone who I hadn’t talked to since becoming a mother say “oh, you just love it” and I felt exactly what you said, the question asks me to abandon myself because it is something I love so much AND it is so fucking hard and it doesn’t need to be this way.
Oh gosh Kaitlyn, this is along the same lines as the 'enjoy every minute' piece that people who had children in a different generation say... such a multi-layered question... is it worth it?? Sometimes I absolutely truly believe it is, and then other times I question how much of myself I have had to sacrifice and that feeling of sadness is so big it hits like a tidal wave. As you say... 'it's all the things'. These phrases that people say are like a cultural story that gets told over and over and they really needed to be unravelled. x
Thank you for sharing these words Emma. It is comforting to read others experiences being so similar to mine, and I also feel huge amounts of grief and anger that so many of us find early motherhood so shocking and brutal.
Yes the grief over it being so shocking is overwhelming at times. And it has made me feel like such a 'failure' in moments when I can't quite reach self compassion. xx
Yes, I feel the anger too that so many of us shared similar feelings at the start of motherhood.
This is such a beautiful weaving once again Emma! Thank you! What you speak to in the inner child piece is absolutely one of the under discussed things about motherhood… and I don’t get why because it’s been the most painful and difficult part for me. It surfaces every day in some way!! That in itself is exhausting. I’m so grateful to all the Mothers who have shared and for you pulling us all together. Xxx
I wonder if a big part of it is because we are taught to sit with ourselves and our feelings. At least I wasn’t. I wonder if parenting may be slightly easier for our children because we showed them and taught them how to feel what is rising in their bodies. That’s my hope.
I hope so. But phewf... doing the work for ourselves and them is A LOT!! xx
It’s actually insane when you think about it. As a mother you are literally keeping the human race alive! And trying to raise humans which it hopefully fuck up the world less than our ancestors. WE NEED MEDALS!
It is crazy how much the “stay at home parent” (hate that term) is undervalued! Just because there is no salary, it is immeasurable in society.. why?! If anything it should be valued and celebrated the most.. to do all that we do AND without pay! I used to hate that “when are you going back to work” question.. I felt like screaming back at them.. “I AM working.. 24 hours a fucking day!” 🙄😆 If you’re a nanny, that is an acceptable profession (because it has a salary), but if you’re a parent, you are not valued in the same way and must have another profession to make you “worth” enough in the eyes of others.. even though you do the job of a nanny.. and more intensely and for triple the hours.. for FREE! Whaaaaaaaat! 🤣
It really makes NO sense at all when you lay it out like that.
I feel like one of the most disappointing parts of motherhood for me was seeing how undervalued I became. I was all of a sudden “just a mum” the government did not count me as working, my husband did not count me as working, I got asked constantly when I would go back to work.
I was shocked that there was no reverence for raising a child.
I also never imagined the sleep deprivation would be as bad as it was. I knew there would be sleepless nights, but my first NEVER slept and the dreams I had of being the mother who was always energetic and playing on the floor and going on adventures started to crack at the edges as time went on. I thought I would be the mother everyone went to for advice, not the mother being informed by another mum that my baby was rolling towards a stream…
I hear you on the lack of sleep and how that shifts the mother you thought you would be into something else entirely. Raising a child is a completely unseen act, it’s wild. I find it to be such an important task.
Totally hear you on both of these... the sleep deprivation this second time round has floored me and made me question my capabilities many times. And the lack of value... this is so deeply engrained - although I have to say when a few people have asked me recently 'what I do?' I have started to say I am a Mother... before going into sharing about any of my paid work... because I want to put that at the top of the 'list' as it is the most consuming and important thing that I do . I have actually been met with words that validate just how much 'hard work' being a Mum is. So maybe... maybe there is some little glimmers of hope for changing narratives?? xx
Oh how I wish I had this gorgeous circle of truth speaking mamas 12 years ago. All of these beautiful words, weaving love and acknowledgment and worthiness through each others’ hearts. This is such important work. Mothering, yes, the most important work of all. But mothering the mothers…oh it is everything. And especially for those of us - sounds like we are sisters in this Emma - who were never mothered ourselves. Mothering the un-mothered mothers. I am drowning in countless half written essays about this. Perhaps another topic to circle around Emma..?
Thank you for your kind comment. I’m slowly, slowly working on a book where I am weaving stories of un-mothered women, I would love to talk to you if it interest you. And yes, this general topic is on the list. I have a poll coming out in this weeks post and I believe the top choice is mothering ourselves, it is very close to my heart.
Wonderful! Yes I would love to talk to you! I have so much to say about that. I wrote a sticky to myself back then “Mother You First” as a reminder that mothering had to begin with me if I had any hope in hell of not screwing them up in the same way I was. (Naturally, I’ve found myriad other ways to screw them up but that’s for another day 😆). This topic so dear to me as well, let’s definitely chat. ☺️💗
I will send you a message through here. Yeah, that is the reality of motherhood, we find other ways, but I often think my son has a hell of a better start than I did and even how I mess him up will be a lot easier to deal with than what I went through!