Sharing the burden of it all

Volume 11 of Unspoken Words: Kylie-Ann

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

I am excited to introduce

Kylie-Ann

, you can connect with her here.

About Kylie-Ann

I am a reluctant (mostly) stay-at-home-mum of two boys, aged 2 and 4. Alongside motherhood, I am a freelance branding and packaging designer and writer of Distracted on Substack. I write about life through the lens of motherhood, with personal essays that promise to be honest and unfiltered. I also love writing fiction.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

The thing that was hard to admit at first about motherhood is that I didn't really sign up for this or at least, I am not sure that this is what I wanted. I think there is so much about motherhood that is unknown and of course life unfurls as children grow and situations change. I always said to my partner that I would be happy to be the stay-at-home parent, if it came to that (in truth, I always imagined they would be in nursery most of the time) but I am not sure that is what I wanted at all.

It's easy to say perhaps in hindsight that I didn't really know what I was signing up to and especially since having our second child, the task has not only got monumentally more difficult, but my childcare support is minimal because it just became unaffordable for me to work with two children in full-time daycare. It is hard to admit that whilst I love spending time with my children, I spend too much time with them and I would prefer to be working a little bit more, to create a better balance between work and motherhood.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

My children bore me. All children are boring right? It isn't just mine, probably. I am not a fan of pretend games and I couldn't care less about diggers and cars. I find pushing cars around the floor tedious. Perhaps it is me that is the problem, but I spend my days with them wishing I was somewhere else.

This comes down to the fact that I need a better balance of work, I think I need that stimulation and the creativity of working, thinking even. It's hard to admit I feel this way but it is mostly the reason why Distracted was born. I needed a creative outlet, somewhere to vent my frustrations and share my honest experiences of motherhood.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

Motherhood has taught me that creativity is imperative to my existence. I have learned so much about myself in these years, what my limits are and where my passions lie. Through having that limited time, it has been harder than ever to prioritise writing or sketching, two hobbies of mine, really, yet I have done it, more so than ever before. I have found time because I know now that not only are they important to me, they are necessary.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

I am in the season of fighting toddlers, so I feel like a referee on the pitch, or the manager anxiously biting my nails, tense and on edge. I shout at the players and try to encourage fair play but I am always on the losing team and frequently have to pull a player off the pitch, either as a result of injury or they have been red-carded for foul play. I struggle so much with this season because I always feel like I can do no right and that any efforts at gentler parenting I make are undone when I inevitably lose it. It's been hard but I know it's not forever.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

I think what has helped me hugely this year in particular is to talk. I share my experiences in Distracted and that helps to share with a community that get it and who share their similar experiences, which make me feel less alone, but in person it has helped too.

When I had my first son, we were in lockdown from when he was 4 months old and having no one but my partner to talk to was hard, I find going to toddler and mum groups invaluable now and I vent to anyone who will listen. It helps to share the burden of it all, because we do carry so much as mums, having a head full of negative thoughts isn't helpful.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

In motherhood there has been a huge amount of change: my identity has morphed and moulded, my priorities have changed and my relationships have changed. I have not found these changes easy to accept sometimes and often I feel invisible in a society, which doesn't value the contribution I am making by raising my sons, but I have not disappeared.

I think understanding that the process of this shift into motherhood takes time and accompanies physical changes is helpful, that the identity shift is normal and to be expected and actually it isn't all bad. Whilst I may have lost things in becoming a mother, I have gained so much and uncovered so much about myself and I know there is more to come as this journey continues, I can see myself growing even more in the years to come.

Thank you Kylie-Ann for sharing your words with us.

I do not think any of us know what we are getting into when we become pregnant and then a mother. Each journey is wildly unique and also hauntingly similar. Thank you for sharing your reality with us because some days, I am bored and itching to write. Some days, I am more content to play with my son but space for my creativity and existence has become paramount.

Natasha Page

your words will be shared next!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Kylie-Ann sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.