I just started EMDR therapy today after a birth that was very similar to yours - early waters break, pitocin… except mine ended with an assisted delivery rather than c-section. I then haemorrhaged badly and spent a week in hospital being gaslit by doctors. But the common thread was my resistance to what was coming - I didn’t want it…
I’m so grateful to read the story of someone who is a few years ahead of me in terms of the recovery and healing process. It shows me that there is hope!
Oh, and I also have a firecracker toddler - and I wonder what he was trying to tell me as he emerged into the world after a 7 hour labour (first time, start to finish!!)…!!
Holly, I am certain these words came flowing out of me because of a powerful EMDR session I did around my son’s birth a few months ago. I hope your therapy serves you in whatever way you need, EMDR was immensely powerful for me and it was huge piece of me returning to myself.
I am sorry your birth experience was horrible. I was resistance too and it definitely showed up in my birthing experience. I am curious what he was trying to tell you, is he fast paced? My labor was 36 hours start to finish which is very indicative of my son, he does this how and when he wants too.
Thanks for sharing Emma. I’ve heard from so many people how powerful EMDR has been for them, so I’m hopeful 🙏
Ahh, my son *does not stop*. Like ever. He’s always on the go! Perhaps he just started as he meant to go on with his birth 😂 I’ve never thought about it like that…!
What a powerful piece. I hate how it’s the standard to stoke doubt and fear in pregnant people who are in THE MOST vulnerable state. My first OB undermined my decisions right to the end and added so much unnecessary stress. I’m sorry you felt unseen during your birth. The fact that you emerged from the experience with the resolve to listen to your body above all else is proof of your resilience. Your son chose his mom wisely!
Thank you, you are so kind. It is a terrible standard and I hate that it is true. I am sorry that was your experience, it does add so much unnecessary stress.
Oh Emma what a beautiful and tender piece, thank you for sharing your birth story. I find a lot of healing within hearing other’s birthing journeys. The lack of trust played a huge part in my births, more so in the first in many ways than my second, even though my second was further away than what I wanted in so many ways. I’ve had a half written draft of Vesper’s story there for ages but reading your words has inspired me to finish it.
I also think that it’s no coincidence that you are feeling able to write this two years on, with matrescence taking around/at least two years to move through.
These little beings certainly do give us the lessons we need rather than the lessons we want.
Honouring you and Robbie for two years. Lots of love. Xx
Yes, the give us the lesson we need rather than what we want. I love that this inspired you, I would be honored to read your birth story, I find it so inspiring and healing to read other people’s birth stories. Thank you for seeing me and honoring us.
So touching. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish women were taught how to trust themselves, encouraged to trust themselves in labor. I just recently wrote in my journal about how my biggest fear was not knowing what was going to happen in labor. In hindsight I realize this isn’t something to fear, it’s a call to embrace the unknown and give space to possibility. Like you say above, having your son opened the door to healing. Your note to your son at the end is so powerful!
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I agree it isn’t something to fear but it is down right terrifying if we have no experience embracing the unknown. I am also excited if I choose to have another because I feel I could navigate the unknown with a lot more ease!
Hi Emma, thank you very much for sharing this powerful piece. I'm so glad to hear that you had the opportunity to tell your story and find healing in therapy.
Birth trauma is at the heart of my work as a perinatal CBT clinician, and I believe first-time mums are especially vulnerable to being convinced to do things (like just "popping" to the hospital), as they're often unaware of how maternity systems can operate.
It's incredibly brave of you to share your story here, Emma. Wishing you all the best on your healing journey!
Yeah, first time moms are definitely more vulnerable to being convinced to do things they may not want because it is all knew. I thought I was well prepared with information and all the decisions I would face, but knowing is not the same as being able to set boundaries and honor oneself.
How you're treated by the people around you makes so much difference. My first birth, on the face of it, could have been really stressful - my daughter was 2 weeks late, my waters partially broke but labour didn't start so I had to be induced, then she got stuck on my pelvic bone, she did everything she could to resist coming out, her heart rate was dropping and I had to be taken to theatre for them to use forceps to finally bring her into the world. But because everyone, from the midwives to the doctors to the anesthesiologist to the orderlies, was so flipping LOVELY and calm and supportive, it all felt really positive and magical. The second time, the birth was much more straightforward and should have been less problematic, but because most of the staff I dealt with were cold and unpleasant, and because I and my son didn't get the care we needed, it was actually deeply traumatic. It sounds like you had similar unfeeling care, and I'm so sorry. You deserved better. Please don't feel like you failed, though. There's so much pressure right now on women to deliver "naturally" and to feel like they've somehow let down or even damaged their children if they have interventions. Before these interventions existed, so many women and children died during birth. We're so lucky to have access to them, making use of them is absolutely the right thing to do for our children when they need them. You're a hero for bringing your son into the world and for giving him the love he needs as he grows, and that's it. Every mother deserves kindness, compassion and warmth whatever her birth journey, and if they get that then every type of birth can be beautiful. It's when we don't get that that it causes us suffering.
Gosh, this is such an important piece of it...I definitely didn't get warm and loving care and it can make such a different. There is so much pressure to birth naturally and I really put that on myself, I don't think I feel like I failed, but I do wish I could have felt more like an active participant in all of it instead of everything just seeming to happen the way it did.
I think just feeling like we're centred in the decisions really matters. With my first, the midwife kept talking to me about what they were planning, she included me in the decision, she respected my input. The second time they talked down to me and just told me what was happening. Even little things like, the first time they called me Allegra, like I was a person in my own right, but the second time they kept calling me "mum" until I started to wonder if they'd forgotten my name!
How interesting, it all makes me think about how much more I am prepared to do it another time around. It is so sad when people talk to someone in a way that is dehumanizes, especially in such a vulnerable and important situation.
What a story. Hugs. What’s the drink/oil for? We don’t have that here in the UK. Once your waters break, gush or trickle, you go in straight away because of fear of cord prolapse.
It was so powerful (and heart-wrenching) to listen to you read your story. As a first-time pregnant mom, can I ask what drink you were forced to drink?
Emma, this story hit me in many ways. I’m finding it difficult to articulate the how and the what. Perhaps because I haven’t yet seen the bigger picture of my own birth story (I have two, now. But I almost died after the second and there was just so much trauma surrounding the occasion.) I’m so glad you made something of what you did not want. Gives me hope I may be able to do the same.
It takes time and I definitely took a lot of processing it through, sitting with it, crying, etc. I am glad it hit you, I am sure that is helping something shift.
I was on the verge of tears reading this and lost it by the end when you included the note to your son. Thank you for sharing this story — I hope releasing this out into the world has helped you feel even more healing and catharsis 🩷
Oh Emma. Thank you for sharing your story.
I just started EMDR therapy today after a birth that was very similar to yours - early waters break, pitocin… except mine ended with an assisted delivery rather than c-section. I then haemorrhaged badly and spent a week in hospital being gaslit by doctors. But the common thread was my resistance to what was coming - I didn’t want it…
I’m so grateful to read the story of someone who is a few years ahead of me in terms of the recovery and healing process. It shows me that there is hope!
Oh, and I also have a firecracker toddler - and I wonder what he was trying to tell me as he emerged into the world after a 7 hour labour (first time, start to finish!!)…!!
Holly, I am certain these words came flowing out of me because of a powerful EMDR session I did around my son’s birth a few months ago. I hope your therapy serves you in whatever way you need, EMDR was immensely powerful for me and it was huge piece of me returning to myself.
I am sorry your birth experience was horrible. I was resistance too and it definitely showed up in my birthing experience. I am curious what he was trying to tell you, is he fast paced? My labor was 36 hours start to finish which is very indicative of my son, he does this how and when he wants too.
EMDR really helped me heal from my birth trauma too, very powerful therapy. 🙏🏻
Thanks for sharing Emma. I’ve heard from so many people how powerful EMDR has been for them, so I’m hopeful 🙏
Ahh, my son *does not stop*. Like ever. He’s always on the go! Perhaps he just started as he meant to go on with his birth 😂 I’ve never thought about it like that…!
You are so welcome.
Maybe! I think it is a fun way to think about it, I find it to be true for my kiddo!
What a powerful piece. I hate how it’s the standard to stoke doubt and fear in pregnant people who are in THE MOST vulnerable state. My first OB undermined my decisions right to the end and added so much unnecessary stress. I’m sorry you felt unseen during your birth. The fact that you emerged from the experience with the resolve to listen to your body above all else is proof of your resilience. Your son chose his mom wisely!
Thank you, you are so kind. It is a terrible standard and I hate that it is true. I am sorry that was your experience, it does add so much unnecessary stress.
Oh Emma what a beautiful and tender piece, thank you for sharing your birth story. I find a lot of healing within hearing other’s birthing journeys. The lack of trust played a huge part in my births, more so in the first in many ways than my second, even though my second was further away than what I wanted in so many ways. I’ve had a half written draft of Vesper’s story there for ages but reading your words has inspired me to finish it.
I also think that it’s no coincidence that you are feeling able to write this two years on, with matrescence taking around/at least two years to move through.
These little beings certainly do give us the lessons we need rather than the lessons we want.
Honouring you and Robbie for two years. Lots of love. Xx
Yes, the give us the lesson we need rather than what we want. I love that this inspired you, I would be honored to read your birth story, I find it so inspiring and healing to read other people’s birth stories. Thank you for seeing me and honoring us.
So touching. Thank you for sharing your story. I wish women were taught how to trust themselves, encouraged to trust themselves in labor. I just recently wrote in my journal about how my biggest fear was not knowing what was going to happen in labor. In hindsight I realize this isn’t something to fear, it’s a call to embrace the unknown and give space to possibility. Like you say above, having your son opened the door to healing. Your note to your son at the end is so powerful!
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I agree it isn’t something to fear but it is down right terrifying if we have no experience embracing the unknown. I am also excited if I choose to have another because I feel I could navigate the unknown with a lot more ease!
Hi Emma, thank you very much for sharing this powerful piece. I'm so glad to hear that you had the opportunity to tell your story and find healing in therapy.
Birth trauma is at the heart of my work as a perinatal CBT clinician, and I believe first-time mums are especially vulnerable to being convinced to do things (like just "popping" to the hospital), as they're often unaware of how maternity systems can operate.
It's incredibly brave of you to share your story here, Emma. Wishing you all the best on your healing journey!
Thank you so much!
Yeah, first time moms are definitely more vulnerable to being convinced to do things they may not want because it is all knew. I thought I was well prepared with information and all the decisions I would face, but knowing is not the same as being able to set boundaries and honor oneself.
Oh Emma. Hugs.
Thank you!
How you're treated by the people around you makes so much difference. My first birth, on the face of it, could have been really stressful - my daughter was 2 weeks late, my waters partially broke but labour didn't start so I had to be induced, then she got stuck on my pelvic bone, she did everything she could to resist coming out, her heart rate was dropping and I had to be taken to theatre for them to use forceps to finally bring her into the world. But because everyone, from the midwives to the doctors to the anesthesiologist to the orderlies, was so flipping LOVELY and calm and supportive, it all felt really positive and magical. The second time, the birth was much more straightforward and should have been less problematic, but because most of the staff I dealt with were cold and unpleasant, and because I and my son didn't get the care we needed, it was actually deeply traumatic. It sounds like you had similar unfeeling care, and I'm so sorry. You deserved better. Please don't feel like you failed, though. There's so much pressure right now on women to deliver "naturally" and to feel like they've somehow let down or even damaged their children if they have interventions. Before these interventions existed, so many women and children died during birth. We're so lucky to have access to them, making use of them is absolutely the right thing to do for our children when they need them. You're a hero for bringing your son into the world and for giving him the love he needs as he grows, and that's it. Every mother deserves kindness, compassion and warmth whatever her birth journey, and if they get that then every type of birth can be beautiful. It's when we don't get that that it causes us suffering.
Gosh, this is such an important piece of it...I definitely didn't get warm and loving care and it can make such a different. There is so much pressure to birth naturally and I really put that on myself, I don't think I feel like I failed, but I do wish I could have felt more like an active participant in all of it instead of everything just seeming to happen the way it did.
I think just feeling like we're centred in the decisions really matters. With my first, the midwife kept talking to me about what they were planning, she included me in the decision, she respected my input. The second time they talked down to me and just told me what was happening. Even little things like, the first time they called me Allegra, like I was a person in my own right, but the second time they kept calling me "mum" until I started to wonder if they'd forgotten my name!
How interesting, it all makes me think about how much more I am prepared to do it another time around. It is so sad when people talk to someone in a way that is dehumanizes, especially in such a vulnerable and important situation.
What a story. Hugs. What’s the drink/oil for? We don’t have that here in the UK. Once your waters break, gush or trickle, you go in straight away because of fear of cord prolapse.
The intention was for it to start labor since, my water broke and contractions did not start!
I don’t have anything to add other than I see you and your processing of all this is so special and a way you’re showing up for yourself. 💕
Thank you <3
It was so powerful (and heart-wrenching) to listen to you read your story. As a first-time pregnant mom, can I ask what drink you were forced to drink?
I believe it was castor oil, I am not sure what else was in the drink, but it was the castor oil that incited all the sickness.
Emma, this story hit me in many ways. I’m finding it difficult to articulate the how and the what. Perhaps because I haven’t yet seen the bigger picture of my own birth story (I have two, now. But I almost died after the second and there was just so much trauma surrounding the occasion.) I’m so glad you made something of what you did not want. Gives me hope I may be able to do the same.
It takes time and I definitely took a lot of processing it through, sitting with it, crying, etc. I am glad it hit you, I am sure that is helping something shift.
Wow! Emma, this is absolutely beautiful ❤️
Thank you!
I was on the verge of tears reading this and lost it by the end when you included the note to your son. Thank you for sharing this story — I hope releasing this out into the world has helped you feel even more healing and catharsis 🩷