Walking in and out of the underworld

Volume 3 of Unspoken Words: Lauren Barber

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held here at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

If you want to share you own words, click here to fill out the form.

If you want to read more from Being in Motherhood, I share about mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

I am excited to introduce

Lauren Barber

, you can connect with Lauren here through her Substack. Lauren was my first friend and connection I made on Substack (the platform I use for these newsletters if you are reading this in your email). I adore her and she moves my heart each time I read her words, I trust you will get a glimpse of that too.

About Lauren

I am a Mother of two daughters, a Writer, Sacred Space Holder, Creative and multi-passionate human being. Everything I bring to the world is based on tender truths, soul expression and giving gentle and loving encouragement to others as they live out their heart work.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I think the hardest thing to admit - and feels edgy to write it here but I know that is the point - is that I find more excitement and fulfillment when I am immersed in my creative work than I do when I am with my children. And what makes this so hard is that currently 80% of my time is spent in the daily acts of Mothering - which means I spend more of my life feeling dissatisfied, frustrated and a little bit empty than I spend NOT feeling those things. I know it is a season - but the void between now and 'when' is deep and dark at times.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I find myself often totally overruled by my inner victim and martyr - even though I am aware of it and don't want to operate from that place. I find uraveling from that a challenge and I know that when I come from that place I am not being true to my heart - and yet I can't quite shake it off. I don't take the space I need to be my best self and then resentment festers away and there is a part of me that believes this is what it means to be a 'good mother' - to sacrifice all of myself for my children. It causes me to make decisions based on guilt and fear rather than truth and love.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

Some days - when I am picking up food from the floor for the three hundredth time, wiping bums, wrestling coats and boots on to small bodies - I have thought to myself... 'I expected more for myself than this...' and despite the heart bursting love in my heart I have for these beings, and despite ALSO knowing that this work is so important - in the moment I feel so much sadness for the dreams, visions and expectations that feel so very far away.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

That we can co-exist with multiple emotions all in one breath. That love and grief dance together so very closely. That working on nervous system support is hands down the most important thing we can do for ourselves and our children. That things can change in a split second. That repairing connection is vital. That kindness and compassion towards ourselves is paramount. That we aren't as alone as we might think we are.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

Griity. Deep. Gnarly. Hopeful. Like walking along a path that dips in and out of the underworld. Expansive. Uncomfortable. Suffocating. Liberating. Creative. Frustrating. As I said... a true cocktail of it all.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

You are not broken even when you feel like it. You are allowed to feel grief and gratitude - and any other feeling you might be experiencing. Find at least one person you can tell ANYTHING too without judgement. If you can only focus on one single element of your own wellbeing - make it nervous system support.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about motherhood?

Understanding Matrescence - the process of becoming a Mother (like adolescence) - was a hugely empowering piece of the puzzle for me. Use this link to watch a helpful video about it.

The rite of passage is not honoured - for the most part in the Western world anyway - and I believe that is a huge part of the problem. There is no 'going back'... we are forever changed, forever re-arranged - and it takes time to get to know the new versions of ourselves - while we are also getting to know a little being too. Give yourself grace and go at your own pace.

Thank you Lauren for sharing your words with us.

I often find myself unsure of what to say after I read your words. Partly because my heart is cracked open and partly because I am not sure I could offer anything substantial in response. Your honesty and rawness speaks for itself. I know I found truth in my body with each piece of hard truth you named.

Lauren, thank you for sharing with us!

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Lauren sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders. And I also invite you to share the google form with any mothers you know who may be interested in telling their stories.