You're doing everything right

Volume 19 of Unspoken Words: Allegra Chapman

Welcome to the Unspoken Words series, held at Being in Motherhood. This series focuses on giving mothers space to share their unspoken words about motherhood; the things that are hard, taboo, scary to admit, etc., I ask mothers to share with me and I share them with you.

I have decided to hold this series in the Spring and Fall seasons, so I am publishing these last few posts and taking a break from collecting responses in the Summer.

If you are looking for more of the Unspoken Words series, you can find other pieces here.

I am excited to introduce

Allegra Chapman

, you can connect with her at the Gathering.

About Allegra

I'm a writer, entrepreneur and a home-educating mother to a five-year-old daughter and three-year-old son. My mission in life is to disrupt the status quo and encourage people to question the system we find ourselves within. As the Co-Creator of inclusion consultancy Watch This Sp_ce, I ask businesses to rethink the way they work to enable everyone to live fuller, more empowered lives. As a columnist, author, and writer of The Gathering on Substack, I share my journey into self-employment, home education and a way of life more in tune with nature, as well as championing the stories of people who have forged their own paths in the world, in the hopes of inspiring and supporting others to following the calling of their own hearts.

What is one thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I'm angry a lot of the time. And frustrated. I hate myself when I lose it and shout at my children, but I feel the rage rising up inside me until it overflows. Except I've come to realise that it's not really them that I'm angry with - it's myself. And life in general.

I'm angry with myself for failing to live up to my impossible expectations of perfection, for not being fun and full of energy all the time, for not keeping the house spotlessly tidy, for not feeling on top of work and home education and life admin and all of it at the same time. I'm angry with the society that sets up these ridiculous ideals of perfection, that gives us neither help nor respect, and that forces us to parent in increasing isolation when that's both unhealthy and impossible.

But I feel so powerless to combat any of that, so my anger flies out at my children (and my husband) instead. Although it would take the edge off if they would put their f***ing shoes on after one of the first five times I ask.

What is another thing that is hard for you to admit about motherhood?

I don't like playing with my children. I find playing with toys mind-numbingly boring. I like doing arts and crafts with them, I like playing family board games, I like going for walks on the beach or in the woods, I like taking them out places, and I can get on board with playing ball games outdoors.

But when they say, "will you play with me?", my heart sinks a little bit. I hate to say no to those little faces when they're asking their mummy to play with them, and I do try, but I find myself making excuses of things I have to do instead, or have to go and do after we've been playing for five or ten minutes, so I can get out of it. It makes me feel terrible, but I just find it so hard to sit their and move figures or dinosaurs around the floor.

Share any other thoughts that are hard for you to admit about motherhood.

Sometimes I imagine what life would be like if I hadn't had children. I think about having a lie-in at the weekends, of sitting down with a good book and a cup of tea that's still hot, of going for walks alone on the beach in the mornings, of having uninterrupted hours to write, of spending quality time with my husband.

There's so much I miss, and that I feel I'm missing out on. But I also know that, if I hadn't had them, I would spend just as much time imagining what life would be like *with* children. And I would romanticise that life just as much as I romanticise and idealise the version without children. I desperately wanted to be a mother, and for a while, due to some hormone issues, I thought I wouldn't be able to - that was so painful. I would watch women with babies or small children and my heart would ache. So I know I would yearn for this life if I didn't have it. Yet that doesn't stop the reality of this life from being really hard, and doesn't stop me from wishing I could have just a little time off occasionally.

What truth(s) has motherhood taught you?

Motherhood changes you. I was so sure that it wouldn't change me - I really believed that I could have a baby and continue my life as it was, just with a little person in tow. Maybe I was ridiculously naive, but society does set up these expectations that women can, and should, carry on the same life they had before once they become mothers. That they shouldn't let it change them.

Motherhood changed everything for me. I had to leave my career, and I became self-employed. I didn't want the party lifestyle I'd had before - I wanted to be home with my children instead of out with friends. I had to give up drinking because alcohol suddenly didn't agree with me. My body was transformed. Everything about my life was different. But, more than that, who I was as a person changed.

I felt I was failing to live up to the ideal of a modern career woman who could have a child and carry on as before without flinching. Friends kept telling me that I needed to "get back to normal". But I realised that I didn't want to.

It was a struggle, for the first few years, trying to balance the different sides of myself. Once it became apparent that school wasn't going to suit us as a family, and I began home educating my daughter, any pretense at balance imploded. I have had to radically rethink the way that I've been structuring my life, and accept that things are completely different to how they were before. It's pushed me to question so much about the way we structure our lives and the boxes that we're expected to fit ourselves into. It's forced me to expand my view of life in general and make space for change and evolution.

Motherhood *should* change us. We've created life, we've brought a new being into the world, we've changed the fabric of the universe itself. That should change us. It should change the way we live. We shouldn't be expected to fit ourselves into the system, we should be given space to expand into our new lives.

What does it feel like to be in motherhood in this season?

There are days when I feel like I'm drowning. Trying to figure out this new way of being, with mothering and home educating and working and supporting wider family members, it all feels overwhelming. It's also terrifying to step outside of the walls that society has put up around us and suddenly see the vastness of the world around us - it makes me dizzy. But, at the same time, it feels like a time of growth and transformation. I am learning so much about myself, my children, what I want out of life and what truly matters to me. I feel like I'm in the cocoon, dissolving into a disgusting mess, ready to turn into a butterfly. It's hard, it's painful, but it's also exciting.

What advice, words up support, or encouragement would you give to other mothers out there?

My biggest piece of motherhood advice is, don't listen to any motherhood advice! There's such an industry now of people making a living by telling women how to mother, and preying on their insecurities by telling them their child will be deeply emotionally damaged if they don't pay to learn their methodology. You're not going to damage your children. They're going to face struggles and ups and downs, and they will have their own internal demons the same as we all do, and there's nothing you can do to prevent that. But maybe there shouldn't be - our job isn't to shield our children from life; what a dull existence we would be giving them if we prevented them from experiencing life in its fullest, with all the beauty and pain and intensity that goes with that. All we can do is give them love, and be here by their sides as they find their way onto their own path in life. It feels so powerless - we desperately want to believe we have more control, because we so desperately want to make our children happy. But that's not our role. We are powerless, we're meant to be. We're not meant to control them or their lives. We're just meant to give them love. As long as they are loved, they have everything they need. The rest is theirs.

If you love your children, then you're a good mother. And you do love your children - I know that, because you're worrying that you're not a good enough mother. And only mothers who love their children would care enough to worry about that. So you love your children. Which means you're doing everything right.

Is there anything else you feel called to share about your experience of motherhood?

It isn't meant to be like this. We were never meant to mother in such isolation, without a village, with so little support and respect. If it feels impossible right now, that's because it is. We are doing the hardest job in the world in the most artificial and impossible circumstances. Of course it feels too much. But you're doing it anyway - you're showing up every day and giving all your love to these children. You're a mother******* superhero!

Thank you Allegra for sharing your words with us.

Your words of encouragement touched my heart, because it is easy to get swept away in feeling like I am failing my son or messing him up in some way. All I can do is keep loving him, and worrying about loving him enough, and the rest is his. I loved what you wrote about how we are meant to be powerless, it is frustratingly true. Thank you for sharing your words with us.

Love,

Emma

Please share in the comments or reply to this email your own reflections and/or support of Allegra sharing her words.

This is a space where we can say the hard things about motherhood and life, while lifting each other up in love and support. I have found this community of mothers to be extremely compassionate and welcoming.

I invite you to share this post with a mother who may needs these reminders.