I agree, motherhood is not enough for me, and we need to stop putting that expectation on ourselves and others. We are such multifaceted beings and the way our individualistic cultures are organized means we have so much less of 'the village' than we used to, which leaves less freedom and possibility and space for the business of figuring out who we are aside of our children, being the woman first and mother second (even though of course motherhood informs every decision we make in life especially when our babies are young.) Sending you love and saying it's ok to yearn for more, and I understand that sometimes the only way to claw out of an extremely slow, boring or difficult moment is to reach for the phone. You're doing great mama!
It’s like I’m reading my own words! Thanks for sharing your experiences. So glad we have Substack and this community to explore and find support for our other passions beyond motherhood.
Gosh I can really resonate with a lot of this @charlottemg! My son is also very independent and not a cuddler, even as a baby. He had awful reflux and detested any pressure on his tummy (the sling was out!!), so I wonder if that had an impact. Even so, I remember asking the nursery nurse that visited me from the perinatal mental health team what I was doing wrong. She reassured me that every child is different, just as we are as adults, and that it's a misconception that every baby is super snuggly. He became a little more tactile with age but is far too busy with life to waste too long in my arms, haha! He prefers just resting his hand on my arm or leg, kisses and words of affection. I'm certain you're doing a wonderful job!
couldn't agree more with the truth motherhood has taught you. I very much feel as though I was fed that line as an excuse, not a truth. I crave a heartfelt apology and some self-recognition for the mistakes made, but know I will never get them. The immense pressure to break the generational trauma cycle is real, and hope I can go someway to achieving it for my beautiful son!
Hi Charlotte! My first (of two) is extremely independent also. She and I don’t connect well all the time, unlike her brother and me. I also struggled with breastfeeding her, so I feel like that bond isn’t quite there/as strong as it could be. Maybe, though, it’s a firstborn thing? I don’t know.
Yes! I worry all the time that the 'failure' to breastfeed is why he's not as obsessed with me as the others (for want of a better way of putting it, haha). I spoke to a therapist about it though and she said something that I remind myself of often - "you're assuming you made him the way he is, what if he's the way he is because that's just who he is?"
I breastfed my first and he's also more independent/less clingy than my second. (About to have my third so we'll see how that goes!) I try to frame it that he had my undivided attention for a couple of years and therefore feels more secure in his attachment but there are definitely times where I feel like I'm failing/have failed him. Especially that first year after adding a sibling, lots of guilt there!
I agree, motherhood is not enough for me, and we need to stop putting that expectation on ourselves and others. We are such multifaceted beings and the way our individualistic cultures are organized means we have so much less of 'the village' than we used to, which leaves less freedom and possibility and space for the business of figuring out who we are aside of our children, being the woman first and mother second (even though of course motherhood informs every decision we make in life especially when our babies are young.) Sending you love and saying it's ok to yearn for more, and I understand that sometimes the only way to claw out of an extremely slow, boring or difficult moment is to reach for the phone. You're doing great mama!
Thank you!!
It’s like I’m reading my own words! Thanks for sharing your experiences. So glad we have Substack and this community to explore and find support for our other passions beyond motherhood.
Thanks Ashley, three cheers for Substack!
Thanks for sharing, grateful for both of your work!
You’re welcome, thank you for being here!
Thank you, Julie
Thank you so much for featuring me, Emma, it's an honour to be included in such a relatable and needed series <3
You are so welcome, it is an honor to have you!
Gosh I can really resonate with a lot of this @charlottemg! My son is also very independent and not a cuddler, even as a baby. He had awful reflux and detested any pressure on his tummy (the sling was out!!), so I wonder if that had an impact. Even so, I remember asking the nursery nurse that visited me from the perinatal mental health team what I was doing wrong. She reassured me that every child is different, just as we are as adults, and that it's a misconception that every baby is super snuggly. He became a little more tactile with age but is far too busy with life to waste too long in my arms, haha! He prefers just resting his hand on my arm or leg, kisses and words of affection. I'm certain you're doing a wonderful job!
couldn't agree more with the truth motherhood has taught you. I very much feel as though I was fed that line as an excuse, not a truth. I crave a heartfelt apology and some self-recognition for the mistakes made, but know I will never get them. The immense pressure to break the generational trauma cycle is real, and hope I can go someway to achieving it for my beautiful son!
"Do your pelvic floor exercises." couldn't agree more! Great share, thank you.
Hi Charlotte! My first (of two) is extremely independent also. She and I don’t connect well all the time, unlike her brother and me. I also struggled with breastfeeding her, so I feel like that bond isn’t quite there/as strong as it could be. Maybe, though, it’s a firstborn thing? I don’t know.
Yes! I worry all the time that the 'failure' to breastfeed is why he's not as obsessed with me as the others (for want of a better way of putting it, haha). I spoke to a therapist about it though and she said something that I remind myself of often - "you're assuming you made him the way he is, what if he's the way he is because that's just who he is?"
I breastfed my first and he's also more independent/less clingy than my second. (About to have my third so we'll see how that goes!) I try to frame it that he had my undivided attention for a couple of years and therefore feels more secure in his attachment but there are definitely times where I feel like I'm failing/have failed him. Especially that first year after adding a sibling, lots of guilt there!
Oh for sure, the sibling guilt can be unreal! It's all in our heads though, they know how loved they are
Oh I still need the reminder to do my pelvic floor exercises! At a gym class the other day we were meant to skip and I definitely peed a little!
Love these reflections