Trying not to start a fire

How I am longing for community and figuring out how to create it right where I am.

Hello sweet mother, community member;

How are you? How is your heart? How is your body? How is your soul?

Feel into your answers and give yourself the gift of your presence as you read…

(I love that

Lauren Barber

starts each post greeting her readers into her space. I am trying to find my own way to do that, bear with me as I do. I am noticing my tendency to dive into things, I am being more mindful of inviting you to wade into the deep with me).

Now to the fire…

I sat down this morning to write October’s guided journey on nourishment, and I couldn’t do it. I feel fraudulent in addressing an important topic when I feel a deep sense of being under-nourished in my system.

We are still a week out from the fall equinox, but my body is telling me I am in the season. Problems are everywhere in sight and I am struggling to contain myself from burning the house down.

My mentor who I studied cycled awareness with would say during this season (fall, enchantress, pre-menstrual), you will want to burn the house down, you will see the problems everywhere, you will see what needs changing, and you will want to take care of it right now. But you do not act, not yet.

I am not pre-menstrual in this moment, but my connection and sensitivity to the seasons changing is delivering me this discomfort ahead of schedule. This tends to be how it works for me. The weeks leading up to a new season, I get messages, insights, and a peak into what is to come…if I am willing to listen.

My insides are on fire, I feel dry, I feel under-nourished, I feel disconnected, I feel lonely. The loneliness is so pervasive, I feel it in my throat, and each time I talk I worry I am going to cry out in desperation instead of words.

I need people, I need connection, I need to be held in community.

I am tired of trying to carry it all alone. I am tired of relying on my online connections to sustain me because it is not enough.

I have tended to do things alone most of my life. I tended to be surrounded by people and still felt lonely. I have never been good at needing people, because it felt too needy.

My need for connection has felt great, immense, never-ending. In my youth, I carried a great need, to be loved, for a mother’s love…this was a lot to ask from other kids. It was a lot to ask from partners when I started dating. I often felt I was at a deficit, I did not feel secure in my relationships, I was terrified of abandonment.

As I near 30, it is starting to feel utterly ridiculous how alone I am. I have spent 30 years on this planet and I have few long-lasting connections to show for it. As I have grown, I have healed, I know I cannot find my mother’s love in other people. I know I need my own love and attention the most.

I have seen how building my own family has brought up healing of the past and it has also fulfilled some longing in my heart, but not all of it. Sometimes, I feel guilty my partner and my son do not fill me up enough. Sometimes, I tell myself I need to be grateful for what I have and I need to stop wanting more.

I am grateful for what I have and I want more.

I have spent the past two years deep in a cocoon. I became a mother, I struggled with my mental health, I have explored my healing. Now, I feel ready to emerge into the world. I have nourished myself from the inside, and I need nourishment from the outside.

This is why I feel uncomfortable writing about nourishment in this moment. I refuse to write about it in a way that says…taking care of and being in a relationship with ourselves is all we need. Loving, listening, attuning to ourselves is fundamental, it is necessary, it is life giving.

What do we do once we cultivate all that life force? What do we do when our cups are filled? What do we do when we feel grounded enough inside of ourselves to look outside again?

I wrote last week about motherhood not being a problem to be solved, I wrote about how culture has us believing if we do one more thing, we will feel better. And with all the toxic messaging shared by capitalism, I am noticing it has made me afraid to connect with people.

I am noticing sometimes it feels safer for me to go inside, tend to myself, than try and engage with the outside world. I desperately seek connection and I am terrified of getting caught in connections that do not nourish me.

I want a community who understands my soul, who respects my slower pace of life, who show up for me and my family. I want people who love us. I want what people may find in their extended families. I want acceptance. I want people who want connection, who want to be involved in each other’s life, who offer support willingly.

How do I find these people?

I am leaving out the complications of connection…I am terribly shy, I don’t know how to do small talk, and I tend to be uncomfortable in social situations. I tend to be uncomfortable in public settings even if I am not socializing because of the overwhelming amount of stimulation.

For so long, I thought people were not for me. I thought I could live without connections, and I have. But I do not want to anymore. I am not sure I can overcome my shyness, or learn to do small talk, or be comfortable around people. I am willing to try exactly as I am.

One of my favorite bands, The Menzingers, have a line in a song that goes…“How do I steer my early thirties, before I shipwreck, before I’m forty.” They also have another line in another song that asks…“Where are we gonna go now that our twenties are over?”

As I am sitting with turning 30 soon, connection and community seem to be of the utmost importance in my life. The things I will regret not having if I do not start to seek them out for myself.

I need connection, I need community.

My birthday is still 6 weeks away and I rarely know what my next year intentions will be so far in advance, but this year, I know. It is to find and create community. It is to put myself out there. It is be relentless in finding the type of connection I am searching for.

All hope is not lost, I have plans and intentions. My son and I start a nature-based activity program this week. Each Tuesday, we will join other kids and their parents to go on a nature adventure in the woods.

Early next month, I go through training to become a mom mentor. I will be volunteering with an organization who connects new moms who are struggling postpartum with mothers who have navigated their own postpartum struggles and are on the other side of them. I will get to connect with other mothers in my community.

I am with great anticipation waiting to hear back from a Zen meditation group who gathers each Sunday. As much as I love doing things with my son, I need to make connections in my own space from my own interests as well.

Out of sheer desire, I am infusing more aspects of community into Being in Motherhood, I started a thread for everyone to introduce themselves. I will be doing a thread monthly for us to connect.

I do not see online connection as a replacement for in person community, I see it as a supplement. My intention with this space is to help you feel nourished and fill your cup, so you can go out into your life and find more ease, presence, and connection with those around you.

This is a place for you to pause, rest, be held before you head back into your daily life with its demands and its gifts.

I am curious to hear from you…

Are you craving deeper connections?

How do you create community where you live?

How do you meet people?

If you are shy, how do you start conversations with people?

If you have been where I am, how did you create change for yourself?

Please, share in the comments (or reply to this email).

Love, Emma

Welcome, I’m Emma, this is Being in Motherhood. I am a mother, writer, artist, and space holder. I am a lover of slow living, deeply connecting to the earth, and allowing space to feel what’s present. I explore being in relationship with ourselves as we navigate motherhood through a trauma-informed and mindfulness lens. If this writing resonated in your body, please subscribe and join this journey.

Community Submissions open next Wednesday, September 25th. I invite you to come share you experiences and stories of motherhood.