Our experiences of sensitivity in motherhood

A conversation between two mothers...

Ellie and I connected over our mutual experiences of sensitivity, loss, and motherhood. We share our lived experiences of sensitivity here. This post is set up in an interview style, I hope you enjoy it.

Has your sensitivity changed since becoming a mother?

Ellie: My sensitivity has hugely ramped up since becoming a mother. For the first two years of my son’s life we lived in London. I found myself becoming so stressed when pushing the buggy down the high street, next to roaring traffic and through crowds of people. I felt overwhelmed and unsafe in a much greater way than I ever did before.

I also felt hugely vulnerable in the first year or so of motherhood, with high levels of self-judgement and self-criticism. And as the years have gone on, and River has gotten older, I still find so much truth in that expression that having a child is like having your heart outside of your chest. I feel love and concern for him all at once with sometimes excruciating intensity, especially when making decisions about him being cared for by other people.

Emma: Becoming a mother allowed me to embrace my sensitivity. I could no longer hide how sensitive I was to sound. I could no longer ignore my need for rest, quiet time, and time by myself. I could no longer bury my feelings, I was forced to feel them and embrace what was in front of me.

My son helped me open my eyes to my sensitivity because he carries his own. He has helped me accept no one is normal, at least not in this house. I stopped striving to be seen in a certain way and I let myself be seen as I am. So, it is possible motherhood deepened my sensitivity, but it is more likely it made it harder to ignore and it had to become part of the conversation in my daily life.

How does your sensitivity impact the way you show up in motherhood?

Ellie: My sensitivity has hugely influenced how I have chosen to mother. My approach could be called attachment, gentle or respectful parenting, and was very baby-led at the beginning. I did lots of research into these approaches but truthfully, my reasons for mothering in this way has mostly been down to a deep felt-sense within me. For example, I have never been able to leave River to cry at night, even when sleep deprivation was driving me to the brink of what I could endure. His cries triggered in me such a painful wound of abandonment that I just couldn’t bear it. It was less suffering for me to be sleep deprived than it was for me to leave him alone to cry.

I aim to be respectful and understand my son’s feelings and needs. I try to validate them and hold them with him, rather than dismissing his feelings or punishing him for his behaviour. This again comes from an old wound for me. I didn’t feel held in my feelings as a child. I don’t want River to go down the same path I did and seek out harmful, addictive substances and behaviours. I want him to feel safe with his feelings and to know that he is loved no matter how he is expressing them.

To be clear: I do this very imperfectly! Another side to my sensitivity means that my nervous system becomes dysregulated quite easily, especially when River is very angry or being very strong minded. And so this means that I can get stressed and angry quickly and respond to him in ways I regret once I’ve been able to calm down. However I try to remember that rupture and repair is a normal part of any relationship, and the key is to apologise and reconnect as often as possible after I’ve got angry at him. This is brand new stuff for me to learn that I have no blueprint for, so of course I don’t get it right every time.

Emma: I overthink things. I feel every change so deeply, I wonder if I am making the wrong choice anytime I try something new. I have learned in motherhood how to trust myself more but sometimes I doubt myself, sometimes I worry I feel too much, think too much, care too much. Sometimes I worry my big feelings are getting in the way of my son having his own big feelings.

And at the same time, I think it makes me a grounded, loving, caring mother. I think my sensitivity helps me presence myself in motherhood in a way I am not sure I would be able to without it. Sure, I would love my son no matter what, but my sensitivity helps me to connect deeper with him and perceive his experience in a richer way.

Sometimes because I overthink and worry about how he may be feeling, I tend to project my own sensitivity onto him at times. I project how my sensitivity was never understood and therefore, I worry he has a sensitivity like me and I am not understanding it fully. There is some truth in this, he is wired uniquely but it is different sensitivity than I notice in myself. I worry about how I word things because how I am communicated with impacts me deeply, however my son does not seem very impacted by the words I choose.

Have you learned to care for yourself differently as a sensitive being since becoming a mother?

Ellie: In many ways it’s harder because I have so much less time. My journey to sobriety meant learning to accept my feelings and respond to my emotional pain in a loving way. Back then, I was able to give myself so much time each day to take care of myself. I had a 30-minute gentle morning routine, I did yoga three times a week, I journaled, meditated, went for walks alone in the woods, did yoga nidras, sound baths… And then of course I suddenly couldn’t do many of these things, or if I could, it was in tiny slots of time when I’d often get interrupted because the baby was crying and wanted to feed.

Now that River is 4 and I have childcare, I have much more time to take care of myself and I’m hugely grateful for that. It’s only now that I am starting to prioritise movement and exercise again. I’ve started going for cold water swims. I also do lots of practices supported by others including Focusing sessions and women’s circles. I spend as much time in nature as I can, though there I often find myself in conflict with my need to rest and walk slowly in nature, and the call to be productive and get things done.

Emma: For years, my sensitivity was something I ignored and I suffered because I did. Before becoming a mother, I did not know how to honor my body and my needs. I have learned to slow down and listen to my body when it speaks. Now, I can notice what types of environments are overstimulating and make wiser choices about where I spend my time.

And since I cannot avoid all places with noise, I have learned how to take care of myself in overwhelming places, with deep breaths and ear plugs. I have learned to not tune out my sensitivity, but to include it and welcome it into the conversation of my life. I listen when I need to rest, I ask for quiet (or go find quiet) when I need a break, I let myself embrace my softness and my sensitivity instead of always trying to power through.

Sometimes I still power through and ignore my body. Sometimes I still keep going even though I feel overstimulated. I noticed when I get really overwhelmed, the old habit of pushing on takes over and I keep going until I am completely depleted. It has taken a lot of trying to slow down and notice the signs as they pop up. And it has a lot to do with feeling worthy of rest and my own loving attention, this seems to be where the learning is for me at the moment.

I miss the days where even though I never would have called myself sensitive, I had the space to take care of myself in the way my body was craving. I spent long mornings in the quiet, I spent a lot of time alone, I rested a lot, I did not take any more on my plate than I could handle. Right before I became pregnant with my son, I started to feel like I understood myself and how to live in a way that cared for my body and my nervous system. Pregnancy, birth, and motherhood shook up all the things I was ignoring.

Thank you for reading.

You can connect with Ellie over on her Substack - A Little Fantastic.

And if you are new to my space - I’m Emma, a mother, writer, and artist. Through my writing, I explore nurturing a relationship with myself and the present moment as I navigate motherhood.

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