Have the strength to look

What I wish someone would have said to me before I became a mother.

I sat with a friend the other day who is expecting her first child. I was beyond excited for this lunch. We had not seen each other in almost two years as she had been traveling the world. She recently moved back once she found out she was pregnant.

A familiar feeling rose in me as I started to think about lunch. I was bringing her all my pregnancy books, I planned to let her ask me all her questions, I wanted to tell her exactly what to expect and prepare for. I wanted to be of the utmost service to this expecting mother.

At lunch, we caught up, we did talk about my birth experience but we spent most of the time talking about how excited she was. I did not have it in my heart to burst her bubble because I remembered this ugly truth about motherhood.

It is a journey we have to walk alone.

Each time I find someone in my circle is pregnant, my excitement rises, I hope to support their initiation into motherhood better than I was supported. I hope to warn them of the struggles and assure them I will be there for them.

I am not sure if this is as selfless as it sounds. Early motherhood was lonely. I was in the process of disconnecting from my family of origin, my partner and I did not have any support raising our son, I had no friends locally. I want to ensure, in whatever ways I can, that others do not have this experience.

But, I cannot do that. There is this bubble around us when we are pregnant. I saw it around my friend who was glowing and excited. This is something she was not sure she wanted but once she had decided, she bloomed into excitement and she is willing walking into motherhood with her head held high.

I do not want to take that away from her and I cannot. I remember being pregnant and when mothers would tell me their realities, it was like I was insulated. I believed them when they said it was hard, I knew what their struggles were, but I was still walking around unsure of what it felt like.

Motherhood is an initiation.

Motherhood is walk into the underworld.

Motherhood is confronting.

I birthed the most precious thing in the world to me and it seemed no one else cared, besides my husband. I had friends who were excited but immersed in their own lives. My husband’s family was indifferent. My family was excited but overbearing and controlling. I received some support from a far but I walked into the underworld unarmed and alone.

My mother struggled greatly with postpartum mental health (and just general mental health), I know my chances because of her experiences and my own with mental health struggles could increase my chances of struggling postpartum. But knowledge alone cannot prepare you.

I am not sure one can prepared, I could not have. I did not think about myself or my well-being. I thought about what my son would need, how we would sleep and feed, etc. I was an after thought.

Motherhood sunk me deeper into a wound of serving everyone before myself…except that is how motherhood is supposed to be. My son was supposed to take all of me and I was willing to give it to him. His presence quickly illuminated all the other areas I was putting myself second in order to try and keep myself safe.

My son also illuminated my need of control, safety, and how terrified I was of living and loving freely. He helped me open my heart but not before I walked into a deep dark night of the soul. He changed me by coming into my life. He ask a lot of me and I did everything I could to show up for him.

I am not sure motherhood initiates anyone in the same way. My experiences in early motherhood highlighted how much I was suffering. But it may not be the same for someone else. I am not sure there is anything I can say or do that will prepare someone for this experience. But here is what I wish I told my friend…

Motherhood is an excavator. It points out to us exactly where we are hurting and how we need to face ourselves.

If we listen, we transform. If we do not, we suffer greatly.

That is one thing that is guaranteed of motherhood, it will ask you to face yourself. Over and over again. And if you can do this, you will change. If you can face yourself, you will become yourself, fully.

That is the only thing I can tell any mother in preparation - expect to face yourself. This will look different from my experience, from other mothers, from your own mother’s.

What motherhood illuminates in you is yours to find.

You can not try and figure it out beforehand, you can only hold this awareness close to your heart. And when the moments start to arise, because they will, you have to trust yourself to turn towards what arises.

So often we make the mistake of turning away from feeling something in us, whether it be rage, anger, shame, we find a way to excuse it. Oh, I was tired. Oh, I was hungry. Oh, I apologized for it.

But, there is something there. There is something deeper.

When you feel anger, and you know in your bones you are tapping into the well of your father’s disappointments. When you feel rage and you know you are touching upon your mother’s grief. Or maybe you do not know and you are being asked to find these truths.

Whatever you feel when you touch these places, you must look deeper. This is what you owe your child, the willingness to turn in. Maybe even more importantly, this is what you owe yourself, the willingness to listen and adjust.

If you do this, you will become yourself.

If you do this, you will transform.

If you do this, you will become the mother your child needs.

If you do this, you will become the mother or father you never had for yourself.

If you do this, you will break generational patterns.

If you do this, everything will change.

When you meet the moments of confusion or rage or grief or frustration with curiosity, it softens. When you feel what is present and you allow it to move through you, you soften. When you look at the scary places inside yourself, you heal.

Maybe this sounds unattainable. Or woo-woo. But, I am not sure it is anything more than being with ourselves. I am not sure it is much more than not running away from what is inside of us and whatever our child is here to awaken.

It is not easy. It is easier to turn away. But heart’s break when that happens. Little girls lose their fathers and get burned my their mothers.

If I can offer you anything as you journey into motherhood, it is to turn towards.

Turn towards all of it…the crying, the fear, the pain, the hurt, the love, the rage, the joy, the excitement.

All of it is yours and all of it is needed to become - yourself, your baby’s mother, and the parent(s) you never had.

Thank you for reading and if you are new, welcome! I invite you to read this to learn more about this space and how to contribute. Here, we explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

A reminder…the Motherhood Musings form is open until March 19th! In this series, I am collecting mother’s words about their expectations of motherhood compared to their reality of motherhood. You can share your words here.

Recent writings you might have missed…

• Reclaiming my feminine essence - International Women's Day - Daisy Chain Flower Crown.

• Unspoken Words: Volume 8 & Volume 9 - sharing mothers experiences of what is hard for them in this season of motherhood.

• The season of the mother - my process of surrendering resistance to land where where I am.