The season of the mother
My process of surrendering resistance to land where where I am.
Before you dive into this read, I would love if you could answer this poll about a new series where I share our words together around a topic of motherhood.
Through this menstrual cycle, I have been dancing with wanting this to be my season of life while knowing it is not, it is the season of the mother. This time is my son’s and I am trying to surrender my resistance. Here is my process.
Maiden
Back in the old days…before my son, I used to rise every morning at the unbelievable hour of 5:30 AM. I would meditate, move my body, then I would go outside and journal, drink cacao and dream.
Sometimes I would write poems, sometimes I would dream ideas for the business I had at the time, sometimes I would journal. I would be in my own space, in my own peace for hours. I would start each day surrounded by my own energy, feeling grounded and alive.
Now, I wake up when my son does. I step outside now to get sunlight on my eyes after I wake. I still make a drink, usually chocolate milk, to share with my son. Then I go move and mediate, I try my best to not let the energy of another day rush me through my practice. I finish my practice and I start my day as mom.
I start thinking about breakfast, going on a walk, if I will write today, how I can help my son move my body, will he nap, will I get to work while he sleeps, or will I have to find some way to entertain him so I can check work before playing with him…
Gone are the hours of time to be.
Gone are the easeful mornings of soaking in the sunlight and being in my own energy.
I miss my mornings to my self. Even on the weekends where my husband graciously takes our son and dog to the park, it is not the same. It will never be the same again.
I struggled with these feelings of grief immensely in the months following my son’s birth. I wanted to go back, I missed myself, I did not know who I was anymore and I was drowning.
Now, almost two years in, I find these feelings rise up sometimes. I miss the space I had before my son. I miss the endless time for myself. I miss the lack of responsibility.
Sometimes, my husband and I would ask each other, what did we do before our son? We had all this time and space, what did we do with it? I assume we did whatever we wanted, when we wanted. I cannot be sure that was ever true because it feels far away.
My friend shared this sentiment with me recently…it is not my time. She reminds herself of this during a season where she is raising two kids under two. It is not her time, it is theirs. Her time will come back around. I find this comforting and it also makes me angry at how hard it can be to pour your energy into another person.
Someone said my name the other day and I genuinely thought, who are they talking to. I am not Emma, I am momma. And somedays, momma feels like all I am.
Being momma is not all of me. I am more than my son’s mother. I am a human, I have dreams, I have desires, I have needs, I have wants.
I know this is his time but it also my time. Yes, this time is short and it is so excruciatingly long. I arrange my life so this is my son’s time and he gets the best of me (and his dad). We both work from home, we meet try out best his needs, we pour into his cup.
AND I am afraid to put myself on the back-burner. I know each day will be wildly different. I know I will make myself tired and uncomfortable to give him the best of all things. I know sometimes I will come last.
AND I need me too. I need to write. I have things I want to share and say. I need to rest. I need space to myself. I need to move my dreams along no matter how slowly that may be.
I am certain this will be the dance forever…
Even when he is bigger,
Even when it is my time,
Even when he is in his own home.
I am sure it will be a dance. I am sure I will miss the old days then too, I will miss right now. I will miss all of it.
Mother
I do not want to reach the days where my son has grown and I miss these days because I did not embrace them fully. I spend most days longing to either get my work done or write. I do not want to continue this way.
While my passions are important, I am tired of denying my desire to mother. I am tired of denying my desire to surrender fully to this season. I am not going to disappear or fade away, I will not let that happen. But I am going to align with what I know is true, my son and motherhood is my top priority.
I did
’s gorgeous yoga nidra and I saw my dream day. It was my life right now. This body, this house, this routine my family is in. I am living the life I desire. I saw writing fit into the spaces of my life naturally instead of my rearranging my life to make it work.I saw writing as something I did not strive so endlessly to do, it happened effortlessly in the pauses of my day. I am longing for this to exist in my reality.
I trust in the process. I trust in what is moving through me. I trust in myself.
I do not want regrets. I want to enjoy being here. I want more slow mornings and walks in the woods, like I had with my son today. Today felt different because I was not rushing to be somewhere else.
What if this moment is enough?
What if this season is enough?
What if all that I have is all that I need?
This is the season of the mother. This is the season my son. This is the season of love.
Enchantress
I find myself comparing…why does every other mother seem to have it all together? They seem to be surrendering into motherhood, what is wrong with me that I cannot?
I know exactly WHY I will not surrender into motherhood. It has everything to do with my mother. Even though I am well past the point of thinking I could ever be anything like her, I am not past the point of fearing betraying her by doing it all differently.
I have allowed myself to do things differently enough, but there is a deeper layer of surrender into motherhood I know I am destine to explore. But a part of me is scared to go too far beyond where my people have gone.
The women who have came before me have mothered in a different way. It is one thing for me to make some changes, it is another thing to blow their systems and ways of being out of the water.
Maybe it is isn’t as terrifying as it feels.
Maybe it is exactly what I am meant to do.
Maybe I was always meant to burn the whole thing to the ground and build my own way of being. Not only to mother in efforts to be nothing like those who came before me. But to mother like me, as myself, as the mother I am longing to be, who ever she is in her entirety.
That is the next step in the path. That is the next layer to explore. I long to stop asking who am I to do this and start knowing I am the one to do this.
I am here to defy the normal way of doing things.
I am not here to do things like the mothers who walked before me in my line. I am here to do things differently. I am here to burn the old ways to the ground and build a new. I can start by redefining motherhood and what it means to me.
I have another writing brewing about what redefining motherhood and surrendering fully would feel like. Coming soon.
What are your feelings and thoughts around being in the season of the mother?
I would love for you to share in the comments.
Love,
Emma
Thank you for reading and if you are new here, welcome! I invite you to read this to learn more about this space and if you want to learn more about me, read this. Here, I explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.
If you know someone who is on the journey of motherhood and healing, share this with them. It means everything to me when you share my work with someone you love.
Recent writings you might have missed…
The beauty of cycle awareness - how listening to my body brings wisdom.
A note of love, gratitude and vision - the beginning of what is to come for this space.
Unspoken Words: Volume 5 & Volume 6 - sharing mothers experiences of what is hard for them in this season of motherhood.
For my fellow writers & mothers - a short reflection on how it may be okay to do one more thing before your write.
This is such a beautiful share, thank you so much. I remember that times so well when my children were small of trying to savour and enjoy every last second but also worrying about a loss of self and what that means for me, which prevents you from leaning into the experience of motherhood. After many battles and judgements, both internal and external I gave up work to be a stay at home mum but it never sat completely comfortably. Your thoughts about doing it your own way and taking your own path also resonate with me as eventually I chose to home educate my two, now ages 13 and 11. I can say the guilt of needing and wanting time to yourself never goes away. On the odd occasions I do take myself away, I instantly miss them and feel like I have rejected them and wish my time away until I am back with them. I constantly see things that I know they would love and wish they were there with me.
Your writing also spoke to me as I am just beginning to rebuild me in a new season of motherhood now my children are older in the hope of helping, as you are, to deal in the realities of motherhood. As a former midwife I am setting up Serenity Mums to offer pregnancy preparation classes that go further than just the mechanics and seeing labour and birth as the end. I want to really talk with women about the realities of not just birth but motherhood. I also want to hold pregnant/new mum and new parent circles so I can hold space for mother's (and sometimes fathers) to express all the feelings we feel so alone and guilty for having. So thank you again for your writing as it has helped to show me I am on the right path here, that these discussions and opportunities are needed and given me confidence as I go back out into the world as a new version of myself that has been changed by motherhood and the path it has put me on. Thank you x
Thank you for saying “I was angry” in a post about motherhood. I don’t know if I’ve ever read work putting both together. So often, we aren’t allowed to be angry, as mothers, and I wonder why. I’ve struggled a lot with anger in my PTSD. I didn’t realize how much I have been trying to stifle it, because I am a mother, until reading this. Knowing I’m not alone is—liberating. Thank you. Something for me to mull over...
Also, I infrequently have moments, too, where I realize: this is my life and I love it. Would not have it any other way. Something to hold onto, in the mundane, for sure.