This is such a beautiful share, thank you so much. I remember that times so well when my children were small of trying to savour and enjoy every last second but also worrying about a loss of self and what that means for me, which prevents you from leaning into the experience of motherhood. After many battles and judgements, both internal and external I gave up work to be a stay at home mum but it never sat completely comfortably. Your thoughts about doing it your own way and taking your own path also resonate with me as eventually I chose to home educate my two, now ages 13 and 11. I can say the guilt of needing and wanting time to yourself never goes away. On the odd occasions I do take myself away, I instantly miss them and feel like I have rejected them and wish my time away until I am back with them. I constantly see things that I know they would love and wish they were there with me.
Your writing also spoke to me as I am just beginning to rebuild me in a new season of motherhood now my children are older in the hope of helping, as you are, to deal in the realities of motherhood. As a former midwife I am setting up Serenity Mums to offer pregnancy preparation classes that go further than just the mechanics and seeing labour and birth as the end. I want to really talk with women about the realities of not just birth but motherhood. I also want to hold pregnant/new mum and new parent circles so I can hold space for mother's (and sometimes fathers) to express all the feelings we feel so alone and guilty for having. So thank you again for your writing as it has helped to show me I am on the right path here, that these discussions and opportunities are needed and given me confidence as I go back out into the world as a new version of myself that has been changed by motherhood and the path it has put me on. Thank you x
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I love hearing from moms with older kids because it helps me feel reassured in everything I am feeling and navigating now. I love you intentions of classes for new moms going beyond birth preparations. It is so important and so needed! I am grateful you are here!
Thank you for saying “I was angry” in a post about motherhood. I don’t know if I’ve ever read work putting both together. So often, we aren’t allowed to be angry, as mothers, and I wonder why. I’ve struggled a lot with anger in my PTSD. I didn’t realize how much I have been trying to stifle it, because I am a mother, until reading this. Knowing I’m not alone is—liberating. Thank you. Something for me to mull over...
Also, I infrequently have moments, too, where I realize: this is my life and I love it. Would not have it any other way. Something to hold onto, in the mundane, for sure.
I relate to so much of this Emma, such a great post ❤️. The bits about your dream day and not being here to mother the same way as your family are so powerful. My kids are 9, 6 and 1 and I definitely had to learn along the way that being 100% in the season of mothering did not work for me. I need that creative stimulation, or the stimulation of learning something new, or working on something I love, alongside motherhood. X
Yes to needing the creative stimulation and also it being a process of accepting that. I think were sold a lie that motherhood should be enough to fulfill all of us, but we are so multi-faceted I am not sure it is possible.
Absolutely, being told that we should feel fulfilled solely by motherhood and feeling like there's something wrong with us if we don't feel this way. When that's just not true. Like you say, it's a process of accepting that we need more, because that lie of motherhood being enough to fulfil us runs deep in our society.
I think this is so important and rarely voiced! That sometimes we have to be willing to say, this isn’t working for me and I need to make time for myself, whatever that may look like and however it manifests. It’s not about wanting or having it all but understanding who we are and what we need and allowing our lives to be messy in the name of honoring our needs. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
Totally agree Ashley! Going against the grain and tuning into our own needs isn't easy, but when you can do it, even in tiny steps, it makes such a difference. It's so powerful to model this to our kids too I feel.
I don’t think I’ve read a piece of writing that more accurately describes the exact stage of life I’m at, at the exact time. For me, the realisation that this isn’t my season came shortly after my second son was born (I have 2 boys 3.5 and 8 months.) Throughout the earliest years with my first I was so taken aback by how all-consuming it was, in hindsight I think there was even some denial at play. I truly believe there was an element of me that thought ... soon enough, it’ll go back to how it was. Of course, I know now it never will.
The idea we can “have it all” as mothers serves to leave us feeling that we’re obviously doing something wrong if we don’t. I also think it’s important, for our children mostly but us to, that we come to a place of graceful surrender so that they feel important and loved; whilst also forging out moments to explore our own personal desires. I have felt so deeply conflicted, foolish and naive to think I am permitted to flourish too as an individual outside of the home. I carve out a couple of hours writing and I feel all sorts of aliveness as a consequence and then when I re-enter the realm of mother, doing the dirty work like changing nappies and witnessing tantrums, I feel an internal shrinking happen: I feel unimportant. I had no idea it would be like this and sometimes I feel selfish or self-indulgent to want things for me too. Maybe that’s my conscience at play ... reminding me I am already doing the most important job. Anyway, thanks for your words — I’m in this season with you 💕
All of what you shared, yes. The internal shrinking when we go back from our time, I feel that so much. And this morning I had one of those moments of peace where I knew in my bones this is the most important thing I will ever do. The more I journey with all of these feelings, the more I realize it is about what I didn’t have in childhood that is making me feel wildly uncomfortable now.
Ahhhh yes… the dance of wanting to be both in it and out of this season… and ok with it all… gosh yes I feel it and I also am making peace with the fact that I will undoubtedly have pangs of ‘I should have’ in regard to this season when I reflect in years to come. It’s such a paradox. I’m so loving what came through for you after the nidra… what magic. Xxxx
Thank you for sharing this Emma - I connect with everything you’re saying. I too have been on a journey into surrendering into this season. I share it with friends all the time - the notion I find reassuring - that this time of raising a young child/children will likely be the time in our lives when we have the least money, the least time and will probably be the most intense season of mothering. It won’t last forever. We have so much time ahead of us to work, to earn money, and that time will come.
And it’s ok that we dance between feeling so grateful for this time - when our kids are so adorable and discovering the world and love us so much and want to be with us ALL the time - and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and longing for a break.
I think the most comforting thing is to know we’re not alone in it. I feel like I was sold a lie about motherhood and have been grieving what I thought it would be, and what it is, and how I find that pretty much every mother I talk to feels the same as me to different degrees. Thank goodness our generation is being so honest about it all.
I am so glad our generation is being honest about it, because we aren’t alone. Yes to everything you shared, and sometimes I find it so hard to be reassured and usually it means I need to cry and let go of some of the grief to make space for the love of this season.
Yes—you are not alone, we are not alone. I have a very difficult time realizing this will not be all of my life. Sometimes I get glimmers but not often. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your process. I have been ruminating on the word mother and how I define it and what it means. I’ve got it jotted down in my notebook to add to my long list of prompts to write about too. I’m reading Women Who Run with the Wolves right now and you might find that interesting if you haven’t read it already 🙂
I found when I gave into the season of mothering young ones, everything got easier. I definitely missed my solitary mornings (and still do) and time to chase my creative pursuits, but I had a little secret. I had this vision of me, in my one day greenhouse drinking tea in the early morning and writing in my notebook. I have carried this with me when times have gotten tough, knowing one day that time will come back. Knowing I have time and don’t have to do everything right now has also really helped. But also, there are days and weeks when you are just so exhausted and nothing helps!
Oh I have a similar vision and it helps me so much! Thank you for sharing that, I am working to surrender. I find it’s more reminding myself on a daily basis to let go and be with!
This is such a beautiful share, thank you so much. I remember that times so well when my children were small of trying to savour and enjoy every last second but also worrying about a loss of self and what that means for me, which prevents you from leaning into the experience of motherhood. After many battles and judgements, both internal and external I gave up work to be a stay at home mum but it never sat completely comfortably. Your thoughts about doing it your own way and taking your own path also resonate with me as eventually I chose to home educate my two, now ages 13 and 11. I can say the guilt of needing and wanting time to yourself never goes away. On the odd occasions I do take myself away, I instantly miss them and feel like I have rejected them and wish my time away until I am back with them. I constantly see things that I know they would love and wish they were there with me.
Your writing also spoke to me as I am just beginning to rebuild me in a new season of motherhood now my children are older in the hope of helping, as you are, to deal in the realities of motherhood. As a former midwife I am setting up Serenity Mums to offer pregnancy preparation classes that go further than just the mechanics and seeing labour and birth as the end. I want to really talk with women about the realities of not just birth but motherhood. I also want to hold pregnant/new mum and new parent circles so I can hold space for mother's (and sometimes fathers) to express all the feelings we feel so alone and guilty for having. So thank you again for your writing as it has helped to show me I am on the right path here, that these discussions and opportunities are needed and given me confidence as I go back out into the world as a new version of myself that has been changed by motherhood and the path it has put me on. Thank you x
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I love hearing from moms with older kids because it helps me feel reassured in everything I am feeling and navigating now. I love you intentions of classes for new moms going beyond birth preparations. It is so important and so needed! I am grateful you are here!
Thank you for saying “I was angry” in a post about motherhood. I don’t know if I’ve ever read work putting both together. So often, we aren’t allowed to be angry, as mothers, and I wonder why. I’ve struggled a lot with anger in my PTSD. I didn’t realize how much I have been trying to stifle it, because I am a mother, until reading this. Knowing I’m not alone is—liberating. Thank you. Something for me to mull over...
Also, I infrequently have moments, too, where I realize: this is my life and I love it. Would not have it any other way. Something to hold onto, in the mundane, for sure.
You are so welcome and you are not alone. I also have PTSD and I find it to intensify my anger around most things.
I relate to so much of this Emma, such a great post ❤️. The bits about your dream day and not being here to mother the same way as your family are so powerful. My kids are 9, 6 and 1 and I definitely had to learn along the way that being 100% in the season of mothering did not work for me. I need that creative stimulation, or the stimulation of learning something new, or working on something I love, alongside motherhood. X
Yes to needing the creative stimulation and also it being a process of accepting that. I think were sold a lie that motherhood should be enough to fulfill all of us, but we are so multi-faceted I am not sure it is possible.
Absolutely, being told that we should feel fulfilled solely by motherhood and feeling like there's something wrong with us if we don't feel this way. When that's just not true. Like you say, it's a process of accepting that we need more, because that lie of motherhood being enough to fulfil us runs deep in our society.
I think this is so important and rarely voiced! That sometimes we have to be willing to say, this isn’t working for me and I need to make time for myself, whatever that may look like and however it manifests. It’s not about wanting or having it all but understanding who we are and what we need and allowing our lives to be messy in the name of honoring our needs. Thank you for sharing this perspective.
Yes! Allowing things to be messy in the process of us honoring our needs and even figuring out what we need.
it's always messy 😂
Totally agree Ashley! Going against the grain and tuning into our own needs isn't easy, but when you can do it, even in tiny steps, it makes such a difference. It's so powerful to model this to our kids too I feel.
I don’t think I’ve read a piece of writing that more accurately describes the exact stage of life I’m at, at the exact time. For me, the realisation that this isn’t my season came shortly after my second son was born (I have 2 boys 3.5 and 8 months.) Throughout the earliest years with my first I was so taken aback by how all-consuming it was, in hindsight I think there was even some denial at play. I truly believe there was an element of me that thought ... soon enough, it’ll go back to how it was. Of course, I know now it never will.
The idea we can “have it all” as mothers serves to leave us feeling that we’re obviously doing something wrong if we don’t. I also think it’s important, for our children mostly but us to, that we come to a place of graceful surrender so that they feel important and loved; whilst also forging out moments to explore our own personal desires. I have felt so deeply conflicted, foolish and naive to think I am permitted to flourish too as an individual outside of the home. I carve out a couple of hours writing and I feel all sorts of aliveness as a consequence and then when I re-enter the realm of mother, doing the dirty work like changing nappies and witnessing tantrums, I feel an internal shrinking happen: I feel unimportant. I had no idea it would be like this and sometimes I feel selfish or self-indulgent to want things for me too. Maybe that’s my conscience at play ... reminding me I am already doing the most important job. Anyway, thanks for your words — I’m in this season with you 💕
All of what you shared, yes. The internal shrinking when we go back from our time, I feel that so much. And this morning I had one of those moments of peace where I knew in my bones this is the most important thing I will ever do. The more I journey with all of these feelings, the more I realize it is about what I didn’t have in childhood that is making me feel wildly uncomfortable now.
Ahhhh yes… the dance of wanting to be both in it and out of this season… and ok with it all… gosh yes I feel it and I also am making peace with the fact that I will undoubtedly have pangs of ‘I should have’ in regard to this season when I reflect in years to come. It’s such a paradox. I’m so loving what came through for you after the nidra… what magic. Xxxx
Thank you for sharing the nidra! Yes, there is no way to not have regrets and it is so hard to surrender into it at times for me!
Thank you for sharing this Emma - I connect with everything you’re saying. I too have been on a journey into surrendering into this season. I share it with friends all the time - the notion I find reassuring - that this time of raising a young child/children will likely be the time in our lives when we have the least money, the least time and will probably be the most intense season of mothering. It won’t last forever. We have so much time ahead of us to work, to earn money, and that time will come.
And it’s ok that we dance between feeling so grateful for this time - when our kids are so adorable and discovering the world and love us so much and want to be with us ALL the time - and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and longing for a break.
I think the most comforting thing is to know we’re not alone in it. I feel like I was sold a lie about motherhood and have been grieving what I thought it would be, and what it is, and how I find that pretty much every mother I talk to feels the same as me to different degrees. Thank goodness our generation is being so honest about it all.
I’m grateful for your voice ❤️
I am so glad our generation is being honest about it, because we aren’t alone. Yes to everything you shared, and sometimes I find it so hard to be reassured and usually it means I need to cry and let go of some of the grief to make space for the love of this season.
Yes—you are not alone, we are not alone. I have a very difficult time realizing this will not be all of my life. Sometimes I get glimmers but not often. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your process. I have been ruminating on the word mother and how I define it and what it means. I’ve got it jotted down in my notebook to add to my long list of prompts to write about too. I’m reading Women Who Run with the Wolves right now and you might find that interesting if you haven’t read it already 🙂
I’ve read it twice and I have been feeling the need to pick it up again! Thank you for saying that, taking it as a sign to do it.
I found when I gave into the season of mothering young ones, everything got easier. I definitely missed my solitary mornings (and still do) and time to chase my creative pursuits, but I had a little secret. I had this vision of me, in my one day greenhouse drinking tea in the early morning and writing in my notebook. I have carried this with me when times have gotten tough, knowing one day that time will come back. Knowing I have time and don’t have to do everything right now has also really helped. But also, there are days and weeks when you are just so exhausted and nothing helps!
Oh I have a similar vision and it helps me so much! Thank you for sharing that, I am working to surrender. I find it’s more reminding myself on a daily basis to let go and be with!