I think many women have been sold the dream of having it all - being able to juggle children, career & passions. When we put our energy into one of them, we feel like we are neglecting the others, I think its just in our bones. For me I have found comfort in accepting I am not superwoman - I cant do it all, all the time. I try & keep work outside of parenting hours (school/evenings) - I cant always. I try & be flexiable with clients, but I have limitations. I try & show my children that having passions & a good work ethic is important but ensuring they know that they always come first. Its a juggle for sure. You are not alone! Its so refreshing to be able to talk about it openly & normalise this feeling amongst women. Thank you!
You are so welcome! I appreciate you naming you aren't superwoman, I am not either and I do not try and be. It helps to remember that, I try to keep everything in its own time frame, but it doesn't always work so smoothly. I do my best to show my son he comes first, and it is all a juggle.
I so relate to this. And I hate it when people laughingly dismiss it as ‘mum guilt’ when you’re right - it is shame, and it’s shame we’re taught to feel.
I relate to this SO HARD (to the point I have a draft in my substack about the societal worthlessness of being a mother pursuing a creative path, but don’t have your courage!). Every single word landed on my heart, like ‘yes! That! Gosh it’s not just me!’ And also ‘why is it this way, why is there so much shame and grief. No matter what. Always…’
It’s so exhausting and also the thoughts of women who came before, so much inherited rage and grief too, and the feeling that we have so much more freedom and privilege now and SHOULD try, (we should try right?). To have both. To have motherhood and ‘ourselves’? Collapsed and self-abandoned mothers can’t be good ones? Oof. No answers. Just thank you. Thank you so much xx
This warms my heart so much, I write mostly for my own healing and self exploration but reading comments like yours remind me there is something bigger to this because this a universal feeling for most mothers. I would love to read your own take on this when you are ready!
We described it all so accurately. I do think there’s another layer to this shame. Part is patriarchy as you stated and part is capitalist-driven perfectionism. There is always “more” we could do, whether to be a “good mother” or a “successful woman.” You could prepare more sensory boxes, find more play dates, read more books, make more homemade food. I feel like this relates to the feelings that my creative work should be “more” or should look a certain way (ie. like a profitable side hustle). Our culture doesn’t know what enough is. Sometimes there’s no need to go beyond what is necessary, no need for extra kid activities or fun trips. Need to keep doing more when it is already enough.
Yes! This is definitely a layer too. I really try to rein that in with myself and with my son. I try to find limits on things and not keep up with the idea and need for an endless amount of more!
This is also something I really feel. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve had to struggle through in my life. I want to have it all but it’s so so hard to do it all well. Thanks for sharing!
I understand how you feel. With e, to a vicious cycle of wanting to be enough, striving to be good enough and being the best of what I can possibly be for the children.
Thank you for being here and sharing your experience. I find, for me, it is more often than not fear and shame, I try to root into what I am doing right. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t!
I think many women have been sold the dream of having it all - being able to juggle children, career & passions. When we put our energy into one of them, we feel like we are neglecting the others, I think its just in our bones. For me I have found comfort in accepting I am not superwoman - I cant do it all, all the time. I try & keep work outside of parenting hours (school/evenings) - I cant always. I try & be flexiable with clients, but I have limitations. I try & show my children that having passions & a good work ethic is important but ensuring they know that they always come first. Its a juggle for sure. You are not alone! Its so refreshing to be able to talk about it openly & normalise this feeling amongst women. Thank you!
You are so welcome! I appreciate you naming you aren't superwoman, I am not either and I do not try and be. It helps to remember that, I try to keep everything in its own time frame, but it doesn't always work so smoothly. I do my best to show my son he comes first, and it is all a juggle.
I so relate to this. And I hate it when people laughingly dismiss it as ‘mum guilt’ when you’re right - it is shame, and it’s shame we’re taught to feel.
I agree! I also find guilt to be more easy to shift out of, this is pervasive and consuming...and that’s two qualities of shame.
I relate to this SO HARD (to the point I have a draft in my substack about the societal worthlessness of being a mother pursuing a creative path, but don’t have your courage!). Every single word landed on my heart, like ‘yes! That! Gosh it’s not just me!’ And also ‘why is it this way, why is there so much shame and grief. No matter what. Always…’
It’s so exhausting and also the thoughts of women who came before, so much inherited rage and grief too, and the feeling that we have so much more freedom and privilege now and SHOULD try, (we should try right?). To have both. To have motherhood and ‘ourselves’? Collapsed and self-abandoned mothers can’t be good ones? Oof. No answers. Just thank you. Thank you so much xx
This warms my heart so much, I write mostly for my own healing and self exploration but reading comments like yours remind me there is something bigger to this because this a universal feeling for most mothers. I would love to read your own take on this when you are ready!
We described it all so accurately. I do think there’s another layer to this shame. Part is patriarchy as you stated and part is capitalist-driven perfectionism. There is always “more” we could do, whether to be a “good mother” or a “successful woman.” You could prepare more sensory boxes, find more play dates, read more books, make more homemade food. I feel like this relates to the feelings that my creative work should be “more” or should look a certain way (ie. like a profitable side hustle). Our culture doesn’t know what enough is. Sometimes there’s no need to go beyond what is necessary, no need for extra kid activities or fun trips. Need to keep doing more when it is already enough.
Yes! This is definitely a layer too. I really try to rein that in with myself and with my son. I try to find limits on things and not keep up with the idea and need for an endless amount of more!
This is also something I really feel. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve had to struggle through in my life. I want to have it all but it’s so so hard to do it all well. Thanks for sharing!
It is so hard to do it all. I hear you.
I understand how you feel. With e, to a vicious cycle of wanting to be enough, striving to be good enough and being the best of what I can possibly be for the children.
It can be such a vicious cycle!
Thank you for being here and sharing your experience. I find, for me, it is more often than not fear and shame, I try to root into what I am doing right. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t!