The endless grief of motherhood

Exploring grief, shame, and being pulled apart by desires.

Welcome to Being in Motherhood. I hope this writing finds you when you need it. Thank you for being here. If you are new here, I invite you to read this first and if you want to learn more about me, Emma, read this. Here, I explore mothering, healing, breaking cycles, and learning what it means to be ourselves in motherhood.

I sat down this morning to write and I feel stuck, because there is something on my heart I have been sitting with.

It is grief.

When we talk honestly about motherhood, I am relieved. I am relieved to hear others words and wisdom, but it also reminds me of how everything is changing and nothing feels good enough.

I feel pulled to write and when I am writing, I am thinking about my son. When I am with my son, I am thinking about writing. When I am working during his nap, I am wondering if I am making the right choices for all of us?

And the more honest reflections I read about motherhood, the more I feel this is not going to change. This pull is not going to shift, I do everything I can think of to be present AND I have a lot I want to do.

There are words alive in me I want to share and I also want to be the best mother to my son. I want to be with him. AND I am starting to wonder about how other mothers feel about this push-pull of being with and being away.

I know it is good for my son to know and see I have a life outside of him. I have desires, dreams, and passions I am working with. He is young, but I know this is and will continue to influence the way he works with his own creativity.

I find myself feeling I wish I could give more of myself to him. More presence, more energy, more activities. I find myself often unsatisfied with how much I am offering him. I could give him more but I do not want to lose myself in the process.

During my meditation last night, I heard my soul whisper I need to let this guilt go. I am a loving, present and kind mother. I am something I never had and I am giving my son a beautiful life.

But, I am not sure it is guilt, I think its shame. I loved the distinction Brené Brown makes between shame and guilt. Shame is I am bad, I am stupid, etc., the embodiment of a quality. Guilt is I did something bad. There is separation and acknowledgement that one made a choice outside their values and they can choose differently next time.

Based on those descriptions…I feel shame.

I tell myself I am bad mother because I am not with my son enough. I tell myself I should be with him more, I should want to be with him more. I should choose myself less. And because I do not want to lose myself in this journey of motherhood, I am bad. I am failing. I am terrible.

Parts of me know this is not true, but others parts of me struggle with these thoughts. I know it is noise in my head, I know I am a mother doing everything in my capacity to mother well.

I am not living outside my values, I would not make different choices. I value and need time alone. I value and need time to write, my husband even said he notices a difference in me when I make space for writing. I want to choose these things.

I do not want to sit here in tears as I fill my own cup up. I do not want to feel this shame. I do not want to feel like I am not enough. Because I know, deep down, I am.

I also think this is bigger than me, in probably more ways than I realize. I think mothers, for generations, have been brainwashed to believe they are not enough. It seems the second we tried to work outside the home, or want more for our lives beyond the day to day of domestic work, we have been shamed.

We have been shamed for wanting more. We have been told this should be enough. We have been judged, criticized, and told over and over again this will go too fast, don’t miss a moment, you’ll miss these days.

When you become a mom, you become a mom. People stop seeing you as human. People assume you should be fulfilled and you should stop wanting more. You should stop wanting things for yourself because you have someone else to care for now.

Those desires to create don’t just magically go away. They stay inside you and the pull you apart if you try to pretend they do not exist. I love my son, I love to write, and I need to work to help us financially. What in that equation adds up to me being a bad mother?

I am human being and it is fucking hard to carry this shame. It is hard to feel worthless inside when I choose myself.

I am done feeling bad about feeling these feelings. I am sure they will come and go a million more times through this journey. I am sure this is not my last dance with shame.

I am done assuming I should feel differently when this is what I feel. I am done making these feelings mean something about me, especially as a mother. These ancient, patriarchal feelings of shame because I choose more than motherhood, they did not start with me.

I am not a bad mother, I am allowed to take up space in my life. I know I am better for it, I know my son is better for it, I know my collective family unit is better for it. So here, I write.

Love,

Emma

Thank you for reading!

Share with me in the comments or reply to this email what moved through you as you read this…what is your experience with grief? what is your experience with shame? do you feel pulled in many different directions in motherhood?

If you know someone who is on the journey of motherhood and healing, please share this with them. It means everything to me when you share my work with someone you love and who could benefit from reading it.

Recent writings you might have missed…

• A call to action for all mothers - an invitation to stop justifying our love for our child(ren) after we tell the truth about motherhood.

• Unspoken Words: Volume 1 & Volume 2 - sharing mothers experiences of what is hard for them in this season.

• Where are all the wise women? - exploring the loss of maternal love while I mother my son and myself.